The Strange Door
by Eoin Maloney
Summary: Finn and Jake happen upon a door standing in a meadow. Wacky hijinx ensue. T for mild language, some suggestive themes and dialog, violence.
1. The Strange Door

_[While not technically necessary, I would like if more people gave reviews. It'd help me be a better writer, and I like to know what readers think of my work. So, please review? Kthxbai.]_

_[Also, in the event that any Tropers read this, I encourage them to write a page for this story.]_

Finn and Jake were wandering the countryside near the Candy Kingdom, searching for adventure. "Man, I'm bored," Jake said, impatiently walking up a hill, with Finn following close behind. Finn was panting, having obviously run a great distance earlier. "_Phew_. Hey, what's that?" Finn panted, pointing at what appeared to be an ornate door, with frame, sitting upright in the middle of a meadow nearby.

"I dunno. Looks like a door."

"Dude, I know _that_."

"I'm gonna put it in my room."

"Uh…Jake? That sounds like a bad-"

"Psh. Don't worry, Finn. It'll be fine." Jake chided, walking up to the door, his hand morphing into a crowbar. He attempted to pry the door out of the frame, only succeeding in falling on his elastic rear. "Whoa. That's really stuck!" Jake said, in spite of how obvious his statement was.

"Dude, did you try opening the door?" Finn said, simply turning the knob. The door opened easily, but instead of the meadow, there appeared to be a hallway, which is obviously unusual. "Whoa! There's like a whole hallway in here, man!"

The two heroes, upon seeing this strange structure, suddenly realized that they had found their adventure for the day. They entered the mysterious hall.

After in inordinately long period of walking, Finn saw a shadow dart past him. He instinctively drew his sword, forged by his adoptive father from the blood of a demon. "What's up, Finn?"

"I thought I saw something."

"Where?"

"Over there! YAAH!" Finn cried, swinging his sword in a wide arc, felling the shadow. The interesting bit, was that instead of screaming or squawking, or grunting, or whatever sound monsters make, the shadow said, "Ow." Not "Ugh!" or "Rawr!" but "Ow." The figure got up one its remaining good leg, and hobbled into the light to reveal that he was a Sign Zombie. Finn, recognizing the creature, raised his sword again. "WAIT!" The Sign shouted, bracing himself for a maiming. "Huh?" was the only response our protagonists were able to muster, as Sign Zombies rarely have the intelligence required to watch _Mind of Mencia_, let alone speak.

"Please, put that sword away! I'm not interested in becoming a paraplegic construct!"

"Dude, How are you talking?" Finn asked, sheathing his blade.

"By opening my mouth. Now, follow me." The Sign retorted.

"Uuhhhh, Finn? I don't trust this guy. I mean, what if this is some sort of trap, where he takes us to his buddies, and then they kill us,_ carve our bones into signposts_, _**and take us on awkward dates!**_...or something?" Jake pondered aloud, shuddering at the thought.

"Don't worry man, we can handle a bunch of Sign Zombies."

"Alright, but if I end up on an awkward signpost date, I'm totally gonna haunt you." Jake said, still a little uneasy.

They followed the Sign Golem (he found the term Sign Zombie to be offensive,) down the hall, up several staircases, along a myriad of other halls, and just when they thought this was just some stupid wild goose chase, the Sign Golem (Whose name was Duck Xing, if you're curious,) came to a stop, and started chanting in Gaelic, "_Oscail an doras an máistir folaigh!_" At that moment, a glowing door appeared in the side of the cold stone door. "My master wishes to see you."

They entered the door with obligatory apprehension, only to see what appeared to a young (humanoid) man, in his late teens to early twenties, singing the Electric Light Orchestra's hit, _Strange Magic_ to himself while reading a very large tome. He stopped, straightened up as if somebody had poured ice down his pants, and stood to face Finn and Jake. "Hello!" he said, very happy to see the first sentient visitors he's had in who-knows-how-long, "My name is-HURK!" Now, his name was not actually HURK, he had simply been punched in the face.

"Prepare to get hurt, dark wizard!" Finn shouted, drawing his blade, "You can't keep me captive here!"

Finn swung his sword, barely giving the stranger time to put up a protective shield, which looked rather like a glowing plane of glass. Finn swung again, leaving cracks in the panel. While Finn was preparing to swing again, the stranger took the advantage and slammed the panel into him, pushing him across the room. He shouted "_Folaigh!_" and his tome disappeared, while placing a force cage around Jake. Jake quickly squeezed between the bars, while Finn stood up and charged the man. _Hmm...Elastic dog, Violent kid with a magic sword, I guess it's time to see if that new spell I've been working on is any good..._ The mage thought to himself, as he raised his hands to trace arcane symbols into the air, while shouting, "_Geimhle Iarann!_"

The spell seemed to work, as Finn and Jake both unexpectedly faceplanted due to their arms and legs being chained to the floor by force links.

"Alright, let's start over. My name is Alan, and you two are the first sentient visitors I've had in who-knows-how-long. Now, If you would kindly stop trying to kick the royal jelly out of me, I'd be happy to release you so you two may be on your way," Alan explained, motioning to the force chains.

"Wait, so you're not gonna take us prisoner?" Jake asked, raising his eyebrow.

"Or make us go on awkward dates?" Finn added.

"Uh...no. I'm just glad to speak with somebody I didn't create. Poor Ducky here is a dysmal conversationist...Wait! The door's back! I can leave!" Alan stated quite gleefully.

"What do you mean, bro?" Finn asked, standing and rubbing his wrists.

"I've been stuck here for about a thousand years! And now I'm free! From now on, if you need me, just shout into this here mirror," Alan said, handing Finn a mirror marked "_MHUIRLINNE_." Alan then disappeared, and Finn and Jake found themselves standing in the meadow next to the ornate door, upon which there was now a note posted, which read, "_Out for adventures. Be back soon!_"


	2. The Sun Day Festival

"Wahoo!" Finn cried, as he rode a roll of streamer down from the ceiling of the Candy Palace.

"Thank you for helping me set up this party, Finn. This is going to be the best Sun Day ever!" Princess bubblegum said, her voice oozing excitement at the upcoming festivities.

"Isn't there a Sunday every week?" Jake asked, hanging paper lanterns from the high windows.

"No-no-no, it's not _Sunday_, it's _Sun Day_, with a pause in the middle. It's the day where we celebrate the return of the sun." PB corrected.

"How come I never heard of it?" Jake asked feeling confused that such a major shindig fell under his radar.

"Well," she grimly explained, "we stopped celebrating it about a century ago, after, _'The Shenanigans'_ happened; but, the candy council is pretty sure everything will be okay this time. We've gotten all the beavers away from the coal mines." Bubblegum said, returning to her cheerful self. Jake paused for a moment, looking puzzled. He opened his mouth to ask another question, as there were _so many_ forming in his mind, when they heard a loud pounding on the castle door followed with, "Hello? Is this the, err, 'Candy Kingdom'? I have some questions of a…um…historical nature!"

Finn recognized the voice at the door, "Hey, man! That's that one guy from the magic door!"

"That weirdo? I thought he was lookin' for adventure or somethin'," Jake scratched his head.

"Finn? Is that you? Open up, dude!" Alan said, still knocking.

Bubblegum looked at Finn for a moment, raising her eyebrow. Finn shrugged, and PB crossed her arms, her brow still arched. Apparently, Finn had silently convinced Princess Bubblegum that Alan was an okay dude. Finn walked to the large double doors and opened them, to see Alan standing on stilts, wearing a T-shirt which read "Spunky Grandma."

"Hey man? What's up with those stilts?" Finn asked, mindful of Alan's awkward stumbling stilts.

"I'm wearing them so-whoah-so I can reach the knocker on the dang door! It's far too-whoops!" Alan said, finally losing his tenuous balance and falling to the floor.

"Alright, can we move it along? We're very busy, you know," Princess Bubblegum said impatiently.

"Oh, uh, right! The questions! Alright, first off, Where's America gone? And as a follow-up, why is everyone all Technicolor?" Alan asked, brushing himself off.

Princess Bubblegum just stared at him. Her mouth was ajar, and she just stared at him, as if he had just puked up a live wallaby onto the floor of the Grand Hall.

"Ooh! Are you guys settin' up for a party?" Alan said, "Can I help?"

Meanwhile, while Alan was trying to figure out how to hang tinsel off the chandelier without killing himself, Finn went over to check on the still-stunned Princess Bubblegum.

"Yo, PB! Are you okay?" Finn waved his hand in front of Bubblegum's face, "Princess Bubblegum!"

"Huh, what? Oh! Yeah, I'm fine…It's just…How does he know about America?" Bubblegum wondered aloud.

"What's a 'merica'?" Finn asked, never the scholarly type.

"Shh!" PB tried to keep out of Alan's earshot, "America was a great nation which once existed before the Great Mushroom War. Legend says that the nation ended the war at the cost of their own lives."

"Soooo…Why's he looking for it?" Finn asked, while Alan, who had apparently tried to use his stilts to hang the tinsel, was dangling from the chandelier, his stilts beneath him on the floor.

"I think he might be from…_before the war!_" Princess Bubblegum whispered, while Jake rescued Alan.

"Wait, that'd mean he's, like a million years old!"

"More like a thousand, but yes. How could he have survived?" PB mused.

"Well, I _was_ stuck in an old mage's tower for the past millennium!" Alan said, mixing the punch.

"Mage's tower? I wasn't aware of any Mage's Towers on the survey…" Bubblegum said, checking a scroll that one of her clerks had brought her, "Are you sure?"

"Positive. But I don't think it actually looks like a tower anymore. Some weird mystic quantum-mechanical thingy made it look like a door, standing in a meadow," Alan replied, taking a sip of the punch, which was apparently not to his liking. "Ugh! This tastes like dog butt mixed with rotten eggs!"

"Nah, my butt isn't anywhere _near_ that gross."

"No! Don't drink that! It's _rocket fuel_, not _punch_!" PB ran off to intervene, and possibly get some syrup of Ipecac.

* * *

The Ice King sat upon his throne, the only thing preventing his posterior from slipping off of the icy chair being his robe. "It's oddly warm today, Gunter. What day is it?"

A penguin (who probably wasn't named Gunter to begin with) held up a calendar with the date circled: June 21st, the summer solstice.

"D'ohhhh...I _hate_ summer! Especially the solstice! It always makes my house all...melty!" The cold monarch whined. He stepped out onto his balcony, which probably looked pretty nice before, and pondered how he could fix his problem. "Hmm...Giant snowball? No, that'd just melt," He thought out loud, stroking his beard. "Gah! I can't think in this hot sun! I-" The Ice King came to a realization, which, as usual would turn out to be more than a little insane. "Gunter, that's it! I'll just block the sun!"

"Quack."

"What the-d'ohh, what do you know about plans, Gunter? You're just a penguin."

"Quackity-_Quack!_"

"Wait, what? Then where's Gunter? Never mind...I'm off to space! Have some gazpacho ready for me when I get home."

The Ice King disappeared in a puff of cold air.

* * *

The Festival began only 42 minutes ago, at about eleven. The party was, from a sociologist's point of view, "off da hinges", and everyone was having a good time...until the Ice King flew in. "Hello, party people!" he shouted, knocking a hole in the wall where he entered.

"You know, we have windows for a reason, Ice King," Princess Bubblegum groaned, placing her hand on her forehead.

"Woops! Didn't see those, there. Anyhoodles, I've blocked out the sun, so you guys can get back to enjoying your party," the Ice King stated, looking very proud of his unwittingly omnicidal achievement.

"No you didn't. I can see the sun right there, dude," Finn pointed up at the still steady sun.

"Huh. Wonder what happened..." IK pondered, yet again stroking his beard.

"Give it a few minutes to account for the speed-of-light delay." Alan said, right as the sky got dark.

"What the FLIP! Why would you block out the sun, man?" Jake asked, pulling himself away from "the ladies," "We need that for the Sun Day Festival!"

"The what now?" Ice King asked, immediately before Finn landed a solid right hook on his face.

"How! Many! Times! Do I! Have! To Beat! You! Up!" Finn shouted, using his fists as exclamation points.

The other mostly just watched, wondering what to do about the glaringly obvious issue of the missing sun.

"Let's throw somethin' at it!"

"Shoot it with a bow and arrow!"

"Attach balloons to a flamethrower and try to re-light it!"

"Uhm...none of those would ever work," Jake attempted to inject some reason into the conversation... "What we gotta do is go to space and find a new sun!" ...and failed hilariously.

"Well, to be honest, if the barrier has no support system and it's made of ice, it'd probably just break up from the heat of the sun."

Sure enough, after about thirty more seconds of panicky candy people, the sun came back into view...along with a city-sized hunk of ice!

"Whoah. Didn't expect that," The Ice King said, his beard still bruised from Finn's merciless pounding.

"Well, I guess that solves the sun problem..." Jake trailed off, unable to think of something witty to say.

"Don't worry. It'll melt on reentry," Princess Bubblegum explained, doing her best to put her people at ease. "_Not really,_" PB whispered to Finn and Jake.

* * *

10 hours passed in Bubblegum's Tower while Princess Bubblegum, Finn and Jake tried to formulate a plan to combat the falling chunk of of partially melted slush that would, in no less than an hour demolish the Land of Ooo. "Urgh! None of these plans will _work_! If only we had some way to deflect the ice back into the Ice Kingdom..." PB mused.

It was at that moment that Finn's brain started clicking:

_We need somebody who can deflect stuff. Now, who can do that? Ice King? No, he doesn't have force fields. There's somebody I know who can do this, but-_ It was at this moment that Finn remembered the brief fight in the Hidden Tower, when Alan placed a protective field to stop Finn's sword. _Alan! He has force fields! He can deflect the slush!_

Finn immediately spoke up, "Jake, we gotta go get Alan! I have an idea!"

"It's about time," Jake retorted, "I wasn't sure if you were thinking or letting off a toot!"

* * *

Alan was munching on a cookie when Finn and Jake walked up.

"Hey guys! Got a plan on how to-Whoa! I don't like being carried!" Alan shouted, wrapped up in Jake's arms as he was carried up to the top of Bubblegum's Tower at top speed.

"You have him? Good," PB said to Finn, while pulling up a chalkboard with complex diagrams, the central one labeled (much to Alan's chagrin) _"Alan Strapped to a Rocket"_

"We were going to use this rocket to carry a commemorative satellite into space, but I've managed to re-purpose it to carry you up high enough to redirect the slush back to the Ice Kingdom." PB explained, pointing to the diagrams.

"Wut."

"Now, in order to best deflect it, I've calculated that you'll need to position a shield at least 3 hectometers in width at an angle of decline of approximately 55 degrees"

"Wut."

"Now, the slush will be falling at over three hundred and fifty meters per second, so you'll have to put a lot of energy into this."

"Wait, you expect me to stop this?"

"Right now, You're the best we've got. Everyone has evacuated to the bunkers, but I don't know if it'll protect them. The damages could be irreparable if this isn't stopped."

"Meh. Worth a shot. Let's light this candle!"

Alan was strapped to the side of the rocket, his hands kept free to cast spells. He put on goggles and sunscreen, and nervously waited for the countdown.

Finn was given the honors, "Launch in 5!"

"4!"

Jake cut in out of impatience, "3-2-1! GO!"

"Not cool, man."

* * *

On the way up, Alan saw the full view of the Land of Ooo, as only those unlucky enough to find themselves strapped to rockets get to see. "I see why it's called 'Ooo'," Alan said. He then looked up to see the giant slushball. "Here goes everything! BHALLA DOSHÁRAITHE!" He screamed, pouring every bit of magical might he had into a great magical wall, only barely large enough to catch the slush. The wall groaned and cracked under the weight, collapsing literally nanoseconds before the last of the slush was redirected. And then the rocket ran out of fuel.

* * *

The Ice King sat in the puddle that was once his throne, sighing with regret at not only nearly killing everyone, but mostly at his melted throne. and then his house filled with slush. "_Jeez_, that's cold!" He shouted, not sure whether to feel relieved that his Kingdom had been returned to its frozen state, or annoyed that his house was just filled with slush. So, he shrugged and set to work rebuilding his furniture from the slush.

* * *

Back at the Palace, PB, Finn and Jake were watching with nervous anticipation as the rocket fell back to Earth, landing with a resounding thud. they immediately made their way to it, Finn astride Jake, and Bubblegum atop Lady Rainicorn. When they got there, all they found was the burnt-out shell of the rocket, and a pair of black sneakers (that's trainers for you Brits out there).

"Dude...I feel kinda...bad," Jake said, picking up the sneakers.

"At least...We're okay..." Princess Bubblegum trailed off.

"이 사람이 누구 였죠?" Rainicorn asked, being entirely unaware of the day's shenanigans.

A voice which was suspiciously similar to Alan's called out, "Hey, can you hand me my shoes?"

Everyone turned to see what appeared to be a rather scorched, naked Alan, with his hands over his...unmentionables. Needless to say, only someone seeing this from an external viewpoint would have expected this. Thus, all jaws were slackened.

"And can I borrow some pants?" He awkwardly finished.

Soon, Jake started chuckling, followed by Finn, PB, Lady Rainicorn, and even Alan.

And then they got Alan some pants.


	3. The Wizard's Guild

_{Author's note: It has come to my attention that some readers have learned as a result of reading my works. Shame on you.}_

* * *

Alan roamed through a cavern, looking for ancient secrets. This, in retrospect, was a terrible idea. He walked along the tunnel, quietly talking to himself, a small mage-light illuminating the way in front of him, leaving long shadows which evoked old legends of demons and spirits. This symbolism was not lost on Alan, who was all too aware of the tales surrounding this dungeon. "'_Fear the Halls of the Len'Kon, for they are the surest path to oblivion,_' they said, '_You're an idiot,_' Psh…what do _they_ know? They're just a bunch of talking pigs," He assured himself, not at all sure of his own words (Which is pretty reasonable, all things considered). He swore for a moment that he heard shuffling nearby, but when he turned, it was just a his own paranoia, scurrying through his head. His time in the tower was not good for his sanity. After walking a ways, he turned a corner into a large round room, with old tomes strewn about, and a huge, worn statue of an ancient king upon his throne. At the statue's feet was place a box, set with samll precious stones and metals. Oh, and there were two skeletons strewn around it. Alan took out his bag and filled it with books, ancient literature with arcane titles such as "_Hist- of the W,_" or "H_iker's Guide._" On a lark, he also grabbed the box, which would also turn out to be a bad idea.

* * *

Finn came out of his room, yawning and scratching his tummy. Jake stood in the kitchen, humming and cooking bacon. "Hey man, you're up. I got bacon."

"_Yawn_, cool. Pig bacon?"

"Yup."

"Cool. Any mail?"

"There was a letter addressed to you. It's on the table."

Finn walked over to the table and picked up the letter, which was written on relatively plain stationery with a green wax seal in the shaped of the letter "A." He opened the letter which read_:_

_Finn,_

_I found this cave out in the Unknown Lands, and I was looting the libraries there, and I found this jeweled box, and I took it home with me, (I'm shacking up in a broom closet in the Candy Palace, if you wondered...) and I opened the box and inside was a note and a ring and the note basically said I was invited to join a wizard's guild and I hope you forgive this monster of a run-on sentence because I'm SUPER excited because it might mean I might find out about what happened to the world and I want you and Jake to be my +2 on the guild HQ tour._

_-Alan_

After a few minutes of reading the letter aloud, taking a breath in the middle, Finn then knew what time it was. (Do I need to bother?)

* * *

Finn rode to the gate of the Candy Kingdom on Jake's back. "So what's this thing about, Finn?" Jake asked.

"Some Wizard's Guild offered Alan a seat, and he wanted us to come with."

"Oh yeah...Will there be food?"

"Ahdunno." Finn shrugged, as Alan walked up.

"Hey guys. Are we ready to go?" Alan asked, carrying a small suitcase. He was dressed in a green outfit that appeared to be a cross between a traditional Chinese silk outfit and an Edwardian suit. This was considerably more formal than the attire of his previous...fiasco. "Hey guys! I see Ducky got that letter to you! Did you pack some clothes? It's a looooooooooong trip!"

"Pack clothes?" Finn asked, "You never said anything in your letter about packing clothes..."

"Oh. Oops... Well, you seem to be wearing the same clothes anyway. Now, let's get a-walkin'!" Alan said, pointing to the west.

"How far is it?" Jake asked.

"Well, I did some checking, and it'd be about a week's walk."

"Lame. Let's fly!" Jake said, flattening his body into a large balloon, and grabbing a large box.

"Wow. That's impressive." Alan said, grabbing a torch to inflate Jake with.

* * *

_While certainly faster, our heroes still were travelling for 3 days. Alan talked the whole way._

"...So I said, 'Hey! Where's the goat!'"

_Argh! I am so sick of this!_ Finn thought. _He's been talking for THREE DAYS..._

"Aw, snap!" Jake said, obviously enjoying the story far more than Finn. "Hey! I see a tower!"

"Are you sure it's the right one? I don't want a repeat of Castle Anthrax..."

"Dude, it's reachin' outta the atmosphere."

"Excellent!"

* * *

_The group slowly descended to the gates of the castle._ A sign over the gate had old eldritch symbols carved into it, which rearranged themselves into the English words "Come ye wise, and be wiser. " The castle itself was impressive enough without its tower, a looming, Baroque structure, was built of square white stones, and it reached so high that it looked as if it was some sort of strange star trap. At its center, there was a large dome which had a large telescope reaching out of it. If Atlas had a home, this would most certainly be it.

Finn, Jake, and Alan walked up to the gate, which had a suit of armor on each side. As they walked toward the door, the suits blocked it with their halberds. "Hey, what gives?" Jake asked, stepping back as the armor suits assumed a battle-ready stance.

"Look's like we're fighting our way in," Finn said, drawing his blade. "Let's do this!'

Finn swung his blade at an armor suit, who parried with his halberd. The other suit immediately swung his own weapon, narrowly missing Jake, who stretched to avoid the blow. Jake then responded to the attack by wrapping himself around the suit and crushing it. Finn struck out at his suit's feet, felling it and leaving it vulnerable for a coup de grace.

"Uhhh...Guys? That was awesome, but I don't think that was all of them..." Alan said, noting the unit of animated armor advancing on him.

They charged at full speed, attempting to overrun our heroes. Alan quickly put up a force shield, carving a gap in the charge as the weapons broke against it, causing it to crack. It was only moments before the dozens of halberds and swords coming down broke the shield, leaving Alan completely exposed. Finn swung his sword madly, hacking armor suits to pieces, while Jake grew to tremendous size, hammering down on the suits with his humongous fist. Alan, meanwhile, was evading hacks and slices from the (thankfully) incompetent constructs. "GET OFF MY BACK!" He screamed, letting out a burst of energy which knocked nearby armor away, crippling many. The battle spilled through the doors, as Alan, Finn, and Jake fell back into the castle, realizing that while they had greater prowess, they would be overwhelmed by the enemy's numbers. As they entered the castle, Alan used his magic to force the doors shut, while Jake and Finn finished off any of the armor suits who made it in before the doors shut. After the door was closed, Alan sat down. He was obviously exhausted, and sweat was pouring from his brow. The battle was hard, but Finn and Jake fared much better, due to their own experience.

"Hey, Alan! You okay, bro?" Finn asked, producing a granola bar from his backpack.

"Yeah...I'm fine...I'm just...not used to using...this much magic."

"My sincerest apologies, young Warlock." A feminine voice apologized from across the large room. The gang looked to see that the voice belonged to a beautiful young woman with bluish-grey skin, brown, almond-shaped eyes, and jet-black hair. Well, at least she looked young, "I did not realize I would have visitors. My name is Tomoko, and this is what remains of the Wizard's guild."

Alan lazily held up his left hand, where he wore the ring he found which signified him as a recruit of the Wizard's guild,

"Oh, goodie! A recruit's ring! Wherever did you find it, Neophyte?"

"The halls of Len'Kon in the Unkown Lands," He replied, beginning to regain his stamina.

"_Psst!_" Jake whispered to Alan, "_What's a Neophyte?_"

"_It means n00b. It's just more polite._" Alan whispered back, while he walked up to kiss Tomoko's hand.

"I am honored to become a member of this guild, however small. What happened?"

"Well, over 300 years ago, we were attacked by a powerful beast that devoured the _ki_ of almost all of the member wizards. My compatriots and I were barely able to destroy it, and I am the only survivor. Thus, I hereby inaugurate you as the second member of this guild, under the provision that you do all in your power to further the spread of truth, freedom, justice, hope, and the moral use of magic."

"I sol-"

"To empower the weak, to destroy evil, to preach enlightenment, and to strike down those who abuse their magical powers at the expense of others."

"I do sw-"

"To end tyranny, to bring light into dark places, and to help those who are in need.

"I SWEAR, OKAY! Are we done with our oath?"

"Yes, yes, we're done. Such an impatient boy..."

* * *

_Our protagonists followed Tomoko to their chambers,_ as they looked at the portraits on the walls. They were powerful mages of all ages, races, and nations, all with rings much like the one Alan wore, but with different gems set in the center. "Hey, Tomoko, what's with all the gems?" Finn asked.

"Those gems denote rank. The unset rings signify new recruits, such as your friend Alan. The head of the Mage's Guild wears a ring set with an Energy Gem such as the one I bear. It is a jewel composed of the life-force which flows through all living things, focused into a white-hot point."

"Cool."

"Now, I must take my leave of you and retire to my chambers, and I suggest you do the same, Alan. You have much training to do. Your friends are welcome to participate as well..."

"Nah. We did the whole 'wizard thing', an' it went badly. G'night guys," Jake said, curling up into his bed and preparing to sleep.

"G'night, Jake," Finn yawned "G'night, Alan."

No response. Alan had been asleep for several minutes already. That fight really destroyed him as far as energy.

* * *

_The next morning, Jake woke up to find Finn and Alan's beds empty._ He scratched his behind as he walked down the hall to the main room, where Alan was training.

"Oof!" Alan was hit squarely in the chest with a ball of energy, knocking him across the room.

"You need to be faster with your shields!" Tomoko shouted, readying another energy bolt.

"I know!" Alan yelled back, anticipating her next attack. He raised another shield, barely deflecting the bolt.

"WHY WON'T YOU HIT ME?" Tomoko yelled, letting out a volley of magical darts.

"I DON'T KNOW HOW!" He screamed, his ring crackling with magical sparks.

Suddenly, his anger got the best of him. Instead of the uncontrolled wave of energy he let out against the Living Armor, he found that his ring helped him to control the forces in his body. He shouted, a guttural cry of frustration, as he let fly a bolt of magical energy. It was weak, and he only managed a glancing blow, but it caught Tomoko off guard. Alan pressed the advantage, shouting "GEIMHLE IARANN!" as he focused his remaining power in an attempt to hold her down. He then picked up a plain wooden staff from the floor as he ran toward her. She easily snapped the bonds, and by the time Alan closed, she had her hand up, and Alan was flung across the room.

"You still don't have enough focus! Your power is great, but if you can't focus it, you might as well be throwing balls of paper!"

"You haven't exactly been helping me! All you've done is thrown balls of energy at me!"

"And before today, the blew right through your shields! Now you can deflect them!"

"Well, I...Uh...But...Argh! You're right, but I'm still really miffed!" Alan shouted, storming out of the room.

"Where do you think you're going?"

"To the kitchen! I'm hungry, and it's lunchtime!"

Finn then stepped up, as Alan went off to make a sandvich.

"Alright. Leterrip!" Finn said confidently, his sword held aloft.

"What can you hope to learn? You are not a true Mage," Tomoko said condescendingly.

"I wanna see how hard it is to deflect those things."

"Alright." Tomoko said, as she began to fling bolt after bolt. Finn swung his sword, blocking every one with aplomb. That's when Tomoko kicked things up. Soon, the term "Bullet Hell" was applicable in spades, as Finn was quickly worn down despite his best efforts. He held out his best, but Tomoko was determined to take him down a peg. Finally, at the last moment, when he was about to go down, Finn let out a berserker's screech as he got up, charged Tomoko, and nearly closed with her before he was finally overwhelmed. Jake, meanwhile, was cheering Finn on and eating popcorn out of a bowl that was also his hand.

When Finn went down, Jake immediately stood up and dropped his popcorn, shouting, "Hey, no fair! You went way harder on Finn!"

"I went harder because I thought he could handle it. I was almost right. _Almost_."

"Man, this is bogus. C'mon, Finn. Let's go get lunch."

* * *

_That evening, Alan walked to his bed as if his bones were made of lead, exhausted from the hellish training he received._ Finn and Jake, while somewhat tired, (and in Finn's case, rather battered), were still in pretty good shape. Finn, still nursing a few bruises, decided to turn in early, leaving Jake alone to wander the castle. Jake roamed the hallways, finding many rooms filled with magical wonders: One room had a singing mirror that asked those who looked into it to join it in a duet. Another room had a rubber duck that held a portal to the Elemental Plane of Water. A third room had Tomoko with a long, stretched out neck and fangs. another room had _W__aaaait a minute!_ Jake paused for a moment and then crept back to the third room. Tomoko was gazing into a polished crystal ball, her long, elastic neck swaying excitedly.

"Excellent...The foolish boy is beginning to unlock his _ki_ potential...Honestly, for somebody who has studied magic for over a millennium, he's not so great at magic."

_Oh my Gob!_ Jake thought, _Tomoko is a monster!_

It was at that moment that Tomoko thought she heard something, and stretched her neck out the door to look up and down the hallway, and, satisfied that she couldn't see anyone, returned to her scrying. Jake then peeled himself from the wall and hurried back to the bedroom. He ran to Alan's bed and tried to wake him.

"_Alan! Alan! Wake up!_" Jake whispered, trying to shake Alan awake, to no avail. He gave up, deciding it would be easier to tell him in the morning, and went to bed.

* * *

_Alan yawned, slowly waking up._ Jake was standing over him. "Jesus Crikey!" Alan shouted, suitably surprised at Jake's presence.

"Hi Alan..." Jake trailed off nervously.

"Uh...Hi. Why are you standing over my bed, Cullen?" Alan said, half confused and half sarcastic.

"Well, uh, I was up walking around last night, and I was looking around, and..."

"Aaaaaand...?"

"I opened a door and I saw Tomoko..."

"Don't tell me she was naked."

"No! Her neck was all stretched out and she had sharp teeth and she was watching you through a crystal ball and she was being really creepy!"

"Woah. That _is_ creepy," Alan said, "But I don't see why I should worry. I mean, Professor X and Batman had some pretty messed up methods, but Nightwing and Cyclops both turned out pretty awesome."

"Dude! She was talking about that _ki_ stuff! I think she might be the monster who killed all those wizards!"

"You know, I think Jake might have something there, bro." Finn said as he clambered out of bed.

"Alright. let's head to the library."

* * *

_Alan was in the library with Finn and Jake, looking through ancient bestiaries_, looking for a creature consistent with Jake's description. Eventually, Finn shouted out to the others, "I think I've found it!"

"Really? What've you got?" Alan said, walking over to Finn.

"It's called a _Rokurokubi_. Legend says it looks like a normal woman by day, but at night it can stretch its neck to incredible lengths. It also says they drink blood and can change their faces to look like demons."

If you, the reader, are familiar with the phrase "speak of the devil", it would apply quite well here, as while Finn explained what a _Rokurokubi_ was, Tomoko sneaked up behind the group and proceeded to wrap her powerful neck around their throats. They struggled at first, but eventually lost concsiousness.

* * *

_Finn, Jake, and Alan awoke in a room filled with dried, desiccated corpses._ Jake took advantage of this moment to gloat.

"I told ya."

"Yes, I know. We can take time to gloat later."

"You mean _I_ can take time to gloat."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. We need to get out of here." Alan retorted, standing up and walking toward the door.

"_Oscail!_" Alan intoned, attempting to magically open the door, "Shoot. Magic-proof."

"No worries, bro. Jake's got this," Finn said cheerfully as Jake used his key hand to open the door.

The three made their way down the hall, and ran right into a small cadre of Living Armor. It was go-time.

The Armors charged, swinging Zweihanders and halberds. Finn evaded a few attacks, saw an opening and quickly removed a leg each from two of the suits, while Jake launched himself into the helmet of an armor suit and promptly expanded it to pieces. Three enemies were attacking Alan from all sides, viciously striking at him. Alan immediately remembered his brief training under Tomoko and focused his power, allowing him to erect a shield strong enough to allow him to build up enough energy to blow a clean circular hole though the chest of one of the suits. The other two were surprised long enough to allow Finn to hack down one of them while Jake crushed the other in a wrap attack. "Hey man! You finally got that blast working!" Finn said.

"Congrats!" Jake added.

The trio immediately headed for the main hall with one mission in mind: _Destroy Tomoko_.

* * *

_[Another Author's note: You may want to listen to _Song 2 _by Blur or_ Battle Without Honor of Humanity_ from the _Kill Bill Vol. 1 Soundtrack_ for greater enjoyment.]__  
_

_Tomoko stood at the center of an army of Living Armor._ She laughed condescendingly as they walked in, obviously believing she had no chance of defeat.

"You fools! I have devoured the blood and souls of countless Magician whose powers exceeded yours by orders of magnitudes, Neophyte! Those old fools fell for my charms easily, and those that didn't were quickly...disposed of. I was afraid I'd have to go back to feeding on normal mortals, and then you walked in. You have a vast reserve of energy, Warlock, but you have no idea how to use it, and so you will be devoured!"

"You may have killed all those wizards, stretchy lady, but they were all missing one thing!" Finn shouted, readying his blade.

"Oh really?"

"Yeah! They weren't this AWESOME!" Jake shouted, growing so huge his head brushed against the high vaulted ceiling. Alan stood at the back of the group, readying a force shield.

Finn immediately cut through three Armors, while Jake slammed his fists down so hard that the Armors beneath crumpled like tin cans into a newly-formed crater in the floor. Alan place a pane of force shielding in front of himself, and then pushed it forward, slamming into several smashed suits. Finn then jumped onto Jake's arm, using it as a bungee cord to build momentum, throwing himself into, and carving through, a particularly large suit of armor, cutting down several other suits on the way. Alan then focused himself, and let loose an expanding ball of force, crushing several of the Armors. Eventually, all but a few suits of armor remained as Tomoko watched the battle from her chair, more amused than anything. And then she stood up.

She lobbed a ball of fire, while casting a haste spell. Alan managed to repel the flames with a shield, but it was obvious that he was starting to run on fumes. While Alan tried to recover, Tomoko drew her sword and closed in quickly, locking into Finn's blade. Jake attempted to streach around and strike Tomoko from behind, but she was too quick and gave Jake a projectile headbutt. Jake reeled, while Finn was forced to his knees by Tomoko's powerful arms. Alan stood up, and prepared as much power as he could for one final blast. Finn, seeing Alan, regained his resolve, and stood on his feet. He disengaged from Tomoko's blade, and savagely stuck out at her. She was just fast enough to evade or parry every attack, but Finn didn't need to hit her. He just needed her in the right spot. Alan then let loose with all he had, screaming at the top of his lungs, "STAILC COSMAÍ!"

He missed.

Tomoko then grabbed Finn's head and brought it down on her knee, knocking him unconscious. Alan fell down to his knees, slowing fading in and out of consciousness. Tomoko dropped her sword and her magic wards and laughed. "Hahaha! That was a powerful blast, and it might have killed me. If only you had worked on your aim..."

"I didn't need to hit you. I just needed to distract you. NOW, JAKE! RESTRAIN HER!" Alan shouted, as Jake wrapped himself around Tomoko's arms and legs, preventing her from moving to cast spells. Alan slowly hobbled to Tomoko and took her ring before putting his hand on her forehead.

"Wh-what are you doing!" Tomoko demanded, uncertain of what was happening.

"Freeing the souls you stole!" Alan replied, as he unwove the magic that held the _ki_ of the dead Magi.

Tomoko screamed in agony as the energy forcefully expelled itself from her body. The energy was so intense, her dying body superheated into plasma as her body reached stellar temperatures for a brief instant before the last echoes of her dying screams finally faded. And then Alan passed out.

* * *

When Finn awoke, he found himself sitting in a hospital in the Candy Kingdom. Jake was standing over him. He was battered, bruised, and wearing a hospital gown. "Hey, buddy! You're awake! The doctor says you're pretty beat up, but you should be okay. You bounce back pretty good."

"Oh, cool." Finn said, feeling the bandages on his nose, "Hey, where's-"

"Alan?" Bubblegum interrupted, walking past the curtain, "Oh, he's fine. He just needed to rest after the crazy amount of energy he used up at the Wizard's Guild."

"Oh, okay. I guess everything turned out pretty good..." Finn though aloud.

"Yes, but it's pretty scary that anyone could become that powerful without anyone knowing about it..."

"Yeah, but me Jake, and all my friends will be here to stop them every time!"

"Hey, guys! I'm feeling much-whoa-much better now. Still a little wobbly, though." Alan said, stumbling toward Finn's hospital bed.

"I'm glad to hear that, but you really need to rest." Bubblegum chided.

"Yeah, sure," Alan said, "But, uh, I'm in a hospital gown, and without any underwear...So..."

"You need to borrow some pants?" PB, Finn, Jake, and everybody else said in perfect unison.

"Uh...yeah."


	4. North Wing Story

_[Author's Note: This chapter contains strong political language which is unsuitable for extreme Left- and Right-wing people. You have been warned, Tea Party.]_

_Alan sat on a bridge as Marceline drifted up to him, wearing her sun hat._ "Hey. My name's Marceline."

"Hi. I'm Alan. One of Finn's acquaintances."

"Oh? Got any craaaazy adventures planned?" Marceline said, sarcastically waving her hands.

"Nope. Just sittin' on a bridge."

* * *

_Finn and Jake were playing catch with an old, worn baseball _when an armored cashew with legs walked up. They immediately recognized him as a denizen of the Duchy of Nuts, and based on his equipment, he was probably a member of the Duke's Guard. "Heroes Finn and Jake, I bring a message from the Duke of Nuts!"

"Lay it out, bro!" Jake said, grabbing the scroll in his hand.

"The political situation in the Grand Duchy has become especially tense as of late, so the Duke as decided to find extra outside contractors to join his Guard for the time being. Thus, I hereby deputize you as temporary members of the Duke's Guard!"

"Cool." Finn said, reading the scroll:

_Dear Finn and Jake,_

_The political situation here in the Duchy has become incredibly volatile as of late. The Northern and Southern Wings of Parliament have been at each other's throats for the past several weeks over recent economic and immigration reforms, and some of these disputes have burst out into violence. I fear for my own life, and have decided to hire the both of you as temporary Guardsmen. You will be paid the standard wages, of course, and perhaps a bonus if you do well._

_-Duke Albus Filibuster Mulhorand of Nuts_

_(P.S., I bet you read this in my voice.)_

"Hey Jake, guess what time it is?" Finn asked, reaching out for a fist bump.

"AAAAAADVENTURE TIME!" Jake bumped knuckles with Finn.

* * *

_Our protagonists followed the guard to the Duchy,_ pumping themselves up for the grand adventure they thought this would be. They were wrong. When they finally reached the Guard's Barracks, they were gruffly told by the Head Sergeant to put on suits of armor.

"Wait, man! I can't wear this! It won't let me stretch!" Jake protested.

"You wanna say that a little _louder_, MAGGOT?" Sarge shouted.

"_Nothing,_" Jake shrunk back, obviously intimidated by the hard-shelled chestnut before him.

"No worries, man! This armor's the sheez!" Finn exclaimed enthusiastically as he put the armor on, "So what's our first assignment, Sarge?"

"Litter patrol." Sarge said flatly, doing his best not to smile at these two poor schmucks.

* * *

_"Man, this blows,"_ Jake said, using his Guard-Issued pike to pick up a stray piece of paper.

"Nah, this is fun!" Finn said, chasing after a shopping bag, "See! It's like a game! Every piece of...Wait...This _is_ lame."

"Well I'm not standing for it!" Jake said, walking off in a huff.

"Jake, wait up!"

* * *

Finn followed Jake into the central castle of the Duchy. Jake was muttering rude words under his breath as he approached the door to the Duke's chambers. They were blocked by two large walnuts and a pistachio, all three guards. "This is the Duke's Chamber. None may enter without his express permission."

"Don't gimme that garbage you son of a-" Jake said, being cut off by Finn.

"Ahahaha! Jake, you joker! What he _meant_ to say is that we need to speak with the Duke with regards to our assignment."

"Unless the Duke sent for you, you may not pass," the pistachio said stubbornly. At that very moment, the Duke opened the door to speak to one of the Guardsmen.

"Fredley, could you please send for Finn and-Oh! You're already here! Splendid!" the Duke said, waving them both into his office.

"What's up, Duke?" Finn asked casually.

"Where have you been all day? I was told you reached the Duchy, but you never reported for security detail."

"Security detail? Sarge told us we had Litter Patrol." Finn said, looking very confused.

"Oh dear. It appears that the Sergeant is no longer trustworthy! He must have wanted you out of the way before the annual Grand Parliamentary Session."

"What's that?" Jake asked, scratching his head.

"It is the one time of year where Parliament is required to remain in session for a full day, in order to resolve any standing issues. We were going to attempt to resolve our current economic crisis."

"What's the problem, then?" Finn asked.

"The problem is that the North Wing Members believe that we must increase taxes and spending to end our economic rut, while the South Wing believes that tax cuts and economic incentives are the only way to prevent a recession."

"Okay, so why can't you just get them to work it out together?"

"That's the problem! The two sides refuse to see each other's point of view, and have both stated they wi-"

BOOOOM!

That "Boom" was an explosion that shook the castle and blew a wall out of the side of the Duke's office. Luckily, Jake was quick enough to stretch himself into a blast shield, enveloping Finn and the Duke.

When Jake stood up, Finn and the Duke surveyed the damages.

"_This is exactly the thing I was talking about!_" the Duke shouted, throwing his hat on the ground. "Everybody has gone...They've gone..."

"Nuts?" Finn suggested.

"I didn't want to say it, but yes. I fear somebody is using the chaos as cover to try and kill me!"

"You okay, dude?" Finn asked, turning his attention to Jake.

Jake was shaking a little, and one side of his body was scorched. "Yeah, I'm fine. Ow."

* * *

_Alan and Marceline were watching koi swim in the river as the sun began to set._ Princess Bubblegum, accompanied by Peppermint Butler walked up as Alan absent-mindedly mused on the nature of life.

"What is life, Marceline?"

"I dunno, eaty-breathy-moving stuff?"

"But what about trees? They don't move."

"Life is..." PB began, tying to find a scientific explanation. She had none.

"Hey, PB, Peppermint." Marceline said, still pondering Alan's question, "Have you met Alan?"

"Yes, we've met," Bubblegum said.

"Perhaps it's more abstract than anything. Like a change in energy states."

"Maybe..." Peppermint Butler pondered.

"But then, how could one distinguish a living organism form a galaxy? Both are composed of smaller pieces that consume matter for energy, e.g. stars, and move and reproduce. Perhaps the universe is just and unending layer-cake of organisms composed of smaller organisms...?"

"...Huh?" Marceline was lost.

"Nevermind. Let's stick with Marceline's explanation." Bubblegum said, watching leaves fall from a nearby tree.

* * *

_Finn and Jake stood on either side of the Duke,_ as he prepared to give a speech to Parliament before opening the Grand Session. Every Member was in attendance, as was required by law, and the room was filled with more tension than if you took the cast of Ranma ½, turned them into rubber, and stretched them from Big Ben to the Eiffel Tower. The place already a nuthouse by definition, but it was about to get nuttier.

The Duke began to speak, "Friends and colleagues, I wish to begin this session of Parliament by asking that we remember the foundation of our government, and of all civilization: compromise. In order to allow a government to operate, different people with different views must learn to _come together_, NOT to split apart. Factionalism is the-"

"Albert Hedley, representing district 7. I would like to begin by saying that you are a fool and a weak ruler. How dare you allow the socialist rants of those idiotic North-Wingers! They aren't interested in saving the economy! They are only interested in impoverishing the wealthy in a childish act of class warfare!"

"Hedley, sit down! You know nothing of how economics works! And how can you accuse us of class warfare when you have repeatedly denied the passage of dozens of public welfare programs! You seek only to protect your own wealth!"

Hedley turned to face the cashew that interrupted his interruption of the Duke. "Fredericks! That's the last time you disrespect me! Have at you!" He drew his sword angrily as he lunged at Fredericks.

"Order! ORDER!" The Duke shouted, knowing full-well that it would do no good. "Why didn't I ban swords in the chambers...?"

"No worries, Duke! We got this!" Finn said, drawing his sword.

"Don't kill any of them! We need them alive to resolve this!"

Finn and Jake sprung int action, diving into the midst of the fracas. Three large walnuts bore down their blades on Finn, who parried effortlessly against the clumsy, untrained fighters, disarming them and dealing them each a kick to the gut. Jake hung from the chandelier in the center of the room, taking careful aim at a group of Members. Moments later, he let loose a volley of projectile punches in a fashion similar to a Dragon's Fist, quickly incapacitating several nuts. Finn tumbled past a group of nuts, tripping one and hitting him on the head with the butt of his sword. The last few nuts surrendered without a fight, seeing Finn and Jake's superior combat abilities. "STOP RIGHT THERE!"

That shouted warning came from the Duke's podium, where the Duke was being held at knife-point by the former Sergeant of the Guard.

* * *

_The sun had just nearly reached the horizon_ as Alan, Marceline, Princess Bubblegum, Lemongrab, Lemongrab's Lemon Camel, Cinnamon Bun, Manfred the Piñata, Duck Xing the Sign Golem, and BMO all sat on the now-crowded bridge. The sky flashed green for an instant as the sun set.

"Ooooh!"

"That there's called a Green Flash. Never seen one before." Alan said.

* * *

_The former Sergeant held the Duke at the end of his blade_, daring Finn and Jake to step any closer. "If either of you take a step, the Duke dies!"

"Hey, we don't want any trouble." Finn said, trying to calm down the attacker.

"Shaddup! I'm not interested in your excuses! I want restitution!"

"Restitution? I have not wronged you, Sergeant." the Duke said, curious as to what happened to cause him to do this.

"You let hundreds of hard-working nuts go out of work, and did _nothing_! AND YOU FIRED ME!" he shouted, his voice filled with rage.

"I did my best to help the people of this Duchy, and I only fired you because you misled Finn and Jake and betrayed my trust."

"That's a load of junk! You have the power to fix things, and you won't! You just sit in your castle and eat pudding while your people starve!"

"I have a pudding deficiency, and I do not have as much power as you think I do. Most of the decisions in the goverment are made by parliament."

"So...the Parliament doesn't work?"

"Not exactly. The problem is a lot more complex, but it really boils down to modern politics being founded on a fundamental misunderstanding of how democratic procedures are supposed to work, and a general attitude of bullheadedness and refusal to compromise in favor of finding solutions which can appeal to everyone. You see, democracy isn't just about finding the best solution, but about finding an answer that everyone can agree on at some level." Jake said, succinctly pointing out the problem.

Finn, "Sarge" and the Duke just stared at him for a moment.

"What? I majored in political science at Community College." Jake explained.

* * *

_The next morning, Sarge had been reinstated as head of the Guard, _and the Parliament had learned a powerfully painful lesson in cooperation. As Finn and Jake left town, one Parliament Member proposed a holiday be declared in their honor called "Heroes' Day", when another interjected that it should instead be "Adventurer's Day". An argument was about to break loose, but Sarge quickly reminded them of their manners.

On the way home, Finn and Jake happened across a bridge which had collapsed the night before. A sign read _"Bridge currently out of order due to large crowd-related collapse. Thank you, Management."_


	5. Finn and Jake go to White Castle

_[Author's Note: If you've ever watched _The Hangover_, you might recognize some of the plot here. That is because this is an homage. And yes, I did make a full plot around a throwaway remark from_ It Came From the Nightosphere_.__]_

_Marceline walked into her cave to find possibly the most bizarre scene she had ever experienced._

"Marceline! Thank God you're here!" Alan said, "Something weird must have happened! Now Jake's trapped under a giant spoon, Finn and I are in dresses, I think Finn won a beauty pageant, we lost Bubblegum along the way, we can't remember anything that happened, and BMO is speaking Dutch! **DUUUUUUUTCCCCCCH!**"

"Oh! Hallo. Hoe gaat het, Marceline?" BMO waved cheerfully.

"Wha...? What the...WHY ARE YOU IN MY HOUSE!"

"I don't know!"

"Okay, what's the last thing you remember?" Marceline tried to calm Alan down, as he looked about five seconds away from a wizard aneurysm.

* * *

_4 PM..._

Princess Bubblegum was hard at work in her lab, mixing strange chemicals.

"Hey there, Bubblegum!" Alan said, having walked into the room in an unintentionally silent manner.

"Gyah!" PB dropped the beakers she was holding out of surprise, "What the heck are you doing!"

"Whoops! Don't wanna drop these!" Alan said, barely catching the chemicals before they shattered on the floor, "Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you...I just found this! She's a rat, but she looks like a candy corn! Adorable!"

Bubblegum's brow was furrowed as she rubbed her temples in frustration. She took a deep breath, sighed, and said, "Well, no harm no foul, I suppose. If you really need to know, I'm doing some research into neurotransmitters to see where I went wrong with Lemongrab. Her name's Science, by the way."

"Oh...That dude's kind of unbalanced."

"And next time, please knock before you enter."

"Sorry."

"Yo, Bubblegum! We got those ingredients you needed!" Jake called up the stairs, as he and Finn entered the lab laden with various caged animals, potted plants, and strange liquids and powders.

"Excellent! Thanks for the help, guys. I never would have been able to get these on my own."

Alan eyed the reagents suspiciously, particularly a strange looking toad whose cage sat at the top of the pile. He immediately reached towards it, only to have his hand smacked by Princess Bubblegum.

He tried again. She smacked his hand again.

Reach. Smack.

Reach. Smack.

Reach. Smack.

"You know, when I slap your hand, that means you shouldn't touch it."

"But...It looks so weird! And the best way to find out what weird things are is to poke them!"

"It's called an Elder Toad, and it secretes a chemical that is highly hallucinogenic and has been linked to memory loss. So don't touch it."

Bubblegum then proceeded to put on a pair of heavy-duty rubber gloves, grab the Elder Toad, and squeeze it over a large glass container, causing a brackish-looking brown liquid to pour into the container. "This toxin will be studied to see what effect it has on living brain cells. If it has any potential applications, I may send you both to harvest more." Bubble gum explained while she filled a dropper with the fluid.

On the table, next to an active Bunsen burner which was being used to boil water, a small, squishy, pink object sat in a petri dish. "This..." she explained further, holding the dropper over it, "is a chicken's brain. I am now placing a drop of Elder Toad secretion onto it," She did so, and then quickly placed it under the microscope next to an untouched brain. The untouched brain was fairly boring, occasionally firing a brief spark between neurons. The Elder Toad "juiced" brain, however, was crackling with signals between nerve cells.

"Interesting...There appears to be a jump in brain activity from the toad secretion," Bubblegum said, still holding the dropper.

"Hello!" BMO said, popping up out of nowhere. "I have come to get my processor upgrade!"

"Ack!" The Princess squawked as she dropped the dropper in surprise. Nobody caught it, it broke on the table, the Toad Juice splattered on the Bunsen burner, it ignited, and...

* * *

_"And...?"_ Marceline questioned.

"And...that's all I remember!" Alan said. He was certainly calmer than he was before, but that isn't saying much.

"Well, I guess we'll have to investigate. 'Princess Finn', you stay to help Jake," Marceline teased, as she motioned to Finn's flowing dress and tiara. "Noodle-arms here'll be no good for that."

"Oi! Amnesiac, not deaf. Let's go, we haven't any time to waste."

* * *

_Alan and Marceline went back to Bubblegum's lab._ It was mostly undamaged, but papers and reagents were casually strewn about like clothes in a teenager's room. There was also a large scorch mark on the table near the Bunsen burner. "What do you think happened here?" Marceline asked, sniffing for anything that might give a clue to the events of last night. She didn't like what she smelled: Traces of Elder Toad.

"Ugh! Did an Elder Toad fart in here?"

"No, but I think I may know what happened." Alan began, "It's just a hypothesis, but perhaps the heat from the burner aerosolized the secretion, causing it to explode and be inhaled into our systems. That doesn't explain BMO, though."

"How much _CSI_ have you _watched_?"

"I didn't think you'd know about CSI."

"I'm almost as old as you are, Gramps."

At that moment, Marceline and Alan heard a shuffling from a pile of papers. Alan pushed aside the papers to find a terrified Science, curled in a ball and shaking like a chihuahua with Parkinson's.

"Aw! Poor girl! C'mere!" Alan coaxed. Science cautiously walked up to Alan, sniffed him for a moment, and hopped into his outstretched hand.

"Why do you suppose all this stuff is thrown around, though?" Marceline wondered.

* * *

_4:30 PM..._

Everyone had hit the deck, expecting an explosion. All they got was a whoosh, some smoke, and a really nasty smell. Like, if you took a rotten egg, threw it into a clogged toilet and left it to fester for a month, fished it out, patted it dry with the oldest, rattiest, rankest socks you could find, and burned it. Consequently, everyone was coughing furiously. "Pew! What a _stank_!" Jake said, his nostrils burning. He was particularly sensitive, being a dog.

"Hey guys? I don't feel so great..." Alan said, looking at his hands, which appeared to be slowly shifting colors.

"Oh no...The Toad Juice aerosa...aroma...got all gassy..." Bubblegum slurred, as the Toad secretions clouded her thoughts.

"Hehehe...gassy..." Finn chuckled, as he awkwardly got to his feet.

"Wha...I...What's that!" Alan shouted, reacting poorly to the gas. He believed he saw some sort of specter floating among the beakers and test tubes.

"Where?" Jake said, getting ready for a fight.

"There! On the desk, hiding behind the papers!"

Jake literally threw a punch, sending papers fluttering all over the room.

"Now it's on the shelf!"

Finn kicked the shelf, pouring various powders and chemicals on the floor.

"It's on PB's head!" he screamed, as he flung a loose bolt of energy, knocking her out the window. She dopily chuckled as she watched the strange colorful plants float through the air past her. Her fall was broken by several tree branches, so when she reached the ground, she was only a little scratched up.

"Bro, I'm hungry." Jake moaned, feeling his stomach grumble.

"Ditto. Let's go grab a snack." Finn agreed.

"No! That's exactly what the Palin Family is planning on!" Alan shouted...Alan was obviously getting loonier by the minute.

As the trio left in search of munchies, BMO chased after them, shouting, "Wait! You forgot my upgrade!"

* * *

_"Hey, Marcie!"_ Alan said, looking out the window, "The branches in this tree are broken!"

"Don't call me Marcie."

"Don't call me Gramps."

"Fine, Toothpick, I won't call you Gramps."

Alan was about to head to the stairwell when he was unceremoniously hoisted into the air and out the window, and then down to the ground by Marceline. Alan just stood there for a moment, regaining his balance. He then turned to face Marceline. "You know I hate being carried."

"Hey, you were the one who said 'we haven't the time to waste'," Marceline said, using a phony British accent for (American) Alan's words.

"I _ain't_ British. Now, the ground here is too hard to hold prints..."

"The scent trail is too weak for me to follow. It must've dissipated." Marceline said, trying her best to catch a whiff of Bubblegum.

"Hm...Oh! I know just the spell! _Conair na Sí!_" He chanted, as faint lines of light began to form on the ground, marking out the footsteps of those who walked that area in the past day.

"Alright. This spell should show us where we went within a few hundred yards. It appears that we headed due East toward the Candy Kingdom."

"Okay, let's roll, Toothpick."

* * *

_8 PM..._

PB had just rejoined the group _en route_ to their food quest. They were wandering into town, marveling at the strange, colored lights which drifted on the warm evening breeze. Except Alan. He was jumping and fidgeting as he nervously watched Adam West and Christian Bale arguing, certain that one or both would pull an elephant. As a weapon. Alan did not do well under the effects of Elder Toad Juice. the group all stopped for a moment as Cinnamon Bun walked by. They didn't even need to hallucinate that he was a delicious snack, because he already was. All of them except Alan and BMO turned and began to salivate at the gaily whistling treat before them. "Hey guys! What's up?"

The group advanced on him. Alan thought he was renowned physicist Richard Feynman, back from the grave and searching for brains. The rest were just hungry.

"Uh...I don't like the way you're looking at me!" Cinnamon Bun said, having every right to be concerned. When Jake stretched his tongue out to lick the glaze off of CB's face, Cinnamon Bun turned and ran. Our be-toad-ed friends gave chase, determined to eat him (or return him to the afterlife.) BMO watched in horror.

* * *

Finn was desperately attempting to lift the spoon off of Jake, but it was just too darn heavy for him and Jake to lift. "Phew...I don't think we'll be able to move this thing, Jake," Finn said, wiping the sweat from his brow.

"Well, duh."

"Arf!"

"What was that, Jake?" Finn asked, in response to the high-pitched "arf."

"Uh, I think that's Schwabble."

"Marceline's poodle?"

"Uh...yeah."

"Oookay...Hey, did you try just flattening yourself and slipping out?"

"No can do. The opening's too narrow, an' I'm real sticky for some reason..." Jake sniffed himself, "...Smells like cinnamon sugar glaze."

"Huh. Wonder how that happened," Finn pondered, scratching his head beneath his hat. A business card fell out. It read: _Tom the Puma: Professional Pickup Artist. (571)-867-5309._

* * *

_10 PM..._

Cinnamon Bun had been running for over half an hour, trying to escape the hungry weirdoes...and the would-be zombie slayer. He only narrowly escaped after being bear-hugged by Jake and squeezing out. He ran back to town to warn them of impending doom, but he forgot why he was running by the time he got back to the Candy Kingdom.

Meanwhile, our inebriated protagonists wandered into the dark forest, perhaps with the intention of eating some woodland creatures or something. At this point, most of Alan's "scary" hallucinations had subsided, and he began to feel the same effects as the others. They were immediately attracted to a group of bright, colorful flashing lights in the distance. These lights were coming from a nearby runway that was inexplicably set up in the forest. A puma stood at the control panel of the light show. Finn and Alan noticed all the soft fabrics behind the stage and were soon rolling around in them, entranced by their own tactile over-stimulation. A stage hand walked back to find them there and, instead of asking what in Sam Hill was going on, simply said, in the most "fabulous" way possible, "Get your drethes on, ladies. The pageant'th thtarting in 5! It's ~**Magic Time**~!"

Finn and Alan, being in a highly suggestible state, simply shrugged and put on dresses. Finn found an elegant, flowing, sky-blue dress with gray lace on the sleeves and bodice, while Alan, (who was feeling rather saucy) donned a black cocktail dress, which was oddly flattering toward his figure...In a weird, cross-dresser way. The two stood in line with the other contestants to head out onto the stage. Jake, Bubblegum, and BMO sat in the audience, cheering Finn and Alan on with such classy compliments as "Hubba Hubba," "Work it, honey," "Awooga! Honka, honka," and the ever popular "Wolf Whistle". Not all of these compliments came from Jake, mind you.

* * *

Marceline and Alan followed the ghostly footprints to a partially dismantled stage. The crew disassembling it was overseen by a puma in a black T-shirt with a snarky, charismatic half-smile. He immediately recognized Alan, who was still in his cocktail dress (and heels!). "He-hey If it isn't Alice! Still think you're too good for me, runner-up?"

Marceline and Alan looked at each other momentarily.

"I guess that explains Finn's tiara, and the dresses." Alan said with his decidedly masculine voice.

"I just thought you like feeling sexy." Marceline snarked.

"Oh my GLOB! You're a _**dude**_!" the puma exclaimed in horror, "I tried to pick up a DUDE!"

"The winner was a dude, too."

The puma looked like he was about to faint, "Why are you here?"

"We need to know where I went after the pageant."

"Uh...well..."

* * *

_Midnight..._

The finals had arrived, and only Finn and Alan remained, as the talent portion of the contest loomed. The tension was palpable as "Fionna and Alice" both prepared their acts.

"Alice" was first on stage. "She" was about to sing, but an errant hallucination kicked in. "She" was convinced that she was surrounded by animated tchotchkes, and proceeded to kick imaginary butt. A kick to the face of a Felix the Cat clock, while "she" dodged a charge from a wind-up soldier. A squirrel-shaped nutcracker tried to take a bite out of "her", but "she" was too quick, and "she" grabbed a hold of it and used it to crush a Denver snow-globe to a very messy death, and then proceeded to beat the other two knickknacks to a horrible, violent finish. In reality, "she" was giving the appearance of giving some sort of strange dance demonstration. "Alice" was met with a brief round of partly sympathetic applause.

"Fionna" was next. "She" walked onto the stage, and "her" mind blanked. "She" had nothing. NOTHING. All thought had leapt from "her" head. "She" opened "her" mouth to speak.

"'_There, peeping among the cloud-wrack above a dark tor high up in the mountains, Sam saw a white star twinkle for a while. The beauty of it smote his heart, as he looked up out of the forsaken land, and hope returned to him. For like a shaft, clear and cold, the thought pierced him that in the end the shadow was only a small and passing thing: There was light and high beauty forever beyond its reach.' J. R. R. Tolkien, Return of the King._"

The puma shed a single tear as the audience paused in silence for a moment. The puma broke the silence, "I think, ladies and gentlemen, we have our winner. Ladies and gentlemen: This year's Miss Dark, Scary Forest, Fionna!"

As the band began to play, the puma placed a tiara on "Fionna's" head and handed "her" a card which read: _Tom the Puma: Professional Pickup Artist. (571)-867-5309._ "Go ahead and call me if you ever need a date," Tom said, raising his eyebrows. He tried the same with "Alice," and was promptly slapped in the face._  
_

"Fionna" burst into tears of joy as they left the pageant. Bubblegum and BMO were not with them when they finally left, as PB had gone off in the direction of some drums in the distance, and BMO was still determined to get his upgrade..

* * *

_"So Bubblegum went that way?"_ Marceline verified.

"Yeah...No can I please go home to puke?" Tom asked, still freaking out over "Fionna and Alice"

"Fine."

Tom ran home, while Alan and Marceline followed the trail to PB and BMO.

"You do realize you could have changed out of that a while ago, right?" Marceline said.

"No time. Besides, you can't pretend you don't love it!" Alan teased.

"Hahaha! You wish, creepo..." Marceline bantered back.

Soon enough, they heard the drums that were described, and happened upon a group of living wooden shoes.

"Hallo! Mijn naam is Ted."

"He says-"

"I understood that part, Marceline. Besides, since when did you speak Dutch?"

"Long story. I guess I'll translate for these guys."

The shoes and Marceline chatted for a while, before Ted sent one of his friends to go get Bubblegum.

"Hello, Alan. Hello, Marceline."

"Uh...Hi, Princess Bubblegum," Alan cringed as the words left his mouth. He was fully ready for the royal new one he knew was going to be ripped for him.

But nothing happened. Bubblegum just stood there with a contented smile.

"Bubblegum? Are you okay?"

"Oh, yes. Normally, I would be going ballistic, but it appears the Elder Toad Fluids have a mood regulating side-effect in some patients. It's actually quite pleasant."

"I just had scary hallucinations."

"Also common in some neurologically abnormal patients."

Marceline stepped into the conversation, "Okay...We found PB, but where did the giant spoon come from, and why is BMO speaking Dutch?"

"I believe that BMO's condition is my fault. I upgraded him with chipset provided to me by those friendly clogs, but it must have changed his system language. It should be easy to repair." Princess Bubblegum explained, "You look lovely, Marceline. New makeup?"

"Ignore that. She's probably still high." Alan said bluntly.

Alan, PB, and Marceline walked back toward Marceline's Cave. Marceline had a smug little smirk on her face.

* * *

_"Okay, Jake, here I come!"_ Finn shouted, as he charged the spoon with his sword. It bounced off with a resounding clang.

"Wait! I got an idea!" Jake said.

Moments later, Jake had dug himself and Schwabble out from beneath the spoon.

"Why didn't we think of that sooner, man?" Finn facepalmed.

"Maybe our heads were still messed up."

* * *

_1 AM..._

Finn, Jake, and Alan walked into Marceline's cave for the purpose of raiding her fridge.

It was at that moment that BMO, astride a giant spoon, came flying into Marceline's cave, where it landed on Jake and Schwabble.

About then, the effects of the Toad Juice wore off, and soon after, Marceline came home.

* * *

_4:00 AM..._

Marceline and Alan had retraced the gang's steps through the whole night. While PB reset BMO's language CFG's, Alan, Marceline, Finn, and Jake shared information and pondered as to where the giant spoon came from. At that moment, a giant walked by and noticed the spoon. "Hey, uh, my kid threw his spoon," he said, "can I have it back?"

Everyone exchanged glances. Marceline then said, "Sure, help yourself."

In the end, everything was explained, and the group learned a new lesson:

_[Pick any of the following. Or make up your own. I don't care.]_

A.) Volatile chemicals should not be put near open flames.

B.) Drugs are bad.

C.) Drugs lead to amazing adventures. _(Bad lesson)_

D.) Cross-dressing is fun!

E.) Nothing good happens after 2 AM.

F.) Science is bad. _(Terrible Lesson)_

G.) ?

H.) Profit! _(I couldn't resist...)_


	6. Sliders

_Princess Bubblegum and Alan stood in a clean, white room._ Alan stood in the center, while Bubblegum was behind a _very_ thick blast wall. "Are you sure this is a good idea?" Bubblegum questioned, "Considering the nature of the experiment, it might be better to do this in a simulator…"

The experiment in question was an attempt to reproduce Finn's 4-dimensional bubble, without creating a singularity. Alan was standing unprotected because he was the one who was supposed to make the bubble.

"The only computer I know of that could ever come close to powerful enough would be BMO. Do you know how hard it would be to program a unified-field physics simulator on an Atari?"

"I know, but this seems like a bad idea."

"Like you're one to talk. You play God on a regular basis. I'm just playing Oppenheimer."

The goal of the experiment was to create a new power source. Bubblegum thought about arguing, but decided to focus on the task at hand.

"11-dimensional bubble in 3…"

"Wait! We agreed on 4!"

"…2…"

"Hey! Are you even listening?"

"…sorry-can't-hear-you-I'm-busy-doing-awesome-1…"

"Stop! You'll kill us all!"

"Zero."

Alan whispered, "_An Líne Déag_."A small point of light appeared between his hands, which expanded into lines, and then widened into circles, and into spheres, and then began forming into strange, eldritch forms that could have easily fallen from a Lovecraft novel. Bubblegum ducked down, more worried about surviving that chewing Alan out.

The shape finally came to rest, as Alan strained to maintain it. Bubblegum carefully walked up with a strange container which was covered in various capacitors and electronics. Alan forced the shape into the container, and then immediately slackened, obviously exhausted. "See? I told you everything would be-"

FWOOP!

Alan, Bubblegum, and the container were gone.

* * *

_Finn and Jake were locked in their daily battle with Shark and Science Cat, when they saw a bright flash of light_, as if lightning had struck. Everyone stopped for a moment to marvel at the light. And Finn and Jake beheaded both of their attackers. "Holy cow, man! That came from Bubblegum's tower!"

The two immediately high-tailed it to the tower, where they met up with Lady Rainicorn, who had seen the flash from her stable in the Cotton Candy Forest. They skipped using the stairs and just climbed up the tower and into the window, Jake doing so by stretching (with Finn on his back), while Lady Rainicorn flew. They got into the lab to find a nobly dressed man with pink skin and a dusky-haired woman in a green T-shirt, denim jeans, and a labcoat. Yep. It's gonna be _that_ kind of day.

"Hey! Who the fuzz are you, and what did you do with Bubblegum?" Finn demanded, drawing his sword.

The pink man and the dusky-haired nerd back away at the sight of the sword.

"Sir, we mean no harm," the pink man explained, "I am Prince Gumball, and this is my associate, Elaine."

"Prince what?" Jake said, as all of the people were very confused.

"Princess Bubblegum 는 어디 있지?" Rainicorn asked, looking and sniffing around.

"I'm sorry, what?" Gumball asked. Unlike his counterpart, Princess Bubblegum, Prince Gumball did not speak Korean.

"She asked where Bubblegum went," Jake said, "Now why are you here, and where's Princess Bubblegum, pretty boy?"

"I know not of any Princess Bubblegum...Who _are_ you people?"

* * *

_Bubblegum and Alan found themselves standing in the middle of the Great Hall of the Candy Castle._ The faces around them seemed familiar, but nobody in particular rang any bells. behind them was a large entertainment system, complete with huge speakers. The container was on the floor, open.

"Wha...I...What's going on?" Bubblegum asked, at least as confused as everyone else.

The crowd murmured, wondering what happened to their prince, and that nerdy girl.

"Uh...Who are you?" A tall, muscularly built girl with a white, rabbit-eared hat asked, walking to the front of the crowd.

"Oh boy." Alan said, as the two had just fallen into a very _Quantum Leap_-style predicament.

* * *

"Okay, just to make sure I have this right: You are a prince, and all the princesses here are princes where you come from?" Jake asked, trying to get his fact straight.

"Yes. It appears Elaine and I must have somehow switched places with our counterparts here...But how?" Gumball pondered.

"Huh...I'll ask Alan. He knows that kind of thing," Finn said, pulling out Alan's mirror, "Yo, Alan!"

Elaine's pocket started beeping, and she pulled out a makeup mirror from her pocket, "Hello?"

Elaine then looked at Finn, who looked through the mirror at Elaine.

They both grunted, "D'oh!"

"Wait...Try not answering, Elaine," Finn said, still trying to reach Alan, "Alan! You there?"

* * *

_Alan and Bubblegum were rather at a loss for words, when Alan's pocket started beeping._

He pulled out a makeup mirror, "Hello?"

"You carry a magic makeup mirror?" Bubblegum giggled.

"It's easier to fit in my pocket. Shut up," Alan grunted indignantly, "Hello? Finn! Man, am I glad to see you!"

"Alan, where are you? Bubblegum fell into another reality, and a boy version of him and his girl nerd friend ended up here!"

Alan turned the mirror to face PB.

"Oh. Shoot. Well, Prince Gumball says things should be fine, but you need to finish setting up..._huh? Okay..._an entertainment system for them."

"Okay, but can I ask a favor?"

"Yeah?"

"Can you read off the little screen by the blast wall?"

"Uh...Lemme see...It says 'energy output to input ratio is 20.'"

"Yes!"

Fionna and the rest of the Candy People were still standing impatiently while Alan finished his call. "I'm sorry, I had to take this call," Alan apologized.

"Okay, who are you, and what have you done with Bubba and Elaine?" Fionna demanded.

"Bubba?" Bubblegum questioned.

"Elaine?" Alan was equally confused

"Answer me!" Fionna lunged at Alan, landing a solid punch that succeeded in dislodging a tooth.

"Stop punching me and I will!" Alan shouted, putting up a protective shield in case she decided to strike again.

_Forcefields?_ Fionna paused for a moment, _The only person I know who can do that is Elaine!_

"Elaine? Is that you?"

"Uh...sort of? We have to talk...in private."

The three cleared up the misunderstanding in another room, "So, you're, like, from another dimension?

"Reality. A dimension is more like an abstract aspect _of_ a reality." PB corrected.

"How did it happen?"

"Well, I think I may have accidentally created a wormhole across 5-space which may have caused this. Or something." Alan tried to explain, not fully grasping the incident himself.

"Well, whatever that means, I guess you two are guests here...for now."

* * *

_"So what do we do with 'em?"_ Jake asked Finn while Gumball and Elaine were surveying the castle.

"I dunno...I guess we give them a tour until Alan and Princess Bubblegum fix this."

"Wait...maybe Gumball and Elaine can do it!" Jake said, the proverbial light bulb clicking on, "Yo, Gumball!"

"Yes?" Prince Gumball answered, while studying some art on the wall, "What is it?"

"Do you know how to make wormholes?"

"No, I do not," Gumball said flatly, "And Elaine is more of an alchemist than a physicist."

"Huh," Jake said, as the room was filled with the air spilling out of Jake's plan.

"C'mon, Prince Bubble-I mean, Gumball. Let's give you two the grand tour!" Finn said, as he and Jake walked toward the front door of the Candy Castle.

The group walked out onto the castle grounds, where they saw a few candy children at play.

"Huh. Well would you look at that! Everything looks the same." Elaine mused, taking in the sights.

"Yup. Even the grass looks the same." Gumball replied.

_Well this is weird..._thought Finn, _Especially considering the huge crush I have on Bubblegum, and now he's a dude._

"Finn? Finn! You're gettin' all internal monologue-y again!" Jake said, waving a hand in Finn's face.

"Oh, huh? Uh, sorry. I guess it's just kind of weird, seeing PB as a guy and all, ya know?"

"Yeah. It's kinda weird for me, because girl Alan's kinda cute..." Jake trailed off, pondering the full implications of what he just said.

Cinnamon Bun walked up to the two gender-swapped travellers, and, by virtue of being an idiot, had the following conversation:

"Hey, guys! You look different! Didja get new haircuts?"

"Uh...No. I'm Prince Gumball, and this is my friend, Elaine." PG said, a little confused by Cinnamon Bun's greeting.

"New clothes?"

"No, I'm not who you think I am!" Gumball said, getting a little impatient.

"...I got it! New earrings!"

Elaine and Gumball both facepalmed.

"He's not even _wearing_ earrings, you idiot!" Elaine said, perhaps more rudely than she intended.

Cinnamon Bun proceeded to cry.

Finn and Jake, breaking from their respective moments of fridge logic, came to the scene. Jake picked up the blubbering Cinnamon Bun and carried him home, patting his back like a child. "Elaine, you can't just say that kind of thing to CB! He's sensitive!"

"I'm sorry...I just have short patience when it comes to overly stupid people." Elaine said, with a half-sincere apology. She honestly did feel bad about making him cry, but not much. She was met with a glare from both Finn and Prince Gumball.

* * *

_"This," Fionna motioned to the enormous tree before her,_ "Is my home, and Cake's, the Tree Fort."

"Looks about the same to me." Alan pointed out bluntly.

The trio entered the Tree Fort, which looked equally similar on the inside.

"You'll have to forgive the mess...Cake was_ supposed_ to clean up in here. Yo Cake! We have visitors!"

Cake poked her head out of her bed/drawer, "Huh?" Cake yawned, "Visitors?"

Cake stretched her legs down to the floor and dragged herself out of her drawer.

"Cake, this is Princess Bubblegum, and this is Alan." Fionna motioned to the two.

"You two look familiar...Are you guys related to Prince Gumball and Elaine?"

"Uh...kinda. We're gender-flipped equivalents from another reality."

"Oh. Okay." Cake said, pretty much entirely unsurprised.

Alan then turned to look around the fort, "You know, I've never actually seen the inside of Finn and Jake's house. Is it like this?"

"Pretty much." Bubblegum answered.

"Hey, is that a painting of what I think it is?" Alan motioned to a torn painting of a muscular man, who appeared not to be wearing clothes.

Fionna walked up to and straightened it out, "Nah, he's just wearing a swimsuit." The swimsuit was...rather small.

"You could say that that's ostensibly worse..."

* * *

_Finn, Jake, Prince Gumball, and Elaine were walking through the meadow outside the Candy Kingdom_, continuing their own tour, when they happened upon the Raggedy Princess, being harassed by a swarm of Battle Cubes. Raggedy Princess was suitably distressed.

"Finn! Jake! Help!" she cried, running from the Cubes.

Finn drew his sword, ready to fight. He and Jake charged the Cubes, while Elaine and Gumball hung back to watch. Finn saw on of the Cubes' faces turn pink and immediately raised his sword to block the small stroke of black lightning. Jake grew huge, getting ready to bind them together as he had when the businessmen were under their employ, when Elaine threw a bolt of magic that blew a hole through one of the cubes. She followed up with a circular blade made of force that sliced three of the others, and a beam of white-hot light from her eyes that seared the remaining four.

"Whoah..." Finn and Jake said, as Elaine's counterpart never exhibited this much power.

"How did you _do_ that?" Jake asked, "Alan never had that kind of power!"

"Well, he probably isn't as practiced as me," Elaine said, _Or he still has a sense of mercy..._

* * *

_Fionna, Cake, Alan, and PB were walking through the equivalent meadow when Lord Monochromicorn flew in,_ "**** * -*- -* **- -*- ***!"

"Morse code?" Princess Bubblegum asked.

Cake nodded, "He said, 'Hey guys!'"

Lord tapped and scratched at Cake for a moment. He and Cake had a back-and forth for a moment as Cake explained where Bubblegum and Alan came from. While all this tapping, scratching, and talking took place, a shadow flew over the horizon: The Ice Queen.

"Ice Queen!" Fionna shouted, "What do you want now?"

"The BOY!" She screamed, freezing Fionna and Cake solid for a moment. Fionna managed to extend her crystal sword, cracking the ice and allowing her to escape. Alan raised his hands to cast a magic bolt, but Ice Queen was too fast and froze his hands solid, preventing their use. Before he could use any incantations, she covered his mouth in ice. Fionna tried to slice at the Ice Queen, but she managed to stay out of reach. Ice Queen swooped down and grabbed a squirming Alan (who _hates_ being carried, mind you) off into the sky. Fionna cursed her luck and went to break Cake out of the ice, while Bubblegum noticed the makeup mirror. Apparently, he dropped it sometime before his hands were frozen.

* * *

_While Finn, Jake, Elaine, and Prince Gumball were visiting Marceline's house_. Marceline greatly preferred Gumball to Bubblegum (they may have similar personalities, but at least _he's_ eye candy, if you'll pardon the pun). That's when Finn and Elaine's pockets both started beeping.

Finn and Elaine both walked out in opposite directions to take the call.

"Finn! Are you there?"

"No, this is Elaine."

"Yeah, I'm here." Finn said.

Elaine then said, "Huh. I guess this is a three-way."

Everyone paused for a moment.

"A three-way call, I mean."

"Never mind! Alan's been kidnapped by the Ice Queen!" Bubblegum quickly explained.

"The who now?" Finn asked.

"Not The Who, The Ice Queen! He's like your Ice King, only she's actually dangerous."

"Yeah, that."

"Wha...Why did she take him?" Finn asked.

"I don't know. She was mumbling about a ring as she flew off," Bubblegum said, pondering what it meant.

"Crap! The ring! Don't tell me he carries it around!" Elaine said, with a certain amount of urgency in her voice.

"What? His Mage Guild Recruit Ring?" Finn asked, wondering what Elaine was freaking out about.

"No! The Ring with the _ki_ gem! The one that's pretty much a _**supernova** on your finger_!" Elaine practically shouted into the mirror.

"WHAT?" Bubblegum literally shouted into the mirror.

"He must have taken it at the Wizard's Guild, like I did! If the Ice Queen gets ahold of it, she'll be almost unstoppable, and _trust me_, that's much worse than the Ice King being unstoppable."

"Then I guess we'll have to stop her..." Bubblegum said

* * *

_"Guys, we have to go. Now,"_ Bubblegum said, putting away Alan's mirror.

"What's going on?" Cake asked, as she and Fionna broke the last of the ice off of her.

"The Ice Queen has Alan, and she has his _ki_ ring."

"_Ki_ ring?" Fionna and Cake both asked.

"I'll explain later. We need to get some help."

* * *

_After a short while walking, the group came upon a familiar cave._ It was the cave of Marceline's counterpart, Marshal Lee. If Princess Bubblegum was correct, Marshall Lee's strength, speed, and flight ability would prove helpful. "Hey, Fionna. Wassup?" Marshall Lee asked, as he came to the door.

"Marshall, we need your help," Fionna said, flatly and matter-of-factly.

"What is it?" Marshall immediately sensed the urgency in her tone of voice.

"It's a long story. I hope your ready for a fight, because things are gonna get nuts."

Marshall Lee nodded, a serious expression on his face. It was officially go time.

* * *

_"So, Ice Queen, do you expect me to talk?"_ Alan quipped, his arms and legs stuck, frozen, to a table.

"What? No. What would I expect you to talk about?"

"I-uh...James Bond reference. Just...never mind."

"I see you have a _ki_ ring, just as your counterpart does. I was trying to teleport Elaine into my magic-proofed lair, but your energy-hogging spell must have thrown it off-kilter. I guess it's just as well, because I still have the ring. It's lovely!" she said as she placed it on her slender finger.

"It matches my eyes _perfectly_, doesn't it?" she said, as the gem turned blue on contact with her skin, "Now, to steal your magic!"

"What! No! Get away fro-ARGH!" Alan was cut off as the process began. He screamed a scream of pure agony, as if somebody took a dull knife and hacked and tore a piece of his soul away. The scream was audible across the whole Ice Kingdom.

"That's Alan!" Bubblegum shouted over the screaming.

"Then we have no time to lose." Fionna said, as Cake kicked it into high gear. Fionna was wearing a suit of golden armor that was "totally chk-chk", and was armed not only with her normal Crystal Sword, but also with a finely honed golden sword, much like Finn's original sword, but less worn. Bubblegum wore pink leather armor and carried a bow and a quiver of arrows. Marshal Lee wore not only his normal attire, but also a pair of steel gloves with long claws. Cake was unarmed and unarmored, preferring to rely on her stretchy powers.

The team reached the Ice Keep, a grand, icy fortress carved from the frozen mountains of the Ice Kingdom. Alan's screaming had subsided, which meant he was either unconscious or dead. The team hoped against hope for the former. A small legion of penguins wearing horned helmets and wielding short swords. Before they attempted to attack them head-on, Bubblegum stopped them and took an arrow from her quiver. She had learned archery as a girl, like many princesses do, but it had been a long time since she had practiced it. She pulled back and hoped for the best. She let fly and struck a penguin far from the door with a poisoned arrow, designed to paralyze the subject. The penguin collapsed, and the others came to aid him and find the attacker. The group took their chance to sneak past the now unguarded door. After a period of carefully evading guards, ice golems, and frost elementals, they finally reached the Ice Queen's chambers. The Ice Queen cackled while she explained her plan to the inert lump that was Alan. The group feared for the worst, but he appeared to be breathing softly behind the bars of his cell.

"It's a simple plan, really...simple enough for even an unconscious _fool_ such as yourself to understand. I will simply use the energy of the _ki_ ring to amplify my tiara's powers, allowing me to become the goddess of ice, and once I have achieved this, I will have my choice of princes, whether they like it or not! Not even Fionna, that blasted girl, or her traitorous cat, will be able to stop me."

"That's where you're wrong, Ice Creep!" Fionna shouted, attacking with her two swords. The Ice Queen took advantage of Alan's stolen magic to place a shield to block her strikes, and then threw her across the room. While she was occupied with Fionna, Cake and Marshall Lee tried to strike at her flanks, Marshall turning into his monstrous form, a bat-eared humanoid with long, monstrous arms, and Cake shaping her fists into spiked balls. Ice Queen easily blocked both of those attacks, and chilled Bubblegum's bow so quickly the string snapped, rendering it useless. Fionna abandoned her dual-blade tactic, swing her crystal sword as hard as she could. She managed to crush the Ice Queen's shield, nearly slicing her arm wide open. Alan was slowly stirring in his cage, as he gradually regained his sense of sight. He felt sick, as if a decade of cancerous growths had exploded into being in his body in minutes. He stood up, leaning against the bars.

Eventually, Fionna's sword shattered against the powerful shields of the Ice Queen, their power amplified a hundredfold by the _ki_ gem in Alan's ring. Cake immediately leaped into Fionna's hands as Fionna shouted, "Cake! Meteor Hammer!" Cake took the form of two weights at each end of a length of her extended midsection. Fionna laid into the Ice Queen with a flurry of strikes, each deflected by the Queen's shields. Marshall Lee smashed madly from above, mostly to deflect or destroy the force blades that the Ice Queen launched. Princess Bubblegum ran to Alan's cage with her stringless bow. "Alan! Are you alright?"

"I'll be fine. Give me your bow."

"It's got no string!"

"I just need something to hit the bars with."

Bubblegum handed him the bow, and he proceeded to swing it at the cage bars, trying to break one. He succeeded, and awkwardly walked out and picked up a sharp sliver of ice from the broken bar. He lined up the shot, and threw the icicle. It was fast enough and sharp enough to fly thruogh the Ice Queen's shields and impale her hand. She fell over and grabbed her hand, screaming in agony. "You took my _magic_, not my aim." Alan said grimly.

The Ice Queen's tiara fell to the floor, as she tried to pull the icicle out of her hand. Alan walked over to her and put his foot down hard on her ring arm. He took back the ring and proceeded to administer extreme melee revenge, kicking and beating her savagely. Marshal and Fionna had to hold him back and let him come to his senses before he killed the Ice Queen. "No. You can't kill her, Alan. You're better than that." Bubblegum said, putting her hand on his shoulder. He slowly came to his senses. Marshall Lee and Fionna released him, and he fell to his knees from equal parts pain, exhaustion, terror, and shame at what he nearly did.

* * *

_The group rode Cake home, gently, as Alan's magic slowly returned._ Before they left the Ice Kingdom, Alan filled a waterskin with ice to put on his pounding head. "Is it just me, or are there a lot more weird, colorful things floating about?" Alan blinked, as strange spirits came into focus.

"No, I think you're just tired," Bubblegum said. She was pretty tired as well.

Alan shrugged and tried to go to sleep. At that moment, Lord Monochromicorn flew up to them. He clicked and tapped, telling Cake that he knew how to send them home.

"That's great, baby!"

Monochromicorn explained that if he could make a sufficiently strong singularity, he could reform the wormhole that sent Alan and Bubblegum there in the first place. As Cake translated, Alan ran through the math in his head. "The amount of energy required would be phenomenal. Even to make a small tear in space-time would require more energy than the entire Candy Kingdom could supply in a year, and if I'm right, we have a few days at most to get home."

"What about the ring?" Fionna asked.

"The what now?"

"The ring. The one the Ice Queen stole from you?" Fionna said, a little surprised at Alan's absent-mindedness. Elaine was far more competent than Alan, but Fionna didn't want to say it.

"The one she tried to use to become a snow goddess?" Bubblegum added.

"Oh, that ring. Yeah, it'd probably work." Alan said in a tired monotone.

* * *

_Finn, Jake, Gumball, and Elaine stood in the middle of the meadow, just like Princess Bubblegum told them._ Suddenly, there was a loud, cracking, popping sound, as a dazzling white sphere appeared out of thin air. "I guess that's our ride." Elaine said, walking up to the wormhole with Prince Gumball. As they stepped through, an exhausted Prince Bubblegum and Alan stumbled out. Elaine and Alan fist-bumped on the way through.

"Hey guys! Are you okay?"

"Um, well...Alan-" Bubblegum began, before Alan cut him off.

"-Is right as rain. I think I even gained wizard eyes!" Alan said, reverting to his usual cheery goofball self.

"Cool! What number am I thinking of?" Jake asked.

"I can't see that with wizard eyes...but 42."

"Whoa..."

"Jake, you always think of 42, man." Finn chuckled.

And that, kids, is why you never create 11-dimensional shapes in a low-energy setting without the proper containment fields.


	7. The Hat of Destiny

_[Author's note: I just wanna thank everyone for my 500th hit! I took a brief look at my stats, and the funny bit is that after Americans, my most common readers are in the Philippines. Statistics are interesting...]_

_Finn and Jake sat in a Marauder pub, enjoying delicious beef stew,_ when a paricularly large Marauder walked up to them, looking like he was spoiling for...something...

"Hey! Are you Finn and Jake?" he said in a gravelly voice.

"Yeah,ma-" Jake covered Finn's mouth mid-sentence.

"Who wants to know?" Jake said with with a note of suspicion in his voice.

"That skinny guy in the suit."

They looked over to the bar. Alan sat with a drink in his hand, waving.

"Oh, yeah. That's us," Jake said, getting up to walk to Alan.

* * *

Finn and Jake reached Alan, who had a rather tired expression on his face.

"Hey, man. What's up?" Jake asked.

"Ugh. I'm still tired from going to Aaa, my back is stiff from sleeping in that broom closet, and don't get me _started_ on this nasty ginger ale.

"That there ain't ginger ale. It's just ale with ginger in it." the barkeep corrected.

"Well, that explains a lot."

"Anything else...?" Jake tried to coax additional information out of him.

"Well, I kinda...You see..."

"Is it a girl?" Jake asked.

"Well, yes and no."

"A guy?" Finn piped in.

"No. It's just...I almost died in that other reality, and I realized that despite being around for one thousand and nineteen years, I've never really lived."

"What do you mean?" Finn asked, not quite seeing where Alan was going.

"Well, say that , hypothetically, I'm not good with girls," Alan began, "A _stretch_, I know."

"Uh-huh...?"

"Well, let's just say that due largely to my own lack of self-confidence, I have never kissed a girl, let alone had any sort of meaningful relationship."

"Uh-huh...?"

"Uh, dude, I think he's done explaining," Jake said, patting Finn's head, "So...what? You need us to hook you up with somebody? I heard that Tomato Princess just got back in the game..."

Alan shook his head, "Uh...I'm kinda sticking with humanoid girls. You know, the kind that are anatomically compatible with me on some basic level? And besides, I wasn't looking for anybody to hook me up, just somebody to talk to, maybe ask for advice. I mean, Jake, you and Lady Rainicorn are in a stable, happy relationship, and the girls, Princesses or otherwise, are falling all over Finn usually. I know I probably won't get that kind of result easily, but I just wanted to know what it took to...how shall I put this without sounding sexist...attract a member of the opposite gender."

"That's all you need? Well, let's go!"

* * *

_Alan, Jake, and Finn walked the long way back to the Tree Fort from the Marauder village._ As they wlked into the entryway, Alan saw the incredulously large piles of treasure strew about the cavity of the tree. "Dude! How...I...Bu...Where did all this _come from_?" Alan asked, absolutely gobsmacked by the sheer volume of valuables under the tree fort.

"Adventures." Finn answered, as if that was enough explanation for anybody.

"Yeah, adventuring has a crazy profit margin." Jake added.

"Yeah, but...Well...I never found _anything_ near a fraction of this! Ever!"

"Meh. I guess it's all up to luck. I mean, we've been adventuring since I was ten." Finn said.

"Would you two quit lollygaggin' and come up here?" Jake said, already a floor above them.

_Alan and Finn caught up with Jake in one of the upper-level rooms, where Jake was holding a pile of clothing._ "Okay, first off, we gotta change your look, 'cuz with that suit, ya look like a leprechaun."

"But I like this suit...It's the only suit I ever liked!"

"I gotta agree with Alan here. That suit is pimpin'." Finn said.

Jake then turned a mirror to Alan, who looked into it for a moment.

"I guess I _do_ kinda look like a leprechaun..."

Alan went behind a nearby partition and removed his suit, handing it to Jake.

"Dude, where did you get enough silk to _make_ this?"

"Spiders, apparently, are perfectly happy to trade silk for large jars of insects.

"Huh. Okay, try this."

Alan walked out from behind the partition, dressed like a cowboy, "Really? Cowboy? Even _I_ think this is cliché."

"Yeah, I just thought it'd be funny." Jake chuckled, handing Alan another outfit.

After trying out several amusing sets of clothing, Alan walked out from behind the partition wearing a ruffled shirt like one would see in a pirate movie, A worn, brown leather vest, and close-fitting breeches. "Well, I'd find something better, but I'm too impatient," Jake gave it the seal of somewhat apathetic approval.

"Now we just gotta work with that hair," Finn stroked his chin, pondering how to tackle Alan's tangled, dusky hair.

"Dude, this is my hair when it's been combed. I'm pretty sure the comb is still there, even," Alan cautiously reached into his hair and shook out two or three combs."

"Dude..." Finn and Jake marveled at the comb-ivorous hair.

"Ah, screw it. Let's just get to the swag lessons."

* * *

_Alan reluctantly followed Finn and Jake out to a nearby meadow where a greenish-skinned princess and her handmaidens were having a picnic._ "Alright, swag lesson one: Opening lines."

"Oh, god. _Here__ we go..._" Alan obviously had no confidence in the lesson he was about to receive.

"What?" Jake asked.

"Pickup lines? _Really_? What, am I the secondary protagonist in Hitch 2?" Alan rolled his eyes.

"Hey! Pickup lines are a very effective way to get a girl's attention. They tell the ladies that you're witty, outgoing, and looking for somebody."

"_No__,_ they tell 'the ladies' that you're desperate, shallow, and a _walking ball of platitudes_."

"Fine. Don't believe my words? Believe my results."

Jake walked up to one of the princess's handmaidens. he tapped he shoulder and smoothly said, "Do you have a map? I'm getting lost in your eyes."

Alan just rolled his eyes. And then he dropped his jaw, as the girl giggled, told Jake her name was Muriel, and gave him her number.

"Looks like _this_ 'ball of platitudes' just scored some digits." Jake said smugly.

Alan just kept staring. And staring. And did I mentioned that he kept staring? Because he did.

"Uh...I think you broke his brain, Jake." Finn snapped in Alan's ears, trying to get him back to Earth.

"How...did you do that? That was one of the lames lines I've heard!" Alan tried to put his brain back in place.

"It's all in the delivery," Jake said, blowing on his finger like a smoking gun and then pretending to holster it, "Now you try."

_This will all end in tears, I just know it._ thought Alan, as he walked up to the princess.

"Uhm...Hi. Do you know the time?"

"Why yes...I believe it's a quarter past two."

"No, it's time for us to chat."

The princess just looked at him look you would look at a cat chasing a laser pointer. In other words, she thought Alan was endearing, but she couldn't stop herself from laughing. It started as a quiet giggle, but it slowly grow to full laughter as a blushing Alan walked away. On his way back to the Candy Kingdom, he smacked Jake on the head. "Ow!"

* * *

_"Alan? Are you okay?"_ Finn knocked on Alan's door, trying to get an answer.

"Go away." Alan said.

"Dude, it's okay! Plenty of people strike out on their first try," Jake tried to reassure him.

"That's not the problem."

"What is it then, man?" Finn asked.

"I live in a closet made of candy, I have no life, little charisma, I'm a member of a two-person species, I'm half-nuts from living in a tower for a thousand years, and I have no self-confidence. Take your pick."

"...Wow. You're _miserable_," Jake said with a mix of pity and disgust.

"Well, duh. And unless you have a magic potion that can make me self-confident, I don't see things improving.

* * *

_Jake returned with a brightly plumed hat, which he then placed on Alan's head._ Alan looked up at it with one brow raised.

"What in Sam Hill is this?" Alan asked.

"It's a Hat of Confidence! I used it once in high school during a math test that I was sure I would fail."

"Did you pass?"

"No, but I wasn't freaking out."

"That is strangely more comforting than I would have expected. Perhaps it's working!"

"Now let's go bag that Princess!"

"That sounded like the Ice King, and I don't care!" Alan said, enthusiastically strutting out of his closet.

* * *

_The group returned to the meadow, where the Princess and her handmaidens were now reading in the shade of a canopy._

"_Hellooooo_, Nurse Princess!" Alan said, as he walked up to the princess in question.

"Um...Hello again. I'm not Nurse Princess. I am the Dryad Princess. Did you still want to have that chat?" She giggled a little as she said those last few words. Alan looked back at Finn and Jake, paused for a moment, and then gave a thumbs-up, which they returned. Alan went over to talk to her, while Finn and Jake talked among themselves.

"It's working!" Jake said excitedly.

"I know, man...but this seems like it could go badly," Finn said, voicing his concern.

"What do you mean, Finn?"

"Well, who do we know who wears a magic item that makes him act different?"

"Toupée Kyle?"

"Yes. Well, no, but...I'm talkin' 'bout the Ice King."

"Oh, come on. I don't think the hat is gonna mess with him like the Ice King's Crown. It just brings out the charisma he already has."

"Really? I'm not sure I wanna risk it, man..."

"Okay, I'll tell ya what: We'll leave him be with that hat for a week, and if things have gone wrong, we'll take the hat back. Okay?"

"Alright, man."

* * *

_Three days went by after Alan put on that hat._ After those three days, Jake and Finn walked to the Candy Kingdom. Jake was fully expecting everything to be fine, but he was to be disappointed. They knocked on the front door of the castle, expecting to be greeted by a Banana Guard, or possibly Princess Bubblegum herself. Instead, Alan answered the door.

"Finn, Jake! Fellows, please, enter my castle!"

Finn and Jake looked at eachother with their jaws early dragging on the floor as they walked in. As they walked through the Grand Hall, they saw that the normal tapestries had been replaced by large, detailed tapestries of Alan striking dramatic poses.

"As you can see, I've done some redecorating. Those tapestries were nice, but they didn't really say 'Alan', so I had them removed and replaced with these."

"Uh...What did you mean by 'your castle,' Alan?" Finn asked, almost afraid to hear the answer.

"Oh, you weren't told? The Candy Kingdom was placed under my care at Bonnibel's request," Alan explained.

"Bonnibel?" Finn and Jake both were _very_ confused at Alan's use of Princess Bubblegum's first name.

"Oh, yes. Bonnibel seems to have taken a particular liking to me as of late, and I have you to thank!"

"Uh...Please tell me it wasn't the hat..." Jake trailed off, hoping against hope that he wasn't wrong about the hat.

"Ha! Only if you tell me Finn's a girl and Marceline's a sunlight fairy."

Jake shrank back a little. Finn stepped forward and asked, "Where is Princess Bubblegum?"

Alan took the two to a room leading off from the great hall that closely resembled the chambers of a Sultan...including the piles of blushing women. Bubblegum walked up to Alan and asked, much to Finn's surprise, terror, and jealous rage, "Alan, dear, have you brought friends?"

_"Dear?"_ Finn was lost for a moment in his own internal monologue, _Why did she call him "dear?" She never even looked at him, let alone...The hat! I've gotta destroy it!_

Finn reached up to take Alan's plumed cap, but Alan caught his hand and said, "Tsk-tsk! It's very rude to take other people's things!" As he said it, his eyes began to swirl and glow, taking a strange hold over Finn's mind. Finn shook himself away, and stepped back, making sure not to look into Alan's eyes.

"He's got hypno-swirly eyes, Jake!"

No answer.

"Jake?" Finn turned to look a Jake, who stood in a trance, under Alan's charismatic spell.

"You may have control over my friend, but YOU"LL NEVER GET ME!" Finn ran out, flailing his arms like ropes of taffy, knocking over several vases and tables on his way out.

"Well, that was strange. Now, where were we, ladies?"

* * *

_Finn ran all the way out of the kingdom, still flailing, straight to the one person he knew would be callous and anti-social enough to ignore Alan's spell:_ Marceline Abadeer.

"Wait, What? Alan did _what now_?"

"He put on a magic hat that Jake gave him to make himself more competent, er, confident, and now he's got hypnosis powers and has taken control of the Candy Kingdom!"

"A...hat?"

"YES," Finn grimaced.

"Alright, I'll go kick his butt."

* * *

_Marceline and Finn returned to "Alan's Keep."_

Finn wore very dark glasses to protect himself from Alan's gaze. "Alan! I heard you grew a spine!" Marceline shouted, ready for a fight.

A blur sped past, knocking Marceline into the air. She stopped using her levitation, as Alan came to a stop. "I've learned a few tricks, Marceline," Alan crooned in a seductively smooth English accent.

"Since when were you British, Alan?" Marceline asked, diving into a flyby attack, which Alan barely dodged. Finn screamed and charged...in the wrong direction. "Over here, Finn." Alan taunted, jumping over Marceline and landing feet-first on Finn's head. He then flipped backwards, showing grace he _never_ got close to having under normal circumstances. At the end of the flip, he landed on his hands, and fell back into a mule kick which propelled Marceline through the ceiling. Alan then stood, straightened his shirt, and returned to his debauchery.

Marceline flew through a few floors until she came to a stop in Alan's old closet. She got up to get her bearings when she heard a pile of mops squawking.

"Huh? Who's there?"

"Mpf! Mrfufeen! Fuf jrf td m pf!"

Marceline tossed the mops aside to find Alan, who was naked, save for the ropes he was tied in. Marceline removed the rag in his mouth.

"Uh...heh...Hi Marceline...Uh...long story short, the Alan down there is a hypnotic doppelganger that came out of the hat while I was taking a bath, he tackled me, tied me up, and went and hypnotized everybody including all the princesses and the Ice King into loving him. And I...am...naked..." Alan trailed off, realizing exactly how ridiculous he looked and sounded.

"Yes. Yes you are. Where do you keep your clothes?"

"The cupboard under the toilet plungers and pipe snakes."

Marceline went to get Alan some clothes from the cupboard and returned with a T-shirt and a pair of denim shorts.

"Sexy Karate Jesus?" Marceline read the shirt aloud before tearing the ropes around Alan's body.

"Yeah. It was in the kingdom's lost and found." Alan shamelessly got dressed in front of Marceline, much to her surprise.

"Uh, you wanna find another room, or something?" Marceline looked away.

"No time for modesty. Only time for kicking ass." Alan said, not wasting time on long words. He then grabbed a length of hempen rope, tied one end to a water pipe, and climbed slowly down. Marceline the proceeded to grab him by his pants and awkwardly carry him back down to the Grand Hall. The two touched down about twenty feet from the "Alanganger." "Carried! Not like! No bueno!"

"Oh wah. We didn't have the time for climbing, Naked Dan."

"Naked Dan?"

"It was what came up on my playful banter calendar."

"Marceline. I see you've returned. And you've brought a playmate," The Alanganger let Marceline and Alan finish their back and forth before joining the banter.

"Uh...I don't like how you put that..." Alan said awkwardly.

"Oh, I did..." Marceline teased.

"Shut up and eat steel, fools!" Alanganger shouted, pulling out Finn's sword, charging Marceline. She tried to move, but Alanganger was just as fast as she was. Alanganger brought the sword down...to hit a force shield. Alan walked forward, throwing cover fire while he picked up a curtain rod which was dislodged during the previous fight. Alanganger dodged and recovered fast enough to avoid a quick swipe from Marceline. And then the Ice King flew in.

"Oh boss! I picked up those things you wanted! Kinda weird to ask for motor oil and bananas, but what do I know about phrenology?"

"Freeze them, you idiot!"

"Sure, boss!" The Ice King happily obliged, using his free hand to sling and Ice spell at the entirely unprepared Marceline and Alan, who were then frozen in a block of ice up to their necks.

"Do you like that I left their heads unfrozen so you could taunt them, boss?"

Alanganger rubbed his forehead, "Yeah, whatever...go...I don't know...alphabetize my girlfriends or something," Alan pointed to his chambers.

"Well, well, well...It appears as though I get to have a little fun."

Marceline held back a bit of bile, "You're a sick f-"

"Ah-ah! Language, my dear. I'll get to _you_ later, Little Miss Daddy Issues."

"Burn!" Alan said.

"Shut up, you pathetic loser. How does it feel? Being alone? Sitting in a dank tower for longer than you should have ever been alive? Have you yet been consumed by the madness? Or will your prison be more ironic? Watching the world around you change and grow as you are forced to live an eternal half-life alone? It's got to hurt..."

"Shut up." Alan said, his voice full of anger.

"Being the only American? The only one to remember your world? Do you miss your old, monotonous life in the tower? At least it was quiet."

"_Shut UP._" Alan repeated, to no avail.

"But now that you've left the tower, you're forced to be. Forced to _exist_. You can't just lose yourself to the ages, because the people around you will always pull you back to reality. I was in your mind. I saw your ragged, stitched-up excuse for a soul. You were never truly alone until you came into contact with other people. Guess what? The Apocalypse came, and your God is gone. He _left_ you to rot here. And now I will replace you."

Alan finally snapped. This isn't the kind of snap you hear when a rubber band breaks or a tree falls down. This is not the kind of snap you hear before the Titanic capsizes. This is the snap you hear when a single fiber in a rope breaks, that tipping point when ancient mechanisms spring to horrible unlife in order to gorily tear into unlucky looter and grave robbers."Shut. Up."

The block that held Alan and Marceline shattered into shards of glassy ice, many sticking in Alanganger's flesh. Alan then took the curtain rod and starting beating Alanganger with it. "I am not pathetic."

He brought it down hard before Alanganger had time to react, crushing his left shoulder. "I am not weak."

Marceline jumped into Alanganger, slamming him into a huge pillar, crushing his body, the pillar barely able to maintain itself. "He is also not alone."

Jake, the Ice King, and Princess Bubblegum, along with all of the freshly alphabetized girlfriends, broke free from their trances when Alanganger was killed. Alan kept beating the Alanganger, not just out of hatred of this monster who tried to hijack his identity, but also at himself. He cursed himself for letting some two-bit creep-of-the-week get to him. He cursed himself for letting himself be talked into wearing that stupid hat. Finally, he cursed himself for agreeing with almost everything the beast said.

Alan dropped the curtain rod, now broken, as Alanganger faded into nothingness.

"Well, that was therapeutic," Alan snarked.

It was at this moment that Finn woke up, still blinded by his shades. He heard Alan's voice and immediately charged.

"Finn! Wai-"

Whump.

Alan was punched squarely in the chest and knocked on his behind. Finn then removed his shades, and realized Alan was back to himself. Alan rubbed his chest and stood up, "Ow. Man, Finn, you have some punch! I swear my heart stopped for a sec."

"Well, I guess I learned a lesson: Never try to change somebody." Jake said sagely.

Bubblegum walked out into the Grand Hall in what appeared to be a candy bikini. Finn blushed deeply as Princess Bubblegum, rubbing her temples, spoke, "I learned not to trust somebody just because they're charismatic. And that Doppelgangers are pigs."

"Those are good lessons," Alan began, "but they aren't the right ones. It's really 'Beware idiots bearing hats.'" Alan glared at Jake.

Marceline shook her head and said, "Dude, you need a girlfriend."

"Is that an offer?"

Everyone laughed for a while, and then eventually walked away, leaving Alan alone in the Grand Hall.

"No, seriously! Was it?" Alan called after Marceline.


	8. Why Alan Shouldn't Be a Villain

_Finn and Jake were, for some strange reason, fighting outside the tree fort!_ Jake had Princess Bubblegum under his arm and was fending Finn off with his free hand, making sure to keep the Princess out of Finn's reach.

"Muhahahaha! You'll never save the Princess, you fool! Just give up and walk away while you still can!" Jake taunted, clearly having the upper hand. He leaped to the top of the tree fort.

"NEVER!" Finn jumped onto a low-hanging branch and quickly climbed up to Jake, "Unhand her, fiend!"

Alan, roaming the meadow on one of his few days where he wasn't doing something wizard-y, happened upon the scene.

"HYAH!" Finn landed a solid punch on Jake's face, causing him to wobble and lose hold of Bubblegum. Bubblegum screamed, and Alan jumped reflexively forward, catching her on a force shield.

"Polyhedric! The Princess is safe! I win!" Finn jumped down from the tree. Jake streched down to the ground after him.

"No fair! Alan walked in and saved her!"

Finn and Jake argued for a bit while Alan took a moment to talk to Princess Bubblegum.

"What are they arguing about?"

"They were playing a game of Hero and Villain, and you caught me, which is against the rules."

"But you would have gotten hurt!"

"Nah. I was wearing my crash dress!" Bubblegum proceeded to pull a cord on her collar, which caused her dress to puff out like a marshmallow.

"Huh. So what's the "Hero and Villain" thing about?"

Finn and Jake turned to Alan, as Finn started to explain, "It's way fun, dude! One side plays the Heroes, who have to save the Peebles from the Villains."

"It helps us to hone our mad combat 'skillz'," Jake added, "You wanna play?"

"Meh. My day's been pretty boring so far. I'll be the villain."

"Okay," Finn began, "But you have to promise no magic."

Jake handed Alan a paintball gun, "Here. You can use this."

Alan grunted with annoyance, as without his magic, he was only a slightly above-average marksman, "Fine...When do I start?"

"You get till the count of-" Jake stopped for a moment as Alan picked up Princess Bubblegum and ran off, surprising everyone, "-twenty..."

* * *

_Alan ran with the Princess to a nearby road,_ set PB down, and shot her in the leg with the paintball gun, spattering her dress with red paint.

"OW! What the fuzz, Alan!"

"Shut up! Somebody's coming!" Alan flagged down a passing motorcyclist. He pulled over to see what was wrong.

"Oh my GROD!" the biker exclaimed, seeing what looked like a very bloodied Princess Bubblegum, "Is there anything I can do to help you guys?"

Alan took out his previously concealed paintball gun (which looked disturbingly like a real gun,) and said, "You can give me yer hog."

Alan and the now-captive Bubblegum drove full tilt to the west, stopping at an inn to steal some clothes. They went in as Alan Sanders and Bonnibel Bubblegum, and left as Amos and Bobbie Thursden.

The two briefly stopped in a grimy old pub for a bite to eat. The name of the establishment was "The Plump Possum," _Obviously_ this must have been an eatery of the highest caliber, from its elite stuffed bear to its oh-so-classy bull horns. A plump but cheerful waitress walked up to them to take their order, but stopped when she noticed PB's complexion...mostly that said complexion was made of bubblegum. "Well, hey there! Welcome to the Plump Possum! May ah take yer order?"

"Yes, ma'am you may. I'll have a cheeseburger and Bobbie here'll have some soup."

"Ah notussed your lady friend here is from the Candy Kingdom...we don' get many from there 'round these parts."

"Yep, well, her daddy was beatin' her, so ah convinced her to run off to the Mount'n Kingd'm with me for t'elope."

"Well, ain't that sweet."

Alan nudged Bubblegum with the barrel of his paintball gun.

"Yes...We are...very much in love." Bubblegum said, hugging Alan and forcing a smile. _I think Alan's getting a little carried away..._

* * *

_Back at the Tree Fort, Finn and Jake were doing their best to track Alan._ Jake was sniffing the air, trying to catch Alan's scent. "That way! toward the highway!"

The two made their way to the highway, where they found the bike-less biker sitting on the ground. "It's gone...It's gone..." was all he could say.

"Hey, biker guy? Have you seen a skinny wizard in a green suit and a pink princess go by?"

The biker pointed west, down the road, maintaining his repetition.

"Thanks, bro." Finn thanked the fetal-position biker, "We will find you, Alanicus the Cruel, and we _will stop you_."

"Alanicus the Cruel?" Jake had one eyebrow raised.

"Yeah. That's his Villain name, like you were Jakus Meanicus."

"What? No I wasn't!" Jake said, before whistling for Lady Rainicorn.

"Yeah you were. I just didn't tell ya."

"Man, you're nuts," Jake said as they both climbed onto Lady Rainicorn.

* * *

_"Where are we going?"_ Princess Bubblegum demanded, her behind becoming sore from riding the motorcycle for hours on end. The sun was beginning to set as Alan and his hostage came upon Marceline's house. "What are we doing at Marceline's?"

"Oh, can it."

"You know, just because you're the villain doesn't mean you have to be rude..."

Alan knocked on Marceline's door, and after a few moments, a groggy Marceline answered the door in her pajamas.

"Marceline, I need your help."

"I just woke up," Marceline yawned, "Can't this wait?"

"I kidnapped Princess Bubblegum, shot her in the leg, stole a motorcycle and some clothes, masqueraded as a redneck, and ate a crappy cheeseburger."

"You...I...Wha?" Marceline was struggling to get what she heard straight, "Okay, gimme the Cliff Notes."

"Me. Steal Princess, clothes, eat nasty sandwich, Finn and Jake chase."

"I said short, not caveman. Now, why in the Nightosphere would _you_ kidnap _Bubblegum_?"

"We're playing Heroes and Villains," Bubblegum explained.

"Uh-huh. Alright, lemme grab breakfast, and I'll get dressed. Why do you need my help, though, Mr. Wizard?"

"Every great villain needs a sexy female lieutenant and a physically powerful lieutenant. I thought I'd kill two bunnies with one laser."

"...Kill two what now?"

"Nevermind. Just go get dressed."

* * *

_Finn and Jake flew over the highway on Lady Rainicorn, following Alan's scent._ They lost the trail at a nearby pub called the Plump Possum. "Got anything?" Finn asked, as Jake sniffed the air.

"I got a lotta grease, but I can't smell Alan..."

"Well, howdy there, fellas! I can see you're outta-towners! What can I getcha?"

"Uh..."Finn thought for a moment.

"Well, ma'am, We're lookin' fer some varmints what robbed a bank in the Candy Kingdom. One's a pale stretched out beanpole, the other's made outta bubblegum."

"Bank robbers! Well, I never! They went west toward that there mountain," The waitress pointed toward Marceline's mountain cave.

* * *

_Marceline flew alongside Alan as he rode down the road toward the Ice Kingdom._ "Why are we going to the Ice Kingdom?"

"More defensible, better vantage point, and it's really, really cool."

Bubblegum and Marceline rolled their eyes.

"No pun intended."

The motorcycle finally ran out of fuel at the foot of the Ice King's mountain palace. "Ice King! Get down here, you lily-livered ephebophile!"

The Ice King floated down to Alan. "Ephebowhat?"

Alan facepalmed before explaining, "It means you like teenage girls."

"Oh. What's up, Alan?" The Ice King said. He paused for a moment, and then he noticed Princess Bubblegum, "Ooh! Princess Bubblegum! I'm so glad you could drop by! I have some stew cooking in the kitchen, I can set another place at the table!"

Alan then pulled out the paintball gun.

"Whoah, man! I don't want any trouble! Ya want some gems? Gold? Princesses? I can get them! Just don't shoot me!"

"Ugh. No. You work for me from here on in. Got it?"

"Wait...I'm a powerful Ice Mage! I don't need to be scared of a gun!"

"You should be scared of me, though." Marceline lifted the Ice King off of his feet by his beard.

"Okay! Okay! Please...just let go of my beard..."

* * *

_"The Ice King's Fortress. Taken over by Alanicus the Vile and his lieutenant."_ Finn intoned dramatically as they approached the Ice Kingdom. "Who knows what dark terrors await us..."

"Uh...Dude? It's just a game. They've probably forgotten they were playing. For all we know, they could be watching Stargate or some nerdy thing like that."

"No. He is plotting. I can feel it." Finn was wearing what was possibly the most inappropriately dramatic face in his history.

* * *

_Alan, Marceline, and the Ice King were gathered around a table._ Bubblegum was there, too, but she was bound to a chair, much to Marceline's amusement and the Ice King's confusion. "Uh...Why is Princess Bubblegum tied up?"

"We don't want her to get away. She's our bargaining chip."

"Bargaining chip?" Marceline raised her eyebrow.

"Yes," Alan began to explain his master plan, "with Princess Bubblegum in my grasp, Finn will have to yield to my demands; namely, I want his blood."

"Finn's blood?" The Ice King repeated, "You don't mean..."

"Yes, Blood Magic," Alan continued, "With sufficient Human blood, I can use ancient Faerie magic to amplify my powers beyond Billy, the Lich, or possibly even God himself!" Alan cackled, delivering that last line with as much ham as possible.

_Okay, I **really** hope he's just_ _acting,_ Bubblegum thought to herself.

A penguin walked in, "Quacka-quacky-quaquaquak!"

"What is he saying, Ice King?" Marceline demanded.

"He says that three intruders were spotted within the fortress!"

* * *

_Finn, Jake, and Lady Rainicorn stood outside the Ice Fortress, planning their assault._ "Alright, Lady Rainicorn will phase us through the outer walls, letting us get in undetected, and then Jake will expand and crack the ice straight through to Alanicus's inner sanctum. Finally, I'll bust through the cracked ice, save Princess Bubblegum, and win the game."

"But what if things get messy?" Jake worried, knowing all too well how carried away Finn can get.

"Easy. We call in Toupée Kyle."

"Huh."

"자,이 일을!" Rainicorn cried as she carried the two through the outer walls.

* * *

_Right as Alan was about to speak, the entire fortress shook as the ice walls began to crack._

"My walls!" whined the Ice King.

"Oh, stop whining and get fighting, Ice Nerd," Alan shouted, grabbing the Princess's chair and rolling it down a corridor.

"HYAH!" Finn screamed, making quick work of the cracked ice. He then leaped out of the hole he had made in the floor and hit the Ice King in the face repeatedly, "What! Have you! Done! With! Princess! BUBBLEGUUUM!"

"I'll never tell, do-gooder!" The Ice King managed to squirm out of Finn's swinging fists, and summoned a trio of Ice Elementals, "Beings of Ice, heed your King's call! Smite these FOOLS!"

Marceline then moved in and made several quick strikes at Jake, most of which never landed as Jake twisted and contorted to evade them.

"I think things are getting too crazy! PLAN B, MAN!"

Finn then jumped away from the Ice Elementals toward a window, where he stuck his head out and hawk-called into the distance. It was but moments later that a tall, attractive, orange-skinned gentleman with long, flowing locks of auburn hair teleported into the middle of the fight...along with Lemongrab?

"Its...TOOOOOUUUUPÉEEEEEE KYYYYLLLLE!" He shouted hammishly, "And his sidekick, LEEEEEMOOOONGRAAAAAB!"

"Argh! You said I was your partner!" Lemongrab whined, his voice cracking.

"No time for semantics, dear friend! We must FIGHT!"

Kyle drew a glaive and proceeded to swirl it about rapidly before striking an Ice Elemental. It recovered quickly, but Finn was already on it with his sword. Lemongrab drew his blade (which looked to be made of either a golden metal, or lemon candy,) and screamed as he charged Marceline. He was far beneath Marceline as far as power, but he was distracting enough for Jake to untwist himself and land a solid sucker punch to Marceline's exposed face.

Alan returned to the main room to see a pitched battle occurring...without him! He drew his paintball gun, but realized he was out of ammo. So he just broke the rules and started flinging bolts of magic. Finn saw one coming his way and turned his attention to deflecting it. He stopped the blast with his sword, but this break in Finn's concentration allowed an Ice Elemental to come up and grab Finn, putting him in a nelson. "Kyle!"

"On my way, fellow adventurer!" Kyle shouted, pole vaulting over the other two elementals, which he was holding at bay with his Glaive of Swiftness. He landed by impaling the Ice Elemental from the top of its head straight to the ground. Finn picked his sword back up and charged the other two Ice Elementals with a Xena Screech.

Jake, now that he had gotten help from Lemongrab, (who Marceline casually threw at the wall), Jake was playing the offensive, making strike after strike. As far as speed, Marceline was light-years ahead of Jake, but she had never cultivated the same level of endurance or flexibility. She blocked almost every attack, but she eventually tired, as Jake continued to pound Marceline. Jake finally took his chance and expanded to many times his size, flinging Marceline across the room.

Lemongrab stood up and shook off the effects of getting casually thrown at a wall, and charged at the nearest foe he could find: Alan. He was furious, swinging blow after blow, as Alan threw up shields to meet them. When the blade landed on a shield, it often crushed them. _Come on, Alan!_ Alan thought to himself, _You need to_ _**focus**!_

Alan retreated a few steps, trying to regain his composure, and then shouted, "_Cosa Tapa_!" He suddenly became light as air, able to simply evade most of the mad Earl's attacks. He feinted, allowing Lemongrab to come close, before tripping him and stepping on his sword arm, forcing him to drop his weapon. Alan tried to take it, but it was too heavy for him to wield in battle, so he left it. He then ran out of the room.

Kyle and Finn were making quick work of the Ice Elementals, while Jake and Marceline were locked in a stalemate. Marceline was slowly wearing down, and Jake nearly had the upper hand, when the Ice King, no longer forced to maintain the spell that called forth the Ice Elementals, threw bolts of ice, often with terrible aim that caused him to freeze nearly everything in the room _but_ the enemy. However, despite his terrible aim, he did manage to knock off Kyle's Magic Hairpiece, tuning him back into a toad. "Well, this is a little...awkward..."

Alan returned, with the Princess tied up in her chair next to him. He was holding a ball of magic up to her face menacingly. "Alright, I've had ABOUT ENOUGH OF THIS!" He shouted, getting everyone's attention. "Finn! You will submit and come with me, or the Princess DIES!" He threatened, hamming it up as best he could.

"You _wouldn't_!" Jake shouted, "You're too much of a wiener!"

Alan focused the ball of energy, causing it to whir and buzz.

"...Fine, you-" Finn was interrupted by Alan howling in pain as Princess Bubblegum kicked him in the groin.

"That was for being such a jerk!"

"Thanks, PB. It's CLOBBERIN' TIME!" Finn shouted, lunging at Alan.

As it turned out, the loud, violent fighting worsened the cracking in the walls of the mountain fortress, to the point that if, say, a 14-year-old boy jumped from a distance of about five feet away onto Alan, it could, hypothetically, destabilize the entire structure as it rolled down the hill. Which is exactly what happened. As the fortress degenerated into a ball of angry snow, everyone was forced together and took advantage of the close quarter to beat the ever-loving snot out of each other. Finn punched Alan, Jake punched the Ice King, Marceline punched Lemongrab, Lemongrab punched Finn(?) Alan punched Princess Bubblegum, and pretty much everyone just blindly punched somebody. When the snowball finally crashed, Alan and Finn were locked in combat. "You! Promised! No! MAGIC!" Finn screamed, bringing his sword down on Alan's force shields. "I'm a villain! VILLAINS CHEAT!" Alan hammed it up yet again.

"Dude's got a point," Jake said, while he kicked the Ice King in the beard repeatedly, "You were a HORRIBLE HUSBAND!" Jake was not above the hamminess.

Finn wore away at Alan's defenses, as Alan drew Finn in. Alan then shouted, "_Geimhle Iarann_!" chaining Finn to the ground, He took a particularly sharp shard of ice and held it to Finn's throat. "I win!"

Everyone stopped fighting for a moment.

"Win?" Lemongrab and the Ice King said, both being unaware that this was a game.

"Yep. I beat the Heroes. I win."

"Nuh-uh! You cheated and used magic!" Jake argued.

"Who _cares_?" Marceline got up and brushed off the snow.

"I do! Ya gotta follow the rules, man!"

"Just admit he won so we can go home!" Bubblegum irked.

"...Fine...You win," Jake grunted.

"This was fun! Wanna go again?"

Everyone just stopped for a moment and looked at each other.

"NO!"

Everybody then went home. Kyle found his Toupée, Alan stopped by the Inn to return the stolen clothes to two poor, naked tourists, and the Ice King set about rebuilding his home.

* * *

_"So where did you get all that 'Faerie Blood Magic' junk?"_ Bubblegum asked as she and Alan returned to the Candy Kingdom.

"Oh, that's a real thing!"

Bubblegum stopped and stared at Alan for a moment.

"Oh, come on. You know I'm the not evil kind of crazy you'd need to be for that! I'm fun-crazy!"

The two returned to the Candy Castle and went to their respective beds, but Bubblegum had a hard time getting to sleep.


	9. The Great Naval Battle

_[Author's Note: For the sake of making things easier on me, this fic is effectively only in continuity with everything up to and including "In Your Footsteps". I just thought I should tell you that before things get confusing.]_

_Finn and Jake were fighting a group of Lemur Knights, who were holding Lumpy Space Princess hostage._ "You will never save her, foolish human!" the lead Lemur chattered, "We _will_ have our ransom from the Lumpy Space King!"

"Oh _yeah_?" Jake shouted, stretching himself to ten times his normal height, "Ransom this!"

"Oh, my Grod, guys! Quit foolin' around and, like, save me!" LSP shouted from her cage.

Finn charged a few of the Lemurs while Jake wrapped himself around a Lemur and threw him like a wad of paper from a rubber band. Finn was slashing with his sword, shattering the blades and shields of the Lemurs. The remaining conscious Lemur Knights turned and ran, shouting, "Moishe! Moishe!"

Finn laughhed at what he thought was funny talk and walked toward LSP's cage. Then a rhythmic pounding not unlike that of _Jurassic Park_, (But Finn wouldn't have gotten the reference, mind, because it was more than a little before his time.) "Oy! Get away from the cage, ye _ferkakta_ kid!" shouted a large, orange man in a leisure suit. He appeared to have a large roll of paper lodged in his mouth where his teeth should have been.

"Aw, shoot! it's a mathin' Golem!" Jake shouted.

Finn had no idea what Jake was talking about, so he lunged at the Golem, whose name was Moishe. (_Moy_-shuh, for those unfamiliar with Jewish names). He brought his sword down on the Golem's head, where it left a dent. Moishe stuck his thumb in his mouth and inflated the ding back out. He swatted Finn away fairly effortlessly, while complaining, "These _mishugina_ kids got no respect anymore."

Jake occupied Moishe while Finn took the magic hand mirror out of his bag. "Alan!" Finn shouted into the mirror, "We need some help, man!"

Jake got tossed into Finn, knocking the mirror out of his hand. "Yes?" Alan answered cheerfully.

Jake picked up the mirror, evading a log that went sailing past his magically flattened head. "We're fightin' a Golem! How do we beat it?"

"Oh, that's easy, dude!" Alan chirped, "Just pull the scroll out of his mouth!"

"Didja hear that, Finn?"

"Already on it!" Finn cried, sheathing his sword and dashing toward Moishe. When the Golem tried to swipe at Finn, he took the opportunity to jump onto his arm and run up to his shoulder. Before Moishe could pull Finn away, he yanked out the scroll. The Golem quickly disintegrated into a pile of wet clay.

"Thanks, Finn!" Lumpy Space Princess gave Finn a hug as she left the cage the Lemurs held her in.

"Man, Alan was freaky happy..." Jake said.

* * *

_Alan whistled gaily into Finn and Jake's front yard._ "Hey guys! Can I come in?"

"Yeah, sure. Just take off your shoes. Jake just cleaned the flooors." Finn answered.

Alan removed his shoes at the entryway and then walked up to the living room. He would normally sat down on the sofa, but he was too excited to sit.

"What's up with you, man? You look even more wired than usual!" Jake noted, stowing his apron in the chest of drawers he slept in.

"Big news! I think I might be in love!"

Jake and Finn stood and looked at him rather nonchalantly.

"Hey. This is big for me. Don't harsh my buzz" Alan frowned.

"Okay, I'll humor you. Tell us, who is it. My heart beats for the answer." Jake said flatly.

"Yeah, who is it, man?"

"I'll give you a hint: She's-"

"Is it Marceline?" Finn interrupted.

"That obvious?" Alan asked.

"Kinda, yeah." Jake said, washing his hands.

"Alright, but I'd like you to not say anything. I wanna tell her myself," Alan said.

"No worries, man. I'm good with promises!" Finn said. Jake turned to look at him for a moment, his mouth open to say something. He decided it wasn't worth saying. Instead, he shook his head and said, "Okay, what _do_ you want us to do?"

"Nothing, I just felt I had to tell somebody! You know how keeping a secret is, is like holding in a sneeze: you could break a rib!"

Thus began Finn and Jake's enormous temptation to open their big yaps.

* * *

_Finn and Jake were taking turns playing fetch outside the Candy Castle_. Finn leaped to catch the ball and inadvertently jumped backwards into Starchy. "Oof! Careful there, Finn!"

"Oh, sorry Starchy." Finn apologized to Starchy, helping him to his feet.

"Oh, it's alright. I'm just wondering why that wizard who lives in the closet is so cheerful!"

"Uh..." Finn started to sweat a bit.

"Finn..." Jake warned.

"Well, you know how when you read a story, and two characters get paired up?" Finn tread lightly.

"Oh, like you and Princess Bubblegum?" Starchy answered.

"Yes. No, I-uh..." Finn blushed profusely.

"Oh, no use denying it, kiddo. Everyone knows you want to pull that taffy, _nudge nudge,_" Starchy euphemized.

"Pull what, now?" Peppermint Butler, on a rare break, asked.

"Oh, I'm just talkin' about Finn and Princess Bubblegum." Starchy answered.

"You mean, 'Finn and Marceline.'" Peppermint corrected.

"No, I meant 'Finn and Princess Bubblegum!'" Starchy replied tersely. Finn and Jake took advantage of the argument to slowly back away.

* * *

_After a few hours of arguing, Starchy and Pepbuts took their argument to the Candy Guardians, ultimate arbiters of sugary justice_. "Oh, mighty Guardians! We seek knowledge!" Starchy and Peppermint Butler said, kneeling in unison.

"**What is it that thou seekest, young ones?**" one of the guards asked.

"Who is Finn's True Love?" Starchy asked.

"**It is Princess Bubblegum.**" The first Guardian answered.

"**What about the Fire Princess? Those two had some real chemistry...**" a second Guardian added.

"**NO! Only Finn/Bubblegum can happen!**"

"**I dunno, he looked pretty good with Marceline...**" a third Guardian said.

"**You guys are all idiots! It's totally gonna be Finn/Jake!**"

Everyone stopped and stared at Guardian Number 4 for a moment.

"**What?**" was the only response the other Guardians could muster.

* * *

_The Guardians kept arguing for a while, while Alan paced outside his own closet. _He would have paced inside it, but there wasn't enough room. _How do I tell her?_ he wondered, _And what if she doesn't reciprocate?_

"Hey Alan," a Banana Guard said, "What is wrong?" he asked as woodenly as possible.

"Uh, nothing."

"It is okay, you can tell me. I am a Banana Guard."

"Richard! There's fighting in the streets!" another Banana Guard ran in. He was trying to gather the whole Guard.

"What is happening?"

"The Candy Guardians disagreed on who the Human Finn's true love is, and the argument spilled out into the city!"

"What is there to disagree about? Finn/Princess Bubblegum. Pretty obvious."

"What! No! It's supposed to be Finn/Lumpy Space Princess!"

"I will have your head for that, heretic." the first Banana Guard droned.

Alan took advantage of the argument to back away and then break into a run down the hall. He reached a window, where he whistled for Lady Rainicorn.

"무엇 Alan 일인가?" Rainicorn asked, seeing the confusion below.

"Based on your tone of voice, I can only assume that the answer to your question is 'loony people'. Let's ride! To the Mountain Kingdom!"

* * *

_Alan and Lady Rainicorn flew to Princess Bubblegum's bedroom window to pick her up before flying to the safety of the Mountain Kingdom._ "What the math is going on!"

"Oi, language, young lady." Alan snarkily admonished

"I think it's pretty much warranted here." Bubblegum frowned, not noting the humor in Alan's voice.

"Okay, short version: _Avatar: The Last Airbender_ all over again."

"Whuh?" Alan's archaic pop culture flew over Bubblegum's head.

"_**SHIPPING**_ **WARS!**" Alan shouted to clarify.

"What?"

"Starchy was all 'Finn*Bubblegum', but then Peppbuts was like 'no way, man! Finn*Marceline!' and the Candy Guardians tried to settle it, (I really don't think they're very good at their jobs,) but _they_ couldn't agree either, and now Finn is getting shipped with everyone from you to Jake, and it's getting worse because people have started fighting about their ships and non-Finn ships have started popping up like Lemongrab/Gumball! GUMBALL! _He wasn't even in our **reality**_ for more than a day! And the two never even _met_!" Alan spat out in one long, drawn-out, breathless sentence.

"_That's what this is about?_" Bubblegum shouted.

"I know, right!"

"That's insane! It's totally got to be Jake/Lemongrab!"

Alan's jaw dropped as he actually considered jumping off of Lady Rainicorn's back to escape the shipping.

"I'm kidding! I'm just kidding!" Bubblegum said, as Alan began to scoot off of Rainicorn's back. Mind you, they were at a height where jumping would have _killed_ him. "Why are we headed to the Mountain Kingdom?"

"Would you rather be headed to the Ice Kingdom?"

"It's Marceline, isn't it." Bubblegum said, so certain she didn't even use the customary rhetorical question mark,

"Gawd, it's not even subtext. It's just text at this point."

"비록 난 알고 있었어." Rainicorn interjected.

"...Just don't tell anyone. I don't want to make this shipping thing any worse...New guys always take so much crap, it's crazy."

"No worries, Alan. Just don't tell Finn. He's terrible with secrets."

Alan then made a face that was of a distinctly "no me gusta" persuasion.

* * *

_Alan hopped off of Lady Rainicorn's back before waving her and Princess Bubblegum off to the halls of the Mountain King._ He hiked a brief way before he neared Marceline's cave. Marceline silently crept up behind him before whispering, "_Boo._"

Alan spun around, punched Marceline, and jumped back several feet into a hard, metal object in one strange, twisting jerk. "Holy _Fuck_!" he cursed. He then realized it was Marceline, which probably made his already pounding heart thump even more. He then turned around and saw that the metal thing he jumped back into was a nuclear weapon. "**_AH!_**" he panicked, realizing the incredibly dangerous object before him. He ran around for a moment and then fainted.

He woke up a few minutes later, draped over Marceline's shoulders like a freshly killed caribou. "Hey! Carried! Suki janai!" Marceline stopped and set Alan down, now that he was awake. "Are you alright, man?"

"Well, you nearly gave me a heart attack and I was standing within inches of a nuke. Am I alright?"

"Yeah, I heard your heart. I must have gotten you good, 'cuz it's _still_ racing,"

"Uh-huh...Yeh...Still surprised..." Alan blushed a little.

"So what brings you to the Mountain Kingdom _this_ time?"

"Well, I just wanted to ask you something..."

"I mean, you show up at my door so often, I'm beginning to think you have a crush on me."

"Well, uh..."

"So what was it?"

"Uh..." Alan stumbled, _Don't chicken out, moron!_

"...Would you be interested in...uh..." he continued.

"Yeeeeeeeeeeeees?"

"...um...teaching me how to fight?" Alan finished awkwardly. _Spineless coward._

"Oh, that's it? Sure. I was afraid you might not finish that sentence."

_Me, too,_ Alan thought, _Me too._

* * *

_Back at the Candy Kingdom, what little order had once existed was gone._ Finn, Jake, and the few non-shipping Banana Guards did their best to return the rule of law, but the fighting had gotten too intense. They were hiding in a (literal) sugar shack. "Man, this is ridiculous."

Finn and the Guards nodded in agreement.

"I mean, what could anybody _possibly_ do with all of this sugar!" he motioned to the large heaps of sugar in the shack.

"Jake, bro, we gotta focus. How do we stop these guys?"

"Well, when my coosin Kyle watched too much _All My Sucrose_ and started freaking aboot who went with who, we told him why his favrite ship cooldn't work." one of the Guards said.

"Yeah! That's it!" Finn lit up, as his crazy little mind formulated a plan, "Okay, we take these grappling hooks..."

"I still don't know why Princess Bubblegum had us put those there..." another Guard trailed off.

"...and use them to swing across the Kingdom, shouting out what's wrong with every ship we see! Foolproof!"

"Uh..." Jake noted, "...If you say it's foolproof, it'll probably fail."

"But now that you said it'll fail, it won't!" Finn "reasoned."

"But now it _will_!" a Guard pointed out.

This went on for a moment before Finn shook his head and told everyone to jump into action.

* * *

_Finn swung across the Market District on a grappling hook._ Below, a cluster of Finnceline-ists battled a team of LemonFinns.

"Lemongrab is a jerk and Marceline is just my friend!" Finn cried, moving quickly to the next group.

Jake saw a gang of Finnicorns clashing with a cadre of IceFinns.

"I'm dating Lady Rainicorn and the Ice King's a nerd! And Finn doesn't like guuuuuuuys!" Jake trailed off as he moved to the next area.

After a few hours of sinking ships such as Starcheline, Ashicorn, IceJake and FireSnail, the team met at the cennter of town to battle with that biggest, most powerful ship in the Kingdom, an powerful, ironclad freighter known only as Fubblegum.

* * *

_Alan held a quarterstaff in his hands, as he desperately tried to block Marceline's attacks._ "Come on, Alan! You have to focus!"

"I am!" Alan replied, in the only element where he ever felt sure of himself: a fight.

"Focus _harder_!" Marceline said, landing a solid blow to Alan's chest. He fell back, panting as his heart raced. He stood up and loosed a flurry of attacks, none of them actually landing.

"You call that an attack?" Marceline mocked.

"No, I call it a feint," Alan grunted before trying to trip Marceline. It would have worked if not for her levitation.

"Whew! Dirty fighting! Never would have figured a goody-goody like you for that." Marceline struck Alan's staff, with a resounding "WHACK".

"I may seem nice," Alan said, making a few quick strikes to no avail, "but deep down, I'm one cruel mather."

"Heh. You should meet my dad," Marceline tripped Alan.

"Oh, I'm sure he's not so bad," Alan grunted as he tried to avoid Marceline's attacks. He was starting to catch hold of the rhythm of things.

"Dude, he's the king of the Nightosphere," Marceline twirled her staff.

"The where, now?" Alan stood up and readied his staff.

"Hell," Marceline explained, striking low.

"Oh," Alan said awkwardly, as he jumped to avoid Marceline's strike. He then yelled "_Iarann foirne!_" as he brought down the staff on Marceline's. His staff shone a dull silvery color for a moment when the spell came into effect, becoming hard as iron. It snapped Marceline's staff like a twig.

"Huh. Using magic to make yourself more effective in a fight. Clever."

"You wanna go out sometime?" Alan dropped out of the blue.

"Huh?"

"Yes or no. Quickly, before the adrenaline wears off and I lose my nerve."

"I, uh, well..."

"I'm not a kid. If you don't want to, I can take it."

Marceline pondered it for a moment, "What were you thinking of?"

"Well, I found a copy of _The Avengers_ and an old projector."

"Oh, a movie? Yeah, I can do that."

"Wonderful. Now, If you will excuse me, I have to pass-" Alan passed out.

* * *

_When last we left our A-Plot heroes, they were looking down the barrel of the mighty ship Fubblegum._ Finn stood before a legion of people who thought he should be with Princess Bubblegum. "C'mon, Finn! Sink this ship so we can go home!" Jake shouted.

Finn faltered, not sure what to do. If he sank this ship, it could mean that he might never end up with Princess Bubblegum. If he didn't sink it, the ship-to-ship fighting could tear the Candy Kingdom apart. The ever-present battle between romantic love and love for the community.

"Finn?" Jake called out, "Are you okay, man?"

Starchy stepped to the front of the crowd. "Don't do it, Finn. We know you love Bubblegum, and with us behind you, it's destined to happen! You'll have your true love, and we will be happy! Win-win!"

"Finn! Don't listen! You can't force love! It just happens! Their promises are all empty lies, like the Tooth Fairy, or the Nice King!"

Finn stood, trapped in a moral conundrum.

At that very moment, Marceline flew overhead with Alan in tow. He was hanging by his pants from a rope in Marceline's hand, looking very indignant. "Bubblegum can't fall in love with Finn, because she's in love with ME!" Marceline shouted.

Everyone looked up at Marceline for a moment, then Starchy turned and asked, "Wait! What kind of evidence is there for that?"

"It's true," Alan deadpanned, barely maintaining his poker face, "Marceline and Bubblegum are _way_ into each other."

Everyone stared at them for a moment, before shrugging and walking off. Marceline slowly lowered herself down before letting go of Alan's pant rope. "That was genius!" Jake said, walking up to Marceline, "Making up a story about you and Bubblegum! Absolute mathin' genius!"

"Yeah, made up." Marceline intentionally left some ambiguity in her tone. She took her celll phone out and dialed a number. "Hello, is the the Hall of the Mountain King? Yes, I'll hold."

They all stood there rather awkwardly for a moment.

"Yes? Hello, I'm just calling to say the shippers are gone, and it's safe for Princess Bubblegum to come back."

After a short while, Bubblegum and Lady Rainicorn returned, and everyone went their separate ways. Finn and Jake went home, Princess Bubblegum went to direct the repair efforts and tear new ones for the Guards that let themselves get caught up in the shipping mania, and Alan and Marceline returned to Marceline's house to watch _The Avengers_. "Hey, do you think it's time for me to get a new place?" Alan pondered aloud.

"It was time for that six chapters ago, man." Marceline replied.

"Six what now?"


	10. Also, He Found A Bear!

_[It should be noted that while I _am_ shipping an OC with a recurring character, I'll probably get bored and end it. If I don't I'll try not to let it get to egregious.]_

_Finn and Jake were playing Frisbee® (Not my trademark, by the way) under their tree fort._ "Go long, man!" Finn said, throwing the disc. Jake stretched his body back to catch the powerful throw, using the momentum to return it many times faster.

"Look out, dude!" Jake warned of the speeding saucer. Finn jumped up and caught it. The sheer speed of it launched him back into the tree, at which point, an agonizingly loud crack was heard.

"Oh my GOB! Finn! Are you alright?" Jake ran to Finn.

Finn stood up, wobbled, and then grinned his silly "That was AWESOME!" grin.

"Oh. Okay, well, what cracked?"

"_OWW!_" Alan's voice could be heard from the Candy Kingdom. A few shards of glass fell out of Finn's backpack.

"Alan's mirror!" Finn and Jake both figured it out pretty quickly.

"Alright, let's go check on Alan."

* * *

_Alan stumbled out of bed after a late night watching movies with Marceline._ He would have happily slept until noon, but a "shattering" headache woke him. "_OWW._" He shouted dully. He fell out of bed, stumbled over to his nightstand, and turned on his lamp. He grabbed his mirror and grunted, "Finn?"

No answer.

"They broke it. They broke a centuries-old magical artifact. Brilliant." Alan said sarcastically, getting a gray T-shirt and blue-jeans. He stumbled down to a shower in his pajamas, cleaned up, shaved his meager stubble, brushed his teeth, and got dressed. He walked down to the main hall, where a high-society brunch was being held by Princess Bubblegum. "Good morning, Alan! If you'd like to dress up, you are free to join us!" PB called across the Hall. That was Politalk for "Get your butt in a suit and get over here. I need something to brag about, and Finn's not here.

"Alright." Alan mumbled as he walked back up to his closet. He returned in his favorite suit, the green one with a gold Celtic pattern embroidered on the cuffs. "Okily dokily, what is the topic of discussion?" He sat down at the table with Bubblegum, Wildberry Princess, Turtle Princess, the Dryad Princess from the "Hat Incident" and a tall, muscular man with gray skin. He had a carefully trimmed bottle-green beard and mustache, and he wore regal blue robes. He was Aldous, the Mountain King. "Greetings, young man. Young Bonnibel tells me you are one of the last humans on Earth!"

"Yep, and I can still barely get a date." Alan snarked.

"Alan!" Bubblegum admonished.

"Worry not, child. I like his sense of humor!" Aldous laughed for a moment, "So, where has your family been hiding since the war?"

"They didn't, that I know of. I was born in '94."

"As in 1994? I don't believe it! You don't look a day over 20!"

"Boy, do I feel it." Alan joked.

This was met with raucous laughter by the Mountain King, "Oh, Princess, why did you not introduce us before?"

"I was busy with a girl." Alan half-lied.

"Oh? An old fart in love?"

"Hyeh. Somethin' like that."

The princesses all went "Ooh!"

The conversation went on for a while, as Alan pretty much served as Bubblegum's political Ken doll. She bragged about what she said was his magical prowess (She compared him to Merlin, Alan felt his powers were more in line with Criss Angel), his ancient knowledge (he memorized the lyrics of every ELO song and could do a passable Monty Python), and his iron will (more like bronze in most cases). Alan eventually got up and left, with the excuse that he heard Finn and Jake, which was conveniently true. He walked to the window and called out, "Get me the math outta here, guys!"

"Are you alright, dude?" Jake asked.

"Yes, now please, get me the heck out of here! I'm sick of being Peabody's posable Alan Action Figure!"

"Peabody?" Finn was confused.

"Bubblegum!"

"Alright, hold on," Jake said as he formed into a slide from the window to the ground.

"Okay, now that I've escaped, what adventure can we go on?"

"Uh...We actually were gonna take it easy today, what with all the shipping craziness yesterday," Jake said, morphing back to his normal form.

"Huh. Okay, I guess I'll have to find my _own_ excuse to avoid Bubblegum's frenemies, and Aldous. Aldous is actually pretty cool," Alan was talking to himself again.

Finn and Jake shrugged and walked back to the Tree Fort. Alan wandered off toward the town gates, before he stopped and turned to Finn and Jake. "Hey guys! Anybody lose anything?"

Finn stopped and stroked his chin in thought. "Well, I lost my favorite slingshot."

Jake pointed to Finn's behind. "Nah, it's in your back pocket."

"Oh, haha. Oops," Finn chuckled, "Well, I guess nothing's lost."

"Come on, there must be _something_ that _somebody_ misplaced, or had stolen, or _something!_ If I have to listen to one more of Wildberry Princess's God-awful poems, I swear, _I will go Morgan Le Fay on **everybody** up in here._"

"Morgan Le Fay?" Finn and Jake both missed the reference.

"Nasty lady from old British legend. Liked to kill things." Alan explained laconically.

"Oh," Finn said. He thought for a moment, and another moment, and another, his face blanking out into an expression which looked more and more like an absence seizure. "I got it!" Finn called out.

"Good, I was about to call a doctor," Alan said, "absence seizures are a serious medical problem!"

"You can go look for Hambo!" Finn said.

"Hambo?" Alan was confused.

"Yeah! Marceline's old teddy bear! Her jerk ex-boyfriend Ash sold it to a witch!"

"Ash? You mean that idiot with the cherry blossom wand?" Alan asked.

"Yeah! You've met him?" Jake asked in response.

"Yep. Won this off him in a duel," Alan said, holding up the wand in question, "The numbskull couldn't tell divination from necromancy. So where is this bear?"

"Well, Ash sold it to a witch..." Finn began.

"Which old witch?"

"Not sure." Another reference over Finn's head.

"I'll go get some quartz," Alan sighed, getting tired of nobody getting his jokes.

* * *

_Alan sat in his closet, hunched over a tiny table, over which a map was spread._ A small piece of quartz swung, suspended from a length of string, making wide circles over the map. _Alright_, Alan thought, _Where's Hambo the Teddy?_ The piece of quartz began to swing more quickly as Alan focused his mind on the quartz. The quartz normally would have come to rest somewhere on the map, but instead it just swung faster and faster before finally swinging so hard that it flew off the string and out the window!

"OW!" Princess Bubblegum could be heard shouting across the entire castle.

_Crap,_ Alan thought.

"**ALAN!**" Bubblegum yelled.

_CRAP!_ Alan mentally cursed while he tried to find some way to get out without crossing paths with Bubblegum. He fumbled through his meager selection of spellbooks, before selecting _Ars Motum_. He thumbed through it until he reached the chapter on teleportation. He could hear Bubblegum stomping down the hall toward his closet. He got out some powders and gathered his books into his rucksack. (One never know when they may need an extra spell or two...) He then shouted "_Tharraingt asal!_" before popping off to the outskirts of the Candy Kingdom. Bubblegum kicked down the door to Alan's closet and shouted, "**ALAN!** Why in Grod's name would you throw quartz out a window?" PB paused for a moment, took a whiff of the sulfur in the air and realized he must have cast a spell to get out before she could reach him.

* * *

_Alan stood at the outskirts of the Candy Kingdom, thinking aloud._ "Hrm...If the quartz couldn't find it, then either it's out of range, or somebody is using some strong mojo to hide it. Or it's destroyed, but that'd be no fun..."

"Watcha lookin' for, guy?" A talking chicken asked Alan.

"Have you seen a Teddy Bear, goes by the name of Hambo?"

"No. I'm a chicken. I'm not even real, I'm a spirit chicken."

"Hrm..." Alan said as the chicken walked through him, "Well, have you seen a witch, talking spirit chicken?"

"Which old witch?"

"The Wicked Witch! Thank God somebody got that joke!"

"What joke?"

"Nevermind. I'll just go beat the answer out of Ash."

He walked for an hour or so before coming upon Ash's house. He knocked on the door. "Ash? I need to ask you something!"

A piece of paper slipped out under the door. Alan picked it up and read it aloud:

_Go away._

_-Ash_

"Ash, where is the witch you sold Hambo to?"

"I have no idea who you're talking about," Ash fibbed.

"Yes you do. Don't make me use your own wand against you!"

"Okay! Okay, I'll tell you! Just don't do that vine-y thing again!" Ash said, a hint of panic in his voice, "I sold it to an old water witch up north near the Unknown Lands!"

"Thanks." Alan said, taking out the Cherry Blossom Wand before waving it to produce vines, which grew to cover Ash's house. "Bye!"

Alan could hear Ash's groans of annoyance as he walked toward the Unknown Lands. He soon came upon a grungy-looking frontier settlement. When he walked into town, everyone stopped and glared at him for a moment before returning to their daily duties. The sheriff, a literal beanpole with a bushy and suggestive mustache, walked out to "greet" him. His hands were on his hips when he impatiently demanded, "What do _you_ want, stranger?"

"Oh...Er, I search for a witch."

"A witch? What are you, some kinda joker?"

"Hardly. I'm looking for a vampire's teddy bear, and-"

"You fraternize with the undead?" the sheriff practically shouted. He slapped a pair of cuffs on the unsuspecting Alan. He tried to focus and break the cuffs with his magic, but he was somehow unable to. "What the heck did you do to me? I can't use my magic!"

"Oh, so you confess to witchcraft too? Yer jus' diggin' yerself deeper, boy." A posse of townsfolk grabbed him and carried him to the local jail pending a lynching.

"Crap," Alan said when they chucked him into the cell.

"You will be tried, and you will be hung," the sheriff said bluntly.

Alan waited for the sheriff to leave before trying to get to work on the cuffs. "You won't get them open," said a voice on the other side of the cell. The voice happened to be attached to a women with blue-green skin and tattered blue robes, "I've been trying for two weeks. I'm afraid my time might be up, now that the other magicians ahead of me are dead."

"Wait, they kill people for using magic? _Without a trial?_"

"Well, the Lich sort of poisoned a lot of people against magic out here."

"That's hardly fair."

"I know! I was just walking along, minding my own business, casting water spells on the plants, when they scooped me up, cuffed me, and threw me in here with about twenty-seven other mages."

"Water spells? Are you, perchance, a water witch?"

"Yes, why?"

"Did you buy an old teddy bear off an idiot?"

"Perhaps...did he have white hair and grey skin?"

"Yep. What did you do with it?"

"I lost all my money in bad fish investments and had to sell it to a flambit."

"Shoot. Well, let's get out of these cuffs."

"How?"

"When you spend enough time at Renaissance fairs, you learn to notice crappy welds," Alan said, before trying to break the chain of his cuffs. He succeeded only in popping his joints. Painfully. "Unfortunately, it appears I did not spend _quite_ enough time at ren fairs. Ow."

"What did you bring with you when you entered town?"

"A bag of old spellbooks and a Cherry Blossom wand. The one that idiot bought, ironically."

"He said it was for his mother's operation! That snot! Well, perhaps my friend Louie can help." The water witch quietly whistled at a crack in the wall, "I've been training him for a while, but this is the first time I've tried to put him into action."

She whispered to a rat that crawled out of the wall. The rat nodded and walked over to the sheriff's desk, ate the ham and cheese sandwich on it, rolled around in the papers, jumped up and down on the chair for a bit, and finally brought the key ring back to them. Right as Alan was about to uncuff himself, the sheriff walked in.

"What the...How did you get those?" The sheriff demanded.

"Does it even matter? Alan unlocked the cuffs, grabbed the witch's arm, his bag, and the wand, and shouted "_Tharraingt asal!_" after throwing a small handful of sulfur powder on the floor. The sheriff coughed for a bit, and when the smoke cleared, Alan and the witch were gone. A man walked into the jail with two nooses and noticed the empty cells. "What happened, sheriff?"

"They exploded. End of story. Let's go arrest some rustlers or something." If the sheriff had cheeks, they would have been extraordinarily red.

* * *

_Alan and the witch had just teleported out of the frontier settlement._ "Alright, where did that flambit go?"

"I don't know. He said something about cheering up a princess or something and ran off to the west."

"What in Sam Hill is to the west of here?"

"No, Sam Hill is to the southeast. Gotta go!"

Alan shrugged and walked to the west. Had he looked behind him, he would have realized that the witch was terrorizing animals with water magic.

Alan kept walking for the better part of the day, until night fell, and he decided to make camp. He set up a dinky little tent and used a small spark of energy to start a campfire. He cooked some turnips (he was a vegetarian, mostly due to that fact that he has issues with eating sentient beings), ate his food, and then turned in for the night. He then awoke to a small gray humanoid with tusks and pointed ears.

"Huh...?" Alan yawned, too sleepy to be surprised.

"Gimme all your valuables!"

"Don't have any. Just books."

"What's a book?"

"It's a stack of paper with a bunch of words on it," Alan yawned.

"STAP YAWNIN'!" the little man stabbed alan in the arm with his dagger.

"OW!" Alan shouted, snapping out of his sleepy state, "What the bleeble-blop was that for!"

"Gimme that ring!"

"No! Now go away, you little...Whatever-you-are!"

"I'm a goblorc! Half-goblin, half-orc! Now gimme that ring!" the goblorc made a grab for the ring, but Alan pulled away.

"Listen, punk! You're messing with the #7 adventurer in Ooo, right behind Tim the Enchanter!" Alan said, charging a magical bolt.

"Oh yeah? I'm Luffy, the #3 _Bandit_ in all of Ooo!" he shouted, pulling out a repeating crossbow and firing three shots, one sticking in Alan's leg.

"AH! That hurts, moron!" Alan shouted, flinging a bolt of energy at the goblorc. The blast connected with Luffy's face, sending him a good few hundred feet away. "I'm the greatest wizard."

Alan got up and packed his things, carefully removed the bolt from his leg, put out the fire, and went on his way. About half an hour after he left, Luffy returned to find that Alan was out of sight. He tossed his balaclava on the ground in frustration before a lion jumped out and mauled him. The lion then stood and said, "#4 no more! I am #3!"

Alan continued for a while before he began to smell brimstone. _A volcano? Here?_ Alan thought to himself, before noticing a sign which read, _You are now entering the Fire Kingdom. Careful, it's hot!_ "Oh, that would explain the lava," Alan said to himself before attempting to walk into the kingdom. Hew managed to jump back out before his shoes melted.

"Crap, that's hot! Maybe one of the books has something..." Alan dug through his bag until he found a book titled _Elementary, Dear Wizard: Elemental Magic and You_. He flipped to the page on defensive spells and found a "Flame Shield" spell which seemed to fit the bill. He traced a small circle on the basalt at his feet and wrote ancient-looking symbols around the circle. He then focused his mind and said, calmly but intensely, "_Is féidir leis an Spiorad Dóiteáin Azure Cosain dom._" The chalk lines burst into hot blue flames, forming a dome which covered Alan's body. The dome receded, leaving heatless blue flames crackling across Alan's hands. "Shway."

Alan walked into the Fire Kingdom, treading carefully to avoiding falling through the hot rock. He saw a small congregation of fire elementals chatting at a nearby cafe. He walked up to the counter and asked for a tea, placing a gold coin on the counter. The server tried to pick up the coin, but it melted in his hands. "Dang it...Not again! Ah, well. I'll get you your tea. Alan grabbed his tea, took a sip, and nearly blew flames out of his nostrils. It wasn't that hot, but man, _was it spicy!_ Alan liked the taste, but more pressing matters were at hand. He walked up to the group of fire people and asked, as nonchalantly as possible, "Hey, has anybody seen a flambit with a teddy bear?"

The elementals glared at him for a moment, before they noticed the blue flames on his body. Their eyes widened, and one elemental said, "Yes, of course! He headed to the palace, sire!"

"Sire?" Alan shrugged as he walked away, toward the large citadel in the center of the kingdom. He waved to one of the guards, who immediately lowered the drawbridge. "Wow, the people here are crazy friendly!" Alan remarked as he walked into the castle and straight to the Fire King's throne room. "Hello? Has anybody seen a flambit with a stuffed bear?" Alan called into the large room, which happened to be filled to the brim with incendiary courtiers. Everyone turned and gasped. "Oh my Grob!" shouted a particularly stout nobleman, short and round like a campfire, "It's the Azure One!"

The Ice King woke up from a nap in his throne. "The Azure One!" he shouted, standing ramrod straight.

Now, the funny thing is that, according to Fire Elemental oral tradition, the Azure One was the first human to ever learn the magic of Elemental Fire, imbuing him with an immunity to heat and wreathing his hands in blue flame. Also of note is that the Azure One promised on his deathbed to return to the Fire Kingdom and build it into the greatest empire the world has ever seen. This would turn out to be very...interesting for Alan.

"Who is this Azure One guy, and why do you think I'm him?"

"You're _not_ the Azure One? Guards! arrest him for impersonating a Messiah!"

"Impersonating a who, now?" Alan said, before being quickly beaten to a pulp and placed in the stocks.

"This will teach you to mock our faith!" the Fire King said, giving the signal for flaming fruit to be thrown. It was late a t night by the time this happened, and the commotion of Alan being punched repeatedly woke up none other than the Flame Princess.

"What is happening, father?" the Fire Princess said, rubbing her eyes and clutching a worn blue teddy bear.

"Oh, nothing dear. Just a heretic," Fire King said, waving FP off.

_The bear!_ Alan thought, noting the obvious. He then piped up and said through a fat lip, "Hey, is that a teddy bear?"

"Why, yes. One of the flambits gave it to me after I left the court of Prince Finn, the Water Elemental."

"Finn the..._nevermind_...May I see it, please? It belonged to a friend of mine."

"Very well. Release him!" the Fire Princess said, pointing at the stocks.

"Dear, we can't just _release criminals_!" Fire King said.

FP just stared with the closest thing a Fire Being could get to puppy-dog eyes. The king looked at her, and then at Alan, who also wore his best puppy-face. He waited for a moment, and finally broke down and said, "Fine...release the prisoner."

Alan was released from the stocks before any flaming fruit could be thrown. He walked up to the Fire Princess and examined the bear. It appeared to have a generic Flame Shield spell cast on it. He looked at the bear, and then back to Flame Princess, who obviously held the toy dearly. _How could I ever separate such a cherished thing from a girl so young?_ Alan pondered his moral predicament. He then punched FP in the gut and ran off with Hambo. "Like THIS!" Alan yelled at nobody in particular. A bunch of Fire Guards, the Fire King, and the Flame Princess all gave chase. Alan reached into his pocket to pull out some sulfur, and he stumbled. Right before the Fire Elementals could dogpile him and overwhelm his Flame Shield, he managed to toss it on the floor and shout the incantaion, teleporting him out of the Fire Kingdom. The guards summoned their flying fire drakes to give chase, and they followed him south for miles, throwing a few balls of fire at him, before finally losing him in the Cotton Candy Forest. He turned and walked toward Marceline's house, nursing a few minor burns and scorches.

* * *

_Meanwhile, in the Candy Castle, Bubblegum was feeling terrible._ Finn and Jake were standing next to her, trying to calm her down. "Don't worry, PB, It's not your fault!" Jake said.

"Yes it is! I used him like some kind of show and tell, and I lost my temper, and he ran away!"

"Nah, he's just out for an adventure!" Jake replied.

"He's been gone for three days! He never leaves for longer than a day!"

"No worries, Peebles!" Finn said cheerfully, "He can handle himself! He's the #6 adventurer in Ooo, after what happened to Tim!"

* * *

_Marceline was strumming her bass and humming a Kiss song at her house when she heard a knock at the door._ She opened the door with a "Hello?" only to see a badly bruised and scorched Alan holding a burlap sack. "Dude, what happened?"

"Mirror. Brunch. Frenemies. Awesome old guy. Jake slide. Quartz. Bubblegum's eye. _Tharraingt asal. _Lynch mob. Witch. False messiah. Flame Princess. Dragons. Cotton Candy Forest. Brought you a present."

"Come in and let me get you some ice. And burn ointment. And bandages. And maybe a coffin." Marceline half-joked, sitting Alan down on her sofa. He was still holding up the burlap sack. Marceline returned with some medical supplies and asked, "Why on Earth would you go to the Fire kingdom to get a _present_?"

Alan dumped the contents of the bag into Marceline's hands. Marceline just stopped for a moment. She put her hand on her head and sat down.

"Hambo."

"Uh-huh," Alan grunted, trying his darndest to keep conscious.

"...I...I can't believe it! I thought he was made into a potion. How did you-" Marceline turned to Alan and realized he was asleep. She carried him back to the Candy Kingdom. He smiled, not entirely asleep.

* * *

_About fifteen minutes of quick flight brought Marceline and Alan to the Candy Kingdom._ It was late at night when she flew into the window of the Grand Hall, where Princess Bubblegum was getting ready to turn in and head up to her chambers. "Alan!"

"Here ya go, Princess," Marceline said, setting him down gently, "He's had a long couple of days."

Alan grunted and woke up. "Hey, PB. Still mad at the 'quartz thing'?" he yawned.

"No. I'm sorry I used you to impress the others. I just look up to King Aldous, and I just wanted to shut up that smug Dryad Princess and her "naturally grown houses" garbage.

"Nah, it's alright. I need to come out of the closet anyway."

Everyone looked at him for a moment.

"I couldn't agree more," Bubblegum said, "But for now, you need your rest."

Alan nodded and stumbled up to his closet.

"So where did he go?" Bubblegum asked Marceline.

"Oh, you know, here and there." Marceline replied, holding Hambo.

Marceline walked up to Alan and kissed him on the cheek before flying away. Alan smiled wearily all the way up to his closet.


	11. Alan Sanders, Ace Attorney

_[Sometimes it's hard for me to type "Candy Castle" because my brain wants me to type "Candy Kingdom".]_

_Finn and Jake sat on a hill overlooking the Candy Kingdom._ "Man," Jake said, "Look at that meadow."_  
_

"Yeah?" Finn asked.

"Just...look at it! It's beautiful!"

"Huh. I guess it is. I especially like those flowers over there." Finn pointed to a field of red flowers.

"You only like those 'cuz they remind you of Bubblegum."

"Nuh-uh! I like them because they smell like steak!"

"Come on, they're pink, Bubblegum's pink! So easy to see."

"Dude, your colorblindness is actin' up. Those are red"

"Oh. My bad."

The two shared a good laugh and then inhaled the scent of the steak flowers. They heard shouting as a small group of banana guards ran to the kingdom, carrying what looked like a ball of thread. "Arachnomancers! They're coming! Prepare the defense teams!"

"Arachnomancers?" Finn and Jake repeated. They got up and hustled over to the Candy Castle to see what was up.

* * *

_They ran up into Bubblegum's Royal Office, where battle plans were already being made and put into action._ "Guys! We can't fight off invaders you don't don't sharpen your gleebing weapons!" The Princess shouted at the weapon master, who had apparently shirked his duties.

"What shall we do then, Your Highness?" The beefy ginger snap asked.

"Give them warhammers, or maces, or something!"

"We're here!" Finn shouted.

"What's going on?" Jake asked.

"A group of Arachnomancers are advancing on the Candy Kingdom, and nobody knows why! I'll need you two to lead the counter-assault. I've prepare a few doses of anti-venom, to protect you from the spider's poison," Bubblegum explained. She then turned and shout down the hall, "AND WHERE THE FARK IS OUR WIZARD!"

Alan stumbled in, his suit smoking and wreaking of strange, alchemical substances. "I'm here," he coughed, trying not to look to much like and idiot.

"There is no smoking allowed in the war-room, Minister," Peppermint Butler said, carrying an armful of bottled waters. Alan stumbled about in his suit pockets for a moment before taking a bottle of water and pouring it on himself, quenching the smoke.

"Head Wizard Alan Sanders, reporting for duty!" Alan sarcastically saluted, using an air spell to dry off. "Now what's all the fuss about some grumpy divinationists?"

"Divi-what?" Finn asked.

Alan explained, "An Arachnomancer is a spellcaster whose magic deals with the acquisition of information by means of spiders and other arachnids, not to be confused with Arachneurges, who are mages with a more general control of arachnids."

Bubblegum frowned in annoyance. "You know, just because we're using the wrong word, doesn't mean you have to be such a jerk."

"I'm just messin' with ya. Anyway, I've done some research, and the coven is probably led by a Drider, and an old one, at that."

"A Drider?" Jake said, "Those guys are bad news."

Alan continued, "Arachneurges usually used to scar themselves with the image of a spider in order to focus their powers, but in modern practice, they usually use a phylactery."

"So if we break the phylactery, do they lose their powers?" Finn asked.

"Maybe," Alan said. Maybe was the best they had. Alan turned to Princess Bubblegum and said, "Princess, I would like to be assigned to the front lines along with Finn and Jake."

"No. We need you here in case there might be something else you could tell us."

"Missy, I did _not_ take the job to sit behind dusty tomes all day. I took it so I could afford my own place. I have been studying magic since your great-to-the-sixty-sixth grandma was a twinkle in her dad's eye, and they will need my out on that field. Got it?"

Bubblegum stood shocked at the words that just came out of Alan's mouth. She thought for a moment before giving Alan permission to go into battle. As Alan walked out the door with Finn and Jake, Bubblegum said, "One more outburst like that, and I'll fire you and kick you out!"

* * *

_Alan, Finn and Jake stood atop the hill from earlier in this chapter, scanning the battlefield for any possible advantages._ It was a flat field, no obstacles or holes, just a vast area of grass. The Banana Guards formed large, square groups, all standing lined up at the battlefield. Princess Bubblegum stood at the back of the army, wearing pink rock-candy armor. Finn, Jake and Alan took their place at the front. Finn lifted his sword, holding it at the ready. As the Archneurges and their chitinous thralls drew nearer, Finn dug his heel into the ground. "CHARGE!"

The Banana Army screamed for blood and victory as they charged into battle with the spider mages. The spiders were enormous, and they used their weight to vicious effect, leaping and crushing bananas one after another. Jake drew an axe, swinging it and steadily lengthening his arms for greater swing speed. Finn swung his scarlet blade, hacking open three or four spiders in one pass. Alan threw several bolts of magic, striking and disorienting the spiders long enough for the Banana Soldiers to crush them beneath their warhammers. A small cadre of Drider archer-mages advanced on the Candy " Kingdom forces, launching volleys of arrows coated in alchemical toxins. "Raise Shields!" Princess Bubblegum shouted, seeing the arrows comming in from the left. Her archers responded with their own arrows, piercing through the tough exoskeletons of the spiders. Finn, Jake and Alan fought their way through the enemy army, eventually meeting at the middle. They stood back-to-back-to-back, fending off as many spiders and Driders as they could, but they were too big and too numerous.

"Finn!" Alan shouted.

"Yeah?" Finn grunted, cutting down a Drider warrior.

"I think I'm gonna have to use the spell I was working on!"

"Go for it!" Jake shouted.

"Okay, but it's still in Beta!" Alan shouted. He raised his hands and cried to the heavens, "_Tintreach Duibhe!_" A single bolt of black lightning fell from the clear sky onto one of the spiders, arcing from one to the next and greatly improving the odds. Alan slackened, dizzied from the excessive energy he used to cast the spell, but he shook it off and kept fighting. As it turned out, using the Black Lightning spell was the worst possible thing to do. The head Drider of the Arachneurge Coven then teleported onto the battlefield in a burst of webs. He immediately made himself known.

"**So! The rumors are true! The last Human Mage is here! Face me so that I may take your ring to my master!**" he shouted for all to hear.

"Aw, man!" Jake complained, "He wants my Little Orphan Annie Decoder Ring!"

"...What?" Finn and Alan both said.

"Just kiddin'. Go kick some butt Alan!"

Alan ran up to the Drider, picking up a discarded quarterstaff. "You want the ring?"

"**Yes.**" The Drider then reared up and grew to full size. It turned out that his spider half was not just some piddly old daddy-long-legs, but in fact a bebilith: A giant, demonic spider, big enough to make Megatron run crying for mommy. "Oh fork." Alan said, possibly wetting himself.

Alan took out the _ki_ ring and placed it on his finger. This was the first time he used it in a fight, and he didn't know whether it would destroy the Drider Mage, destroy him, or destroy _the planet_, but things had kind of crossed the Godzilla threshold, and he was pretty sure it wouldn't explode.

"Well, HERE IT IS, **WEE-OTCH!**" He focused his will on releasing a fraction of the energy contained in the ring, and immediately felt his hand heat up, as the ring burned his finger.

And then he was in a waiting room.

* * *

_Alan, Finn, Jake, and Princess Bubblegum found themselves in a clean, beige waiting room._ "Wha...Where are we, Alan?" Bubblegum asked, knowing Alan _had_ to have something to do with it.

"How the Hell should _I_ know!" Alan squawked.

"Are we...dead?" Finn wondered.

"Nah, I still feel squishy," Jake said, poking his own tummy. He walked over to poke Finn's belly.

"Hahaha! Stop it, man! That tickles!"

A door on the far side of the room opened. A small-winged man wearing a white dress shirt, gray slack, and suspenders (braces for those of you in the UK). "Visitors? Or new residents?"

"Uh..." Alan was at a loss for what to say.

"Right, visitors. Have a seat, please," the man motioned to four chairs which suddenly appeared.

The four sat down and waited. _"__All Over the World"_ was playing in the room. "Dude, I _love_ this song!" Alan said, starting to sing along.

They sat in that room for a good three hours. Alan sang _the entire time_. He had a nice voice, but it was still annoying to hear him sing _"La Bamba"_ for half an hour. "Alan Sanders?" the winged man called into the room. Alan got up and walked to the door. When he entered, he found himself in a giant, blacked-out room. A blinding spotlight was trained on him as dozens of shadowy figures drifted around him, just out of sight. _"What is he?"_

_"I think he's human!"_

_"That's odd."_

_"I don't smell any radiation, but I can smell the centuries on him!"_

_"I think you need your nose checked, Phil!"_

_"No, I smell it, too! He's pre-war!"_

"He's also right here!" Alan said in annoyance.

The lights changed, showing a large courtroom, which quickly removed its extra dimensions for Alan's convenience. The walls were a rich mahogany, with simple but attractive brass furnishings and wooden furniture. A robed, faceless figure sat in the Judge's seat. Twelve ghostly old men sat in the jury's seat. A few dozen more sat in the spectator's seats. "Hello? Am I on trial here?" Alan asked the "judge".

"Perhaps. First, we must see if there is a sufficient case. Bailiff Fred! Bring me the files."

The winged man walked over to the judge with a manila folder willed with papers. The judge read the contents, muttering to himself.

"Sign Golem...Water Witch...Boy, did you _actually punch a little girl **in the**** gut**_!" Alan immediately got the look of a deer in the headlights.

"Uhm...yes, that is true, your honor."

"And you kidnapped a princess with _human blood_ as the ransom?"

"That's out of context! It was a training exercise!"

"You collapsed a man's house!"

"That wasn't my fault!"

"You also stole that ring!" the judge added.

"I took this ring from a rokurokubi who _killed_ an entire Mage's Guild! She had no right to it!"

"You tried to blast another mage in the face with it!"

"That Arachneurge attacked the Candy Kingdom! It was in defense!"

"You deny none of these?"

"Uh...I plead the fifth!"

"Oh, dear, we have an American." Americans were _particularly_ frustrating for this judge to try, because he is required to try suspected criminals by their native laws whenever possible, and American laws are annoyingly convoluted and filled with pesky "defendant's rights".

* * *

_Alan walked out into the waiting room, with a mix of fear and confusion on his face._ "What happened, bro?" Finn asked.

"I just got indicted with assault, attempted murder, and grand theft magic."

Everyone gasped.

"Whaaaaat? That doesn't sound like you, man!" Jake said.

"Well, I _did_ punch the Fire Princess in the gut a couple of weeks back."

"What?" Everyone shouted. Fred leaned into the room to shush them.

"And they seemed to frown on me blasting that giant Drider."

"It was self defense!"

"IKR! And they think I _stole_ the _ki_ ring!"

"Well, you kinda did," Bubblegum pointed out, "but the person you took it from had no right to it!"

At that moment, a tall, wise-looking man in a smart black suit walked into the room.

"Hey, are you Alan?" he said with an English accent.

"Yeah. Who are you?"

"Your legal counsel. Now, your friends are going to have to go, because it can't look like I've tampered with witnesses."

Finn, Jake and Princess Bubblegum disappeared. The man walked up to Alan and said "We're going to have to prepare your defense. You can call me Merl by the way."

* * *

_Finn, Jake, and Princess Bubblegum hovered in an empty, senseless limbo for an unknowable length of time._ Fred may or may not have walked in with what could possibly have been bottled waters and doughnuts. "Hey, guys. Hungry?"

"I don't know?" Finn probably said.

"Yeah. That's pretty normal...Maybe," Fred might have answered.

"What is it to be hungry?" Bubblegum may possibly have mused.

"I'm a green, constipated tornado!" Jake could have probably blurted.

"Well, One could possibly argue that I may have been sent in here to retrieve a theoretical total of three people who may or may not subjectively happen to be the people who seem to be where I interpret is before me."

"Oh. Alright, let's perform actions that may or may not resemble following the entity which appears to be Fred from our point of view," The being who could plausibly be referred to as Princess Bubblegum could probably have replied.

The four appeared to leave a space that could be interpreted as the aforementioned limbo in what could possibly be construed as some sort of linear formation.

* * *

_Regaining their objectivity, Finn, Jake, Bubblegum and Fred walked into the courtroom._ "All rise for the Honorable Judge Thoth," Fred said as a baboon-headed man in long court robes walked to the judge's chair.

"Thank you, now I'd like to get this trial done with. What are the charges?"

"The defendant stands trial for the crimes of assault, two counts of attempted murder in the second degree, and grand theft magic."

_Sounds like a bad GTA/Harry Potter crossover fic,_ Alan thought.

"Very well. How does the defendant plead?"

Merl stood up, "The defendant pleads not guilty to attempted murder and grands theft, and _nolo contendre_ to assault."

Finn raised his hand. Thoth rubbed his temples and said, "What do you want, Human?"

"What does _nolo contendre_ mean?"

"He neither admits to or denies the crime."

"Oh," Finn and Jake both nodded in semi-understanding.

"Any opening remarks?" Thoth returned his attention to more important matters.

The prosecutor stood up. He was a tall, attractive man with black hair slicked back behind him. He wore a trench coat when everyone else was not, and his gaze was...unsettling, like if three different men stared behind those eyes out at you, each millions of years old. Two large, silvery wings stuck out through the back of his coat.

"Yes, your honor. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, this man you see before you...this strange, twisted man before you, attacked a child for a _teddy bear_, stole the ring of an Archmage off of her finger before plasmating her, and tried to kill a fellow mage in _cold blood_. As this trial ufnolds, you will see exactly why this cruel man deserves to have his magic taken away!"

The jury gasped.

"Does the defendant have anything to say?"

Alan got up, but Merl set him back down. "We have nothing to say, your honor."

"Very well. Let's begin with the court's exhibit A," the prosecutor said warily. Merl was known for his cunning defenses, and this could easily have been a calculated trick.

The prosecutor waved his hands as a pale image appeared: Alan destroying the Tomoko the Rokurokubi. The jury covered their ears as they heard her scream. Alan shrank back, not at all happy with how brutal he looked.

"DOES THIS LOOK LIKE A GOOD PERSON TO YOU!" the prosecutor shouted.

"OBJECTION!" Merl shouted over the scream.

"WHAT?"

"I SAID I OBJECT!"

"ON WHAT GRO-**OH WILL YOU SHUT THAT UP, HALEL!**" The judge screamed.

The image was muted.

"On what grounds, Merlin?"

Alan and Bubblegum both turned and stared at "Merl".

"Context, your honor! This little floor show was taken out of context! I demand the prosecution rewind the tape and play it from the start."

"Your honor, this is just a ploy for time!"

"Maybe so, but the jury has a right to the whole story."

They rewound the image back to when Alan, Finn and Jake woke up in the room of corpses. Alan stood menacingly, apparently draining energy from the corpses. Alan immediately stood up, "I also, object, your honor! Who verified this source?"

"Verified?"

"Yes, who forensically verified this? Was it even validated at all?"

"That...is a valid question. Who verified this, Helel?"

"I, uh...Nobody."

"Counsel and prosecution. My chambers. Now. I'm calling a recess."

"_That's what she said..._" Jake whispered to a now snickering Finn and Bubblegum.

* * *

_Merlin and Helel met in Thoth's chambers while the jury went to go play volleyball._ Thoth looked pretty angry, even if you took away the literal monkey-face. "I don't know what you're trying to pull, Hel, but this better just be an oversight."

"Of course, your honor, I'll be more careful from here on in." Helel said.

"Your honor, I move to have the case thrown out."

"On what grounds, Merlin?" Helel scoffed.

"The prosecution produced unverified and likely false evidence. The jury's been poisoned."

"I will instruct the jury to disregard the evidence and continue the case. You aren't getting out of this so easily, Merl."

* * *

_The three of them returned to the courtroom._ It was time for witness testimony. "I call Finn the Human to the stand," Merl said.

Finn walked over to the stand, was placed under oath. "Your honor, how can we be sure of the veracity of his statements?"

"I weighed his heart with my mind, Helel. There is no need to worry about Finn's honesty," Thoth said.

"Mr. The Human," Helel began, "How long have you known the defendant?"

"Uh...about three months."

"And did he ever strike you as...unstable?"

"Objection: weighted question!" Merlin called.

"I'll rephrase. How would you describe Alan's behavior and methods?"

"Well, he's pretty weird, but he's really good at what he does."

"And what does he do?"

"Magic. One time, I saw him deflect this giant slushball, and it was AWESOME!"

"Ah, yes. The slushball. Did he not deflect this object into a populated kingdom?"

"Yes. No. Sorta. It's populated by penguins.:

"But it was a sovereign nation?"

"Yeah."

"He deflected a giant ball of snow and ice with enough destructive power to knock an Angel out of the sky into a sovereign nation. I don't know about anybody else, but I'd say this sounds pretty reckless."

"But it was the ICE Kingdom! That's where ice goes!"

"And I suppose if I crushed the Candy Kingdom under a giant sugar cube, it'd be alright?"

"Well, no but-"

"But nothing! The defendant crushed an independent kingdom!"

Alan tugged on Merlin's sleeve, "Hey, aren't you going to object?"

"No reason," Merlin whispered back.

"Are you quite finished, Helel?" Thoth asked.

"Yes, your honor. The defense may question the witness," Helel said smugly.

"Hello, Finn. How are you?" Merlin asked amiably.

"I'm okay, I guess. That Helel guy's kind of a jerk."

"Objection!"

"Strike that from the records," Thoth grunted.

"So, would you say the defendant is your friend?"

"Yeah, man."

"And do you regularly befriend evil people?"

"No, I fight them!"

"You are an adventurer, then."

"Yeah! I'm all about adventures!"

"So, have you taken the defendant on any adventures?"

"Yeah! My favorite was the trip to the Wizard's guild!"

"Oh? Was this where you encountered the Rokurokubi?"

"Yep. She tried to kill us and take our life!"

"Oh really?"

"Yeah! She killed the old Wizard's Guild like three hundred years ago, and she pretended to be a member so she could absorb Alan's _ghee_ and drink his blood!"

"Well, this sounds like an interesting story, let's hear more!"

"Your honor, the court has no time to hear this whole story!" Helel objected.

"Oh, I think we do, Helel. Especially considering your earlier shenanigans," Thoth responded.

Finn told the tale of the Wizard's Guild, and the evil Tomoko, and how Alan finally learned to cast magical bolts.

Merlin turned to the jury and said, "So, a person who only just learned one of the most basic force spells tried to kill a centuries-old Japanese monstress unprovoked and in cold blood? I'd say this seems unlikely, don't you?"

Finn returned to his seat, receiving a thumbs-up from Jake and Bubblegum.

Helel then called Bubblegum to the stand.

"Is it true that the defendant has recently entered under your own employ?"

"Yes. He has recently accepted the post of head magical adviser for the Candy Kingdom."

"Is it not true that he only took the job in order to afford a new house?"

"Yes. He-"

"And is it also true that he has repeatedly scoffed at rules and regulations?"

"Yes, bu-"

"And has he not also endangered you and your kingdom on several occasions?"

"Yes. The-"

"And did he not _also-_"

"You are done interrupting me. I will admit that Alan is foolish, irresponsible, distractible, rude, and even slightly insane. I will also admit that he is brilliant, creative, kind, protective, and the most powerful mage I have ever seen."

"Watch yourself, young lady. My court has little tolerance for such outbursts," Thoth warned. Helel did not expect the Princess to break custom and speak out of turn. He sat down. "Does the defense wish to cross-examine?"

"No, your honor, we do not," Merlin grinned.

"Does the prosecution have another witness?"

"Yes, your honor," Helel regained his bravado, "I call the Flame Princess to the stand."

The Flame Princess then appeared, very confused, at the witness stand.

"Miss Flame Princess, were you recently attacked?"

"Wha-Where am I?"

"A courtroom. Please answer the question."

"Well, yes."

"Would you please point out the perpetrator?"

Flame Princess scanned the courtroom before seeing Alan. She immediately jumped out of her seat and tried to burn Alan alive. Alan and Merline both ducked, knowing magic is forbidden in the courtroom. Fred tackled the Flame Princess and held onto her until she calmed down. Fred returned her to her seat. "If the prosecution cannot keep their witness in check, I _will_ throw out this case." Thoth threatened.

"Understood," Helel replied, "Now, am I to understand that that outburst would indicate that the defendant was the one who attacked you?"

"YES! He stole my bear!"

"As in, he attacked you for _a stuffed teddy bear_?"

"YES! Let me BURN HIM!"

"I'm sorry, but that is not how this court works."

"Is that all?" Thoth rolled his eyes.

"Yes."

Merlin looked at Alan with a look of surprise. "Your honor," Merlin turned to Thoth, "We would like a recess."

* * *

_Merlin and Alan were sitting in Merlin's office._

"You stole a _bear_ from a _**thirteen-year-old**** girl**_!" Merlin practically shouted.

"It's more complicated than that!" Alan squawked defensively.

"What the Hell could you _possibly_ mean by that?"_  
_

"It was for a girl!"

"Oh, how noble. You stole a teddy bear from a child to impress a girl."

"IT WAS HER BEAR! She had it when she was a child, and it was stolen from her! I got imprisoned, stabbed, shot with an arrow, mistaken for God, and badly burned for it! For her! Because I like to do good things for my friends! I know I went about it the wrong way, I think at least my intent and the ridiculous pile of bullshit I went through for it at least partially nullifies it!"

"Don't you talk to _me_ about difficult journeys! I was watching over that creep Uther and his kid since before your great-to-the-hundred-fourth grandpa was a twinkle in his dad's eye!"

The irony of this statement was not lost on Alan.

"I'm an arrogant dick!" Alan realized.

"Yes, you are. Now, why are you saying this?"

"I'm a wad, but I'm not evil! Why would anyone think I attacked somebody unprovoked?"

Merlin's pocket beeped. He pulled out an ornate hand mirror marked "Mhuirlinne" and answered.

"Hello? Okay. Uh-huh. Uh-_huh_. That's interesting. Thanks, Gabe," Merlin said, before putting the mirror away.

"Ye-I-That was YOUR TOWER!" Alan practically screamed.

"What?"

"The tower I got lost in! The one where I learned magic! It had a mirror just like it in the study!"

"You were in my study!...Nevermind. I just got a call from Gabe-"

"As in _the_ Gabe?"

"No, Gabe from _Penny Arcade,_" Merlin snarked, "Anyway, he says that video was fabricated.

"Duh. Let's go get the charges dropped!"

"No, I need to kick that self-righteous creep Helel in the crotch while I can."

"You know, I'm aware of what Helel's name means."

* * *

_The trial went on for hours, as nearly everyone Alan knew, from the Ice King to the guys he stole the motorcycle from testified._ The final witness came up to the stand: The Snail.

"Mr. Snail, have you met the defendant?" Helel asked, getting tired of the long-winded proceedings.

"Yes," The snail answered.

Alan looked terrified, and he was shaking in his seat from chills. "What's wrong, Alan?" Merlin whispered.

"W-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w..."

"What!"

"Wizard eyes!" Alan said, staring at the snail.

"What?"

"Look at the snail with your Arcane Sight!"

"Kid, I'm barely able to see normally anymore. What is it?"

"Th-th-the Snail! It's oozing with necrourgy!"

"What?"

"Necrourgy! It's like Necromancy, but more general!"

"Ahem!" Helel cleared his throat, waiting for Alan and Merlin to shut up.

Merlin and Alan stood up. "Your honor," Alan began.

Merlin continued, "We have reason to believe this snail is not who he says he is."

Thoth raised his head and eyebrows and said, "Oh?"

"He's positively oozing Death Magic. I would not be at all surprised if he was also the one who tampered with the video evidence," Alan explained.

Thoth looked at the Snail, his head changing from that of a baboon to that of an ibis, as he gazed into the mind of the Snail.

"FOOLS!" the Snail cried, leaping from his seat, "You do not comprehend the power I can unleash. I was going to just let this court take your powers, but now that I have been exposed, I must destroy you!"

The Snail raised his arm to cast a spell, while reading from the book he sat on for a boost: _The Enchiridion_.

Merlin stood and raised his left hand to stop him. He released a blast from his hand which blew a hole through the wall into the scary null-space outside. The Snail had just managed to dodge. He knew his current form lacked the power to defeat Merlin, so he flipped to another page, shouted strange, unwritable words, and then disappeared.

"Well," Jake said, "I don't think anybody saw that coming!"

* * *

_In the end, the hole was patched, Alan was acquitted, and Merlin got to figuratively kick Helel's junk_. Helel walked up to Alan and awkwardly said, "I...Uh...I'm sorry I was so mean to you guys. I honestly though you did it."

"No problem, Lucy," Alan said, as they walked through the door out.

"By the way, the judge said that the ring is officially yours!"

"Cool!"

"And that if you use it again before you've mastered your powers, he'll take away your powers so fast, you'll be talking backwards!"

"Not so cool!"

The four walked through the door, each grabbing a doughnut on the way out.

* * *

_They found themselves at the exact place and moment they were pulled from, but with doughnuts._ The bebilith Drider (remember him?) then exploded, along with the phylactery around his neck. The spiders immediately dispersed, and Alan was left coated in spider gunk. His suit was ruined, but there was plenty of free silk to make a new one.

"Sweet!" Jake said, taking a bite of his doughnut, "We won!"

"Yeah...Now I need a shower."

Everyone got up to go home, largely the same as they left the castle, but Alan just couldn't get the image of that Snail out of his head.

_[Whew! Longest chapter yet! If you didn't figure out what Helel's name meant, go look up "Helel" in Google.]_


	12. What A Piece of Work Is A Flame

_Finn and Jake went to knock on Princess Bubblegum's door, only to find a note._ The note in question read:

_Finn:_

_Alan has asked me to accompany him to the Fire Kingdom to apologize for his earlier behavior, and I have left Peppermint Butler in charge of the Kingdom for the Time being. I will be back by Thursday._

_-Princess Bubblegum._

"Huh," Finn said, "I guess we'll have to hang with Peppermint Butler."

"Okay, but if he eats our flesh, it's on you," Jake joked.

* * *

_Alan and Bubblegum rode in a candy carriage, with Alan at the reins._ Normally, they would have ridden Lady Rainicorn, but Alan said she would have been too conspicuous. In reality, he just had a problem with flying.

"So, tell me again," Bubblegum asked, "Why did you punch the Flame Princess in the stomach?"

"I was under a lot of stress!" Alan barked, not very proud of his achievements in pointless violence.

"Alright, I understand. I've done some pretty _crazy things_ under stress."

"Like Goliad?"

"How did you find out about Goliad? If Finn told you-"

"Hon? I can see the crystal lattice of the sugar in your hair. You didn't think I'd notice two Sauron-level psychics mentally duking it out in your basement?"

"Oh. Okay...Wait, did you just call me 'hon'?" Bubblegum asked.

"Yeah...I grew up in Alabama, and sometimes it seeps through." Alan answered.

"It does seem like a rather brash idea to punch the princess of a _kingdom made of fire_, regardless."

"If you recall the state in which I was returned home, it is rather obvious that I learned my lesson."

The two continued conversing until they came to a crossroads. It was at this point that a rather large and cruel-looking demon suddenly appeared. Alan stopped the candy horse abruptly. "Whoa! Oh Schmidt, a demon. Well _that's_ just lovely."

"You! There! In the green!" The demon pointed at Alan.

"Me?" Alan got those "headlight eyes" again.

"No, the dandelion stuck to your front wheel. _Yes, you!_ I am bored. Play me the greatest song in the world, or I shall eat your soul!"

"But I don't-"

"What part of "eat your soul" don't you get?"

"Alright, hold on." Alan leaned back into the carriage and asked, "Any bright ideas, Princess?"

"Um...No. I mean, there's no quantifiable way to say which song is the best of all, because-"

"Yeahyeahyeah, subjective tastes. I was just hoping you might have some wacky Heterodyne solution."

"Wacky what solution?"

"Nevermind. Just hand me that blue tome." Alan motioned to the stack of books next to Bubblegum.

"This one?" Bubblegum held up a book which was titled _"Explosivae Artium."_

"No, the one with the silver embossing."

"This?" She handed Alan a book which was called _"The Sound of Magic"_.

Alan thanked Bubblegum and took the book. He flipped to a later page and started chanting _"Chinneadh Dao."_

As Alan chanted, phantom voices arose from nowhere, humming in harmony. The harmony swelled into a powerful song, that not even I, the narrator, can recall the words to. The song reached its crescendo in a burst of light as the demon staggered back in awe. The song ended, and all the demon had to say was, "Be you an angel?"

"Nay. I am but man," Alan said, barely able to keep a straight face.

The demon disappeared, satisfied with the song he had heard.

"What _was_ that?" Bubblegum asked.

"That spell is called "The Song of Jabulus". I would have liked a chance to study it, but sadly, it's a Vancian spell, and I had to use my copy just now. It plays the best song in the world."

"Sorry to hear that."

"Nah, I'd rather keep my soul than my spell," Alan said, "But _man,_ do I wish I could remember how that spell worked. Oh well. HYAH!"

Alan ushered the candy horse onward, grumbling something about "five hours of dungeon crawling."

* * *

_Finn and Jake walked to Peppermint Butler's chamber carrying a large stack of board games._ They knocked on his door and waited for a moment.

"Coming," Pepps called.

Pepbuts opened the door to see Finn and Jake.

"May I help you?"

"Ya wanna play Monopoly?"

Butler thought about this for a moment. He then shrugged and invited them in.

"Death, you've met Finn and Jake. They wish to play Monopoly with us," Peppermint said.

"For...Souls?" Death asked anxiously.

Finn and Jake looked at each other for a moment before immediately running out of the room.

"What? I was gonna bet my Barry White CDs."

* * *

_Alan and Bubblegum passed through the steep mountain pass in order to pass through a passage to the Fire Kingdom._ "So, tell me Princess...How comprehensive was your education in pre-war literature?"

"I know it better than most people do."

"Who was Aang?"

"Uh...Oh! The Avatar, master of all four elements."

"Roy Greenhilt?"

"Lawful Good Fighter, leader of the Order of the Stick."

"Edward Cullen?"

"Not worth reading about."

"Good. Neil Patrick Harris?"

"A demigod with the ability to sing like an angel, shoot rainbows from his eyes, and summon a unicorn mount."

"...Was that-"

"A joke? Yes."

"Meh. Still not so far off."

At that moment, a pair of trolls astride giant eagles flew over the pass, followed by taupe imps in business suits. They were not there to make friends.

"REALLY? Another _ridiculous **RANDOM**** ENCOUNTER**_!" Alan shouted, getting a bolt of energy ready. Bubblegum stood up in the carriage with a bow and arrow. The trolls swooped in, intent on making a meal of Alan, Bubblegum, and the candy horse. Alan flung a few bolts, knocking some imps down, but they were simply too numerous to completely clear out. Bubblegum tried to take a few shots at the trolls or their eagles, but the Imps came in and caught the arrows.

"You know, I don't think we can hold these guys back forever!" Alan said, avoiding a large rock that was thrown by one of the trolls.

"I think I might have something," Bubblegum rifled around in the items she had under her seat and pulled out a round object with a pin.

"Is that a grenade?"

"Syrup grenade. It should gum up those wings easily. They're pretty far up, so I'll have to use an arrow to get it to them!"

"Green Arrow style! I can dig it." Alan said, swatting at some imps that were harassing him.

Bubblegum launched the syrup arrow in the center of the flock of imps, where it burst, causing the sticky little jerks to fall flat on their faces. With the vast majority of the imps out of the way, the two made quick work of the eagle trolls before moving on.

"So...Were you always such a friggin' genius?" Alan said, maneuvering the carriage around the sticky imps.

"Pretty much," Bubblegum smiled, leaning back in her seat.

* * *

_Alan eventually pulled the carriage over as the sun got low in the sky._ "Alright, Bubblegum. It's time to break camp. Hand me the tent."

"Tent?"

"Yeah. Didn't you pack a tent?"

"I didn't pack the carriage?"

"Who did?"

"I told the Banana Guards to do it."

As it turned out, the Banana guards are big fans of delegation, and the task was eventually handed down through the entire kingdom until it got to...

"CINNAMON BUN!"

"_I didn't know!_" Bubblegum said defensively. She followed up with, "If it means anything, the Banana Guards are _so_ getting a pay cut."

"Ah, whatever. We'll just use the carriage," Alan said, lighting a campfire and getting ready to cook some stew.

After the stew was cooked, the two talked for a while before climbing into the carriage to sleep. Before they fell asleep, Alan felt the need to say, "Just for the record, this isn't an indicator of romantic interest."

"I didn't think it was. Goodnight Alan," Bubblegum yawned.

"Goodnight...sis."

* * *

_Finn and Jake wandered listlessly around, looking for something to do._ They would have had their daily fight, but Shark had a dentist's appointment, and Science Cat's heart just wasn't in it. "Man, I'm bored." Jake grunted.

"Me too. I wish there was something we could do..."

At that moment, the Ice King flew overhead.

"If yer lookin' for the Princess, she's off on some diplomatic stuff." Jake said.

"Oh. Well, that's a bummer," Ice King said dejectedly, "Hey, you guys seem bored."

"That's 'cuz we are," Finn said.

"Huh. Makes sense..." The Ice King stroked his beard. He snapped his fingers and said, "I got it! How about you guys come over to my place and chill?"

"While I do not approve of that pun, I would do almost anything to end this boredom," Jake said, "_Anything._ Almost."

The Ice King shrugged and picked up Finn and Jake to carry them to his place.

The three touched down on Ice King's balcony and walked into his house, where a table had been set up, cards all laid out for a poker game.

"Uh. Ice King? What's that?" Finn pointed at the table.

"That's poker. It's a really old card game where people trick each other into betting money." Jake explained.

"Oh, that? I always have a poker game on Tuesdays. Sometimes it's with penguins, but this week I have a few other monarchs coming over. If you guys wanna join, I'd be happy to loan you some chips."

"I dunno..." Finn and Jake stroked their chins.

"We don't bet real money. It's for fun!" Ice King shuffled the cards as a few old men in crowns walked in the front door, led by a penguin. "Thank you, Gunther. Would yo be a dear and fetch the chips?"

Finn and Jake shrugged and sat down at the table.

* * *

_Alan and Bubblegum woke up bright and early the next day._ Well, Bubblegum was bright and early; Alan was just up early.

"Morning, Alan."

"Ugh." Alan got out a kettle and some tea leaves.

"Well, you're fun in the morning."

"Hush. I haven't had my tea yet." He cast a small fire spell to boil the tea leaves. After a moment, the kettle whistled and he poured himself a cup of tea.

"Why don't you drink coffee?"

"Taste."

Alan drank his tea, cooked breakfast, and then turned to step into the driver's seat of the carriage. At that moment, a lion wearing a necklace made of goblorc teeth mauled Alan. "Alan!"

Bubblegum took a burning branch and swung it at the lion, trying to get him off of Alan. "Get away from him, you JERK!"

The lion backed off of Alan, not so much out of fear or surprise, so much as wanting to tackle and shut up the loud pink girl. "You don't know who I am, do you?" The lion said, rearing up onto his hind legs and drawing a short sword.

"Not really, no. But I know you're a lion, and lions get hurt when you poke 'em in the eye!" Bubblegum shouted, jabbing the lion in the eye with the flaming stick.

"ARGH! MY EYE! YOU STABBED MY FRIGGN' EYE!" The lion shouted, stumbling back towards the edge of the canyon. Alan stood up, brushed himself off with his not-broken arm, and blasted the lion off the cliff. As they watched the lion fall, they heard him shout, "_No regreeeeeeeeeee-"_ and then a very impressive thud.

"Well. That takes care of _that_. Stupid random encounters..."

"I've been meaning to ask what you meant by that."

"What? Oh...It's an RPG reference. Y'know, random monsters and the like out of nowhere?"

"Oh."

Alan walked over to the carriage and tried to take the reins, but his right arm was broken from the lion attack. "Ow."

"Alan? Maybe I should drive, at least until we can find somebody to heal that break."

"Alright. I suppose we should set this."

* * *

_Bubblegum drove the carriage the rest of the way out of the pass, while Alan took advantage of the spare time to pore over his spellbooks._

"Hey, Bubblegum?"

"Yes, Alan?"

"Would it be weird if I called you Bonnibel?"

"Yeah, it kinda would be."

"Okay. Hey, about how long until we get to the Fire Kingdom?"

"Shouldn't be a few more hours. Why?"

"Well, we'll have to walk once we reach the edge of the kingdom."

"Why? Can't you just cast a spell on the carriage?"

"Well, I would have, but I want to try and conserve energy until my arm gets healed."

"Oh. Alright. Well, what do you have planned?"

"Planned? I was just gonna walk up to the castle, toss a note tied to a rock in the window and run out before I get torched."

"Uh, I really don't think that'd work. At any rate, I have to say something on behalf of the Goblin Prince. The Flame Princess nearly burned down the whole Kingdom!"

"That...does not surprise me."

* * *

_Hours earlier, at Ice King's palace, Finn and Jake played poker with the Ice King, the Mountain King, the Goblin Prince, and the Duke of Nuts._ The Goblin Prince was a tall, slender gentleman with much slighter features than most goblins, and a dull gray complexion.

"Alrighty...I'll see your bet, Finn, and raise you two chips and a penguin." The Ice King said, pushing his bets onto the table.

The Mountain King was also interested, and placed a few chips on the table.

Jake, feeling the most adventurous, laid down _all_ his chips, and his viola.

The Goblin Prince and the Duke wisely folded, and when the hands were laid bare, Jake laughed gleefully: He had a straight flush. He was about to pick up the pot, when Finn laid down his cards.

"Hey guys? What is it when you have an ace, all the people, and a ten with the same little shape?"

"Uh..." Jake looked at Finn's hand for a moment.

"Lucky you! I believe that is a royal flush. That's the highest hand possible!"

"Rhomboidal! C'mere, Gunther. I'm gonna feed you, and pet you, and bathe you, and teach you how to swing a sword!"

Everyone looked at him for a moment.

"What? I always wanted a pet!"

"No, that's cool, it's just...That's Goonder, not Gunther." the Ice King corrected.

"Oh. My bad."

Finn, Jake, and Goonder walked home late that night to find that Party Pat had set up a party in the middle of the meadow next to the Hole Near the Center of the World.

"Finn! Jake! Penguin dude! Welcome to my 'throw stuff into the giant abyss thingy' party!"

Finn, Jake, and Goonder looked at each other for a moment.

"Why would you wanna throw stuff in there?" Finn asked.

"'Cuz it's cool. You wanna try? Here, I got a couple of rocks." Party Pat handed the stones to Finn, Jake, and Goonder.

They shrugged, walked up to the hole, and tossed the rocks in. They fell for about half a minute before they hit the bottom. When they did, there was a flash of colors, much like a fireworks display.

"Whoa. Do you got anything else to throw?" Jake asked.

"Yeah, man. I got all kinds."

The four of them spent the rest of the night tossing stuff down into the hole and watching the patterns of lights, marveling at the strange shapes they saw.

* * *

_Princess Bubblegum and Alan had to leave the carriage behind._ Alan's arm was in an improvised sling. "Alright, the last Flame Shield spell I used when I was here looking for Hambo got me mistaken for their Messiah, so I've been researching alternate version, and I think I have one working."

"Wait, 'mistaken for their Messiah'? How?"

"Long story."

"Alright, whatever. Just cast the spell so we can do this and go home."

Alan took out some red chalk and wrote eldritch symbols in a circle around them. He then said "S_ciath chosanta de lasracha!"_, as the lines burst into flames, sending embers into the air. The embers swirled around Alan and Bubblegum for a moment before falling on them. They disappeared on cantact, and caused their skin to glow with a warm light.

"You know, I've seen you cast spells, but I never understood how they worked," Bubblegum mused.

"Also a long story," Alan responded as they entered the Fire Kingdom.

They walked for a while, the locals largely ignoring them.

"Why are they ignoring us?"

"Well, I took the liberty of interweaving an illusion into the Flame Shield. The light it emits makes us look like Fire Elementals."

"So, you can just make up spells on the fly?" Bubblegum asked as they walked through the city.

"Well, no. It's difficult to make up new spells quickly, so I usually just modify or combine spells out of the box. It's sort of like programming. It's easier to modify existing programs than write from scratch."

"Huh," Bubblegum said, jotting down what Alan was saying.

"...Are you takin' notes?"

"...Yeah? Why?"

"I never figured you for the magical type."

"This is the first time I've seen it presented scientifically. I can't pass up the chance to learn about it!"

"Okay. I'll show you more when we get home," Alan said, as they neared the Fire Palace, "But right now, we gotta focus."

They stood at the door of the Castle. A guard stood before them.

"Who be you?" He asked.

"I, er, uh..." Alan stumbled for a moment.

"We are Lord and Lady Morningstar, emissaries from the Sun." Bubblegum said, saving their bacon.

"Ah! It is good to receive visitors from our esteemed brethren! Would the Lord and his Lady step this way, please?"

"Oh, no, we're not married," Alan said, "We're just siblings."

"Oh. My apologies, sir," The guard bowed.

"No problem. You can make up for it by sending for a healer. I have been injured on the way here."

"Yes, sir."

The guard hollered down the hall, and a tall fire elemental in white robes walked up. "Healing for the gentleman?"

He placed his hand on Alan's arm, and Alan felt a momentary warmth spread through his body as his bones knit.

"Amazing! Using heat and magical energy to stimulate cellular mitosis!" Alan said, feeling his newly-healed arm.

"You may feel some stiffness occasionally, but it should pass."

"Thank you, good healer."

Alan and Bubblegum continued to the Main Hall. In the Hall, the Flame King was sitting on his throne, watching a small group of minstrels play a sprightly wind number. A guard walked in and announced, "Visitors, from the Solar Realms!"

The king turned to face Alan and Bubblegum. "Oh goody! Friends from the-" He stopped as he recognized Alan. Apparently, the illusion was not quite strong enough to fool the King. "Wait! I know you! You punched my little girl in the gut!"

"Yes, and-"

"Seize him!"

The guards turned and advanced on Alan. They were not very friendly.

"Wait! I came to apologize!" Alan shouted.

"Apologize? For attacking a Princess!"

"Yes. I know what I did was wrong, and I understand that you will probably never trust me, but I wanted to at least come back and make amends on some basic level. Is there any way you could forgive me?"

"Yes. I don't trust you," the Flame King said, "Toss him and his friend in the fight pits."

"Okay, fine. But could you at least leave my friend out of this? She's innocent in all this."

"She impersonated a Noble."

"She's a PRINCESS!"

"We do not recognize foreign nobility. Take them away."

"Craaaaaaaaaa-Mpf!" Alan had a rag stuffed in his mouth.

The rag distracted him enough to momentarily break his concentration on Bubblegum's Flame Shield. She squawked as her skin was bared to the elements momentarily, burning her. That was when Alan got mean. He wrestled his left arm loose from the guards and blasted the other with it, running up to free Bubblegum.

"Stop them!" the King shouted.

Alan subdued the guards carrying Bubblegum, tore off his sleeve to wrap her burn, and they both ran to the exit. They were stopped by guards.

"Listen here," Alan bluffed, "I may not be able to stop you guys, but I can sure bring this tower down!"

"He's bluffing! Smokus Pokus!" the King shouted, as smoke flew from his hand, surrounding and subduing Alan and Bubblegum.

* * *

_The two woke up in chains in a courtroom._ "REALLY? Another courtroom!" Alan shouted.

"Yes. Now the charges against you are severe, and so the punishments shall be," the Flame King said.

"Wait, what do you mean another?" Bubblegum asked with one eyebrow raised.

"You don't remember? The court trial? Right in the middle of the battle with the Arachneurges?"

"No."

"And the snail went psycho?"

"I have no idea what you are talking about."

"Nevermind. What are the charges?"

"You are outsiders. You do not get to hear your charges or defend yourselves." the Flame King said.

"What! That's ridiculous!"

"Listen. Unless the Azure One himself comes down here, you're going to burn!"

At that very moment, a bright blue phoenix appeared in the center of the courtroom. its flames died away to reveal a ghost of a man of African Descent, crackling with blue flames.

"Huh. I honestly did not expect that," the Flame King said.

"I did," Alan snarked, "Last minute Deus Ex Machina? Par for the course."

"Shut up. I'm only here at Merlin's behest. Listen here! I don't care what you do, but don't kill them. I have friends who want them alive."

"Wha...Is this the-"

"No, this is not the Second Coming. I'm not 'Fire Jesus', I'm just a wizard. Quit acting like I'm God. It's annoying, and I don't like answering prayers."

"But what of the power our prayers give you, Phoenix Lord?"

"I don't want power! I just wanna pass on! And you jerks won't let me!"

While this back and forth continued, Bubblegum took a hairpin out of, well, her hair, and opened the lock on her chain. She went to Alan, freed him, and they crept out of the room. They hurried back to the carriage, out of the Fire Kingdom, and back to the Candy Kingdom at double pace. "So tell me, _why would you ever want to do that!_" Bubblegum asked as they sped home.

"I punched a little girl! I didn't wanna get caught on some "Start of Darkness" thing, so I tried to atone ahead of time!"

"Well it was a bad idea!"

"I know!" Alan shouted defensively, as he noticed the smell of sulfur. They were followed. They looked back to see a fire elemental on their tail.

"What now?" Bubblegum asked.

"Any Freezing arrows?"

"No! We used those on the Barbarian Wombats!"

"Shoot. Hey! Is that Finn and Jake?" Alan said, noticing Finn and Jake walking home with Goonder after a long night of throwing stuff down a hole. "Finn! Jake! A little help?"

"Hey! It's Alan and Bubblegum!" Finn said, snapping fully awake.

"And they're being chased!" Jake pointed out. He grabbed a boulder and spun it around with his outstretched arms like an Olympic Hammer-toss. He released it and reeled his arms back in, as the boulder clobbered the elemental.

"Thanks, guys!" Alan shouted behind himself as he steered the carriage back into the Candy Kingdom. He hopped out of the driver's seat, and ran to the back to check on Bubblegum. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"Let me see your burn," Alan carefully removed the makeshift bandage. The skin beneath it was dark and shiny. "Ooh, that's gonna caramelize."

"No worries. I heal pretty easily."

"Okay. Well...I guess I should get back to house hunting."

"Yeah."

"Hey, uh, if you wanted to learn some more about magic, we could, I dunno, hang for a little longer."

"I'd like nothing more, but I have to get back to my duties. Another time?"

"Okay..." Alan said dejectedly. He went to go see what Finn and Jake were up to.

"Hey, Alan," Finn yawned, "Wassup?"

"Wanna hear a story?"

"Why not?" Finn shrugged as he, Jake, and Goonder sat down in from of Alan. Alan began to sing, as he produced an illusory guitar.

"This is the greatest song in the world...Tribute..."


	13. Standard Wacky Racing Homage

_[While not technically necessary, I would like if more people gave reviews. It'd help me be a better writer, and I like to know what readers think of my work. So, please review? Kthxbai. Oh yeah, and thanks for 1,000 hits!]_

_Finn and Jake were exploring an old tunnel near the Candy Kingdom, where strange sounds were heard in the night._ "So what do ya think it is, dude?" Finn pondered, holding his sword in ready position.

"I dunno. The Candy People said they heard clanking and growling," Jake answered.

"Clanking?"

"It's like clanging, only clunkier."

"I know, man," Finn chuckled, "But...why would there be clanking in a dungeon?"

"I dunno. Busted AC?"

"Dude, it's freezing in here."

"Okay, busted heater?"

Finn stopped and pondered for a moment, "...Maybe. Hey, I think I hear clanking!"

A loud _Clank, clank, clank!_ floated down the halls, as Finn and Jake smelled hot metal and roaring coal fire. They followed the smell and the sounds into a large room filled with big men pounding metal.

"Uh, hello?"

Everybody turned and stopped their work for a moment, and then shouted excitedly, "CUSTOMERS!"

"Customers?" Jake repeated confusedly.

"Yes Mr. Dog! We're blacksmiths! We smith black!" A green, muscular man said, waving toward his anvil.

"Oooookay. Well, uh, you've been keeping the Candy People up at night with your clanking and growling. Do ya think you guys could keep it down?" Finn asked.

"Sure. The name's Green Guy, by the way. Hey, you wanna see my newest project?" Green Guy asked.

Finn and Jake looked at each other and shrugged.

"Okay," They both said in unison.

Green Guy led them down a hall to a slightly smaller room which had many large objects covered in tarps. He walked up to one of the tarps and pulled it away...

"Whoooooooa!" Finn and Jake said in unison.

The tarp was hiding a super awesome race car!

"Do ya like it? I've been working on them for a while, but my boss says I have to get rid of them to clear more storage room for battleaxes," Green explained.

"This is mathin' sweet!" Finn said, rubbing the chassis. It was cobalt blue, with a black stripe down the middle.

"You can have it, and the others. Name your price!"

"Free!" Jake immediately said.

"Shoot! Why do I always say 'Name your own price!'?" Green irked as he handed the keys to Jake.

Finn and Jake turned and looked giddily at each other.

* * *

_Alan and Marceline were sitting under a tree._ Alan was reading a spellbook, and Marceline was strumming her bass.

"Hey, do you know Stairway?" Alan asked, not looking away from his book.

"Nah, that's more for regular guitar."

"Huh. I guess you're right. What about 'Come On Eileen'?"

"Uh...That's for violin."

"Oh, yeah. God of Thunder?"

"That's one I _do_ know," Marceline said, as she started playing.

"Cool."

It was at this very moment that Finn and Jake screeched up to them in their brand new race car. Jake was behind the wheel, because Finn was still too young to drive. "Hey, guys! We just got a bunch of race cars for free! You want one?"

Alan and Marceline glanced at each other and shrugged.

"Sure, why not?" Marceline said.

"Great! You can have the red one!" Finn said, motioning to a blood red car with spoilers and silver flames on the hood.

Eventually, Finn and Jake had distributed cars to everyone, Bubblegum, BMO, Ice King, Lumpy Space Princess, and even Lemongrab (who was entirely clueless about what was going on...). It was at this point that Finn decided, "Hey guys! Let's have a race!"

Everyone looked at each other and murmured for a bit before finally deciding to go along with it.

"Oh, boy. Time for 'Wacky Racing'." Alan snarked. He was in the passenger seat of Marceline's car, as he didn't know how to drive.

"Wacky Racing?" Marceline raised her eyebrow.

"Man, that fifty-year difference will get ya every time," Alan grumbled as the racers drove off to the Desert.

* * *

_When everyone arrived at the Desert Henge, Peppermint Butler stepped in front of the racers in blue jeans and a wife-blesser._ "The rules of the race are as follows:

No causing direct harm to other racers or their cars; And, uh...That's about it. First one to make it through the Badlands, to the coast, and back here, wins this."

Pepps held up a small package marked "_Snack Cakes_".

"Are the racers ready?"

"Hold on! Applying sunscreen!" Alan said, while Marceline spread sunscreen on her arms and face.

Peppermint Butler tapped his foot impatiently for a moment.

"Ready!" Marceline said.

"Ready," Pepbuts raised his checkered flag.

Everyone leaned forward as they started their engines.

"GO!" He waved the flag as the cars sped off the starting line.

Jake floored the gas, screaming down the way. Peppermint was left coughing by the dust clouds of over half a dozen race cars.

The race was underway, and Team Finn and Jake had taken an early lead. Suddenly, behind them Princess Bubblegum and the Ice King were both on the approach, preparing to pass. Finn looked into the rearview mirror to see the Ice King readying a spell!

"Jake! Look out!" Finn shouted, as he grabbed the wheel. Their car swerved, narrowly avoiding a patch of Ice that the Ice King created to "give them the slip". They barely managed to get back on track before Bubblegum pressed the advantage and took the lead, bumptiously blowing a kiss as she went. Team Marceline and the Lemon-Mobile were close behind. Marceline was driving at full tilt, much to the terror of her co-pilot, Alan. "Jesus Christ! You nearly ran that fox down!"

"He's fine. Shoot!" Marceline yelled.

"What?"

"That Lemon guy took the lead!"

"I can fix that. Yo, Lemongrab!"

"WHAT!" The Earl shouted back.

"You have a stain on your shirt!"

"WHAAT! A STAIN! MLEEEEEUUGH! UNACCEPTABLE!" Lemongrab screamed as he pulled over to check his shirt. He turned so hard his car nearly flipped.

Marceline laughed as she continued to scream down the road. Jake recovered from the Ice King's ice patch trick and quickly caught up with the other racers. Bubblegum was fighting for the lead with BMO, who was driving via a direct computer uplink. BMO locked gazes with Bubblegum before gunning the engine, daring her to try and stop him. She took the dare, and swerved in front of BMO, blocking his attempt to get ahead, when up from behind, Marceline and her terrified cohort took the lead. Alan then took out a rolled- up paper and read from it: _"Gaiste Ola!"_ as a small oil slick bubbled up from the ground. Bubblegum and BMO hit the slick and skidded madly across the track, as the Ice King and Jake jumped the both of them on an Ice Ramp.

"Nice oil slick, Alan!" Marceline said.

"No problem! We're lucky there was an oil pocket under the track!" Alan responded, as a shadow passed over them.

"Whee! I'm king of the track!" The Ice King shouted, as his car landed hard on the road in front of Marceline's. He then threw out and ice slick behind himself while Gunther took the wheel. Gunther, who lacked any ability to see over the wheel due to his stature, quickly lost control of the vehicle and sent it spinning into a boulder.

"Haha! Dick Dastardly stops to cheat!" Alan shouted as he thumbed his nose at the Ice King, who had been protected by his beard and an airbag.

"Aw, man! I was really hungry!" The Ice King whined, cursing his luck for not getting Gunther a booster seat.

Finn and Jake soon came up on Marceline and Alan. Marceline stuck out her tongue at them as she pushed her car for more power. Jake pumped as much gas into the engine as he tried to break their stalemate. "Finn! Push some buttons!"

Finn looked at the many buttons on the dashboard and pushed a big red button marked "TURBO". The car lurched forward as if if had been poked in the behind by Satan's own pitchfork, leaving a _Back-to-the-Future_-style trail of flames behind it.

"Holy cow! How did they do that!" Marceline shouted, becoming ever more determined to pull ahead.

Meanwhile, about 50 miles back, at the starting line, Turtle Princess and Lumpy Space Princess were just finished with their makeup and were set to go. "Alright, _girlfrieeeeend_, let's get ready to rock!"

She turned the key, but her non-existent feet couldn't hit the pedal.

"Uh, LSP? I think I should drive."

"NO! It's _mah_ car, and _Ah'm_ gonna drive!"

"But, you can't-"

"_Mah car!_" LSP shouted.

Turtle Princess "hrumphed" in annoyance as LSP tried to get the car going.

Back at the front of the race, Finn and Jake were screaming along as Lemongrab, who had a spare shirt, screamed literally and figuratively along the track, his car fueled by a mix of gasoline and madness. "RYEEEAAAARGH!" he wailed as he slowly gained on Finn and Jake.

"Holy moly, Finn! He's gainin'!" Jake shouted, as he glanced in his mirror.

"I know! What other gadgets do we have?" Finn asked.

"I dunno! There wasn't a manual!"

"Yes there was! You used it as a napkin!"

"It was BORING! JUST MASH BUTTONS!" Jake screamed, terrified at the rabid look on Lemongrab's face.

Finn followed Jake's advice, and mashed random buttons. The carlaunched three flairs, started playing rock music, grew wings, dropped said wings, and then turned orange. And then it started bouncing along the track on springs.

"Huh. That'll work, I guess," Jake said,as they began to approach the coast. That's when Marceline and Alan caught up under the effects of a weak Haste spell.

"Can you make this any faster?" Marceline shouted over the din of her car's overworked engine.

"I'm givin' 'er all ah cahn, Cap'n! I cannae change the laws of physics!" Alan shouted, giving his best Scotty impression.

"Why are you talking like that!"

"Didn't you ever watch Star Trek?"

"Okay! So no dice?"

"Not unless you want the engine to-"

**Boom!**

The engine then overheated. "-overheat."

"Crap. Alright, looks like we'll have to 'Flintstone' it!" Marceline said, hopping out of the car. She opened the hood and ripped out the guts of the car, until all that was left was the bare chassis.

"It is so hot that you can do that." Alan said, marvelling at Marceline's incredible strength.

"Shut up and start casting, Alan!" Marceline said, as she rammed her feet through the floor of the car.

"Yes ma'am! _TÉIGH!_" Alan shouted excitedly as Marceline propelled the car forward. Bubblegum was coming up behind, followed by BMO and Lemongrab, as the four of them vied to pass each other and Finn and Jake. Finn saw the chaos behind them and said, "Hey Jake! I think we should hit some more buttons!"

"Then do it, man!" Jake shouted, doing his best to turn the bouncing Pogo Car around and head back toward the finish.

Finn nodded and pressed a series of buttons. A grappling hook flew uselessly into the air, some more flares flew out, the car grew an outboard boat motor, and then it started meowing.

"Nothing?" Jake said.

"Nope!" Finn replied, as the other four racers quickly began to close in.

The finish line was in sight of the five front-most racers as Turtle Princess finally lost her last shred of patience, tossed LSP in the back seat, slammed the gas, and screamed at the top of her lungs, "ROAD RAAAAAAAAAAAAGE!" She took off like a rocket, before realizing that the remaining racers were head straight along the track in the opposite direction. Everyone was moving so quickly that by the time anybody noticed Turtle Princess, they had no time to stop. Thus, they had a six-car pileup. Jake was wrapped around the front axle of Bubblegum's car, Bubblegum's gum airbag had popped and cocooned Marceline, Alan's head was put through Lemongrab's steering wheel, Lemongrab's shoes were scuffed (oh, and there were a few chips missing from his head), Finn was put through a tire sideways (i.e. impaling the sides instead of going through the middle hole), Marceline was literally caught in the headlights, with a headlight casing surrounder her neck like some automotive Elizabethan collar, and Bubblegum was tangled in a bunch of seatbelts. LSP and Turtle Princess hid in Turtle Princess's shell. Alan, Finn, Marceline, and Bubblegum were still in decent enough shape to try and make a mad dash for the finish. Alan and Finn were ahead, with Marceline and Bubblegum following. Marceline would have beaten all of them, but she really didn't care enough to try. As Alan was about to cross the finish, Finn tackled him and tried to wrestle him to the ground. the two rolled about on the ground, fighting madly over the relatively minor prize. and then BMO walked up to the finish line and tugged on Peppermint Butler's pant leg.

"It appears we have a winner!" Peppers said, waving the checkered flag. BMO held up his tasty treat (which he could not actually eat), and did a little victory dance while playing an 8-bit version of "U Can't Touch This".

"What?" Everyone said as they turned to look at BMO.

"Do not worry, guys. I will share."

So BMO distributed the snack cakes among all the racers, and when they were done, they all lined up for photos. Marceline warned, "Uh, I'm a vampire, Pepps. I won't show up on film."

"No matter. It's digital!"

Right as Peppermint Butler took the picture, Alan, still having the steering wheel wrapped around his neck, decided to lean in and kiss Marceline. In the photograph immediately after, it could be seen that Alan had just been kicked in the shin. And that is why Alan tread carefully from that point on when it came to advances toward Marceline.


	14. You Remind Me of the Plot Device!

_Finn and Jake stood at the edge of the Ice Kingdom, looking at the Ice King's house, which was under frenzied construction by the penguins._ It was at that very moment that Alan and the Flame Princess screamed smoking across the skies, followed by...things which are rather impossible to describe using modern geometry. They were rightfully confused, and gave chase, trying to avoid looking too closely at Alan and FP's pursuers.

"Flame Princess! What's going on?"

"Well, I'm not really sure, but these guys aren't happy with whatever we did!"

"Help us, you idiot!" Alan added, not reactingly well to being carried. Or the Eldritch Abominations who were chasing him. That really didn't help.

"Alright! I guess it's..." Finn began, as he hopped on Jake's extending back

"ADVENTURE TIME!" Finn and Jake both said, as Finn swung his sword at one of the things.

* * *

_Five hours earlier..._

Alan and Princess Bubblegum sat beneath a tree in the Cotton Candy Forest reading.

"Hey PB?" Alan said over an Eoin Colfer novel.

"Yes?"

"Are you sure you don't remember that court thingy?"

"Yes."

"And you still call me Domovoi?"

"I'm sorry, what?"

"Oh, uh...sorry," Alan apologized, "Sometimes I mix up my words with what I'm reading when I talk. What I meant was 'And you still think I dreamt it?'"

"Yes. Why would my answer have changed?"

"Well, you see, I-HOLY CRAP IT'S THE SNAIL," Alan jumped back as the Lich!Snail stopped and waved at him.

"Wha? Oh, him? I keep tellign you, he's just a snail. He hangs around with Finn and Jake, and he's harmless," PB said, dismissing Alan's fear.

"Wha-bu-Argh...I hate being the only sane person who can see the snail's aura." Alan irked, getting up to go to his closet.

"Where are you going?" PB asked.

"If you'd read the dang text, you'd know I was heading to the closet."

* * *

_"Ah, here we go,"_ Alan sighed with relief, certain that the snail could not break the wards he had over his closet. The one thing he always thought he'd miss most is how easy it was to protect his closet, and how much more of a pain in the butt it would be to protect the house was planning to move into. Nothing big, single bedroom, single bathroom. All single.

Alan then finished his book and put it back on his bookshelf. And then he turned to see the Snail on his bed.

"Shi-I-What," Alan was at a loss for words. The wards he put up were designed to hold back archdemons and seraphim, and a snail had crossed them?

The Snail stared at Alan for a moment, before slowly raising his stubby little arms.

"Holy crap! What the Hell are you?"

The Snail remained silent, and held his hands over his head, the smile on his face replaced with a gaze so cold that the fires of Hell woul be put out by it.

"What are you!"

The Snail murmured as pure darkness formed between his hands.

"_What are you!_" Alan shouted a final time.

"Death." The Snail calmly answered, as he threw the ball of darkness at Alan. Alan had to think fast, and barely had the time to shout "_Tharraingt asal!"_ He had just uttered the words and begun to fade out of the closet when the orb hit him mid-teleport. He was immaterial enough to avoid injury, but he did not end up in the Cotton Candy Forest like he planned.

* * *

_Alan opened his eyes to see that the Cotton Candy Forest was not high on his list of likely locations._ He landed in some sort of strange non-Euclidean null-space, an infinetesimal macrocosm, a non-dimesional point. In short, a very weird place. He tried to move, but found that no matterwherehe tried to be, he was already there. He turned his head and bumped into himself. He would have said a long string of very rude words, but he already said them, was saying them, and would say them. So he just sat. Then suddenly the universe exploded/is exploding/will explode into multiple dimensions, making everything far more convenient for Alan. It was when the photons finally figured out how to move that Alan noticed another person floating in the void: The Flame Princess.

"Hey! Flame Princess!" Alan shouted across the emptiness.

"Huh?" FP turned around, "YOU!"

"Yeah. Me. Any idea where we are?"

"Wait, I thought you did this."

"I may be a jerk, but I'm not evil. I got sent here by a teleport screwup."

At that moment, a small point of light appeared in the void.

"Oh! Hello, little point of light! What are you?" Alan asked.

"Hungry." The light answered, as it grew into a tentacled beast with more teeth than the Osmond family. Alan's face changed from interest into a bizarre mixture of terror and scientific fascination.

The beast then leaped forward at Alan, who drifted left and fire a few energy bolts. The bolts didn't seem to injure it, but it was stunned.

_Huh,_ Alan thought, _High concentrations of neutrinos seem to disrupt it._ The beast shook off the bolts and charged the Flame Princess, who reflexively through a small brrage of fireballs. The beast was slowed, but not stopped. It grabbed FP and was about to have a hot meal when Alan shouted "_Stailc Cosmaí!"_ releasing a punishing blast of energy on the creature. The creature screamed the sort of scream one would imagine hearing if you shot Cthulhu in the groin with a cosmic six-shooter and flew off in search of an easier meal. Alan then drifted wearily over to Flame Princess and asked, "Are you alright?"

"Yes. Are you?"

"Uh. Maybe? Ah'm kinda driftin' in an' out..." Alan said, his Alabama accent coming through.

"Hey! Listen!" Another bright point shouted, floating up to Alan and FP.

"Aw, not agin." Alan slurred, about to faint.

"No, worries, friend! I am a Seelie!"

"Oh. Goody." Alan said, finally passing out.

* * *

_The Snail had thought he destoyed Alan, seeing no physical or magical traces of him._ He then move to look through his bookshelves, until he found a book whose title was not readable by non-magical beings, and can be best rendered on a computer as "Ω∑∫≠≠●▪◦□Ѫ͡ ▒ℓ" and then a Batman symbol. Except upside down. And you if you looked at the real title for too long, you'd turn into something nasty. He then quietly teleported away with it, leaving the faint smell of death in the room.

"Alan! Are you feeling okay? I found a few spellbooks you might be interested in at the library!" PB called down the corridor as she walked toward his closet door. She opened it, and found an empty room.

"Huh. He must've left," She said as she walked away, "He needs to clean up in there. That closet stinks."

* * *

_Alan awoke in what looked like an old stone hall of a great castle, but he knew better than to believe that._ He opened his Wizard Eyes and immediately gave himself a powerful headache, due to the bizarre extradimensional geometry of the room. He decided to stick to 3-D viewing from that point on. He got himself up off of the floor and looked around. "Hello?" He called into the empty hall.

At that moment a cube with exactly three million, six hundred twenty-eight thousand, eight hundred faces appeared, along with Alan's headache.

"Oh! My apologies! I left you too far zork the hall! Silly me!" the cube said, as the hall began to twist and contort itself along unkown axes, before Alan and the cube found themselves in a warmly lit version of the hall, filled with strange-looking beings ranging from wispy lines of shadowstuff to God-defying multi-shaped beings. The ultra-cube itself twisted and warped into a humanoid form, made of haze and light, before solidifying into a young man who could be best described as "pretty", in that he lacked the masculine features required to be called handsome. He had long, pointed ears and flowing blond hair, and a cheeky grin that said, "Sla'A! Kluhl F'Tag'Na!" If you were a faerie, you probably have the same kind of grin, but to most mortals it just comes off as eerily attractive and existentially troubling.

"Hi there! My name is pretty much unpronounceable, even by Fey standards, fo how about you call me," and the Fair Folk finished with a bizarre string of disjointed consonants and orphan vowels that sounded like they had just survived a nuclear holocaust and were forming haphazard tribes to fight off mutated marauders.

"Uh...I get the feeling that you're new to the whole 'mortal name' thing, huh?" Alan said, trying not to go insane from paying the fairy's name any attention.

"Yeah, lemme try again!" he said, preparing for another battle with Alan's ears.

"No! I mean, uh, how 'bout I call you Fred?"

"Oh! Fred sounds positively _fabulous_! My name is...Fred! Welcome to the Seelie Court!"

"Seelie. Okay, I suppose that's good. Where's Flame Princess?"

"Oh, she's fine. I have to say, I'n glad to finally meet you!"

"Finally?"

"Yeah, I'm a big fan! Like that time you punched Flame Princess, or when you deflected that slush ball? Or when the Lich blasted you here? Classic Alan!"

"Fan?" Alan was very confused.

"Oh, yeah! We've been following your story for centuries. Or minutes. Weeks? Meters?" The phairie mused, "I was never good at judging distances. And you mortals are so strange, having a whole new set of words for temporal distance..."

"Listen, I don't have time for this. Where's FP?"

"Oh, you have plenty of time! When you leave this world for your own, it'll return you when it's most dramatic!"

"I...Bu...You...Just take me to the Flame Princess."

Fred led Alan down a hall way where the Flame Princess was putting on her best wildfire impression, screaming at the fay who were only trying to ask her what she wanted for lunch. "WHERE AM I!"

"FP!"

"WHAT!" Flame Princess screamed, nearly incinerating a particularly unlucky rock gnome.

"Flame Princess, they're Seelies!"

"What does _that_ mean?" She lobbed a fireball at a nixie.

"They're friendly! And they don't want to eat us!"

Flame Princess then cooled down. "Oh? Okay. Sorry I torched you guys."

"Huh." Alan said.

"What?" The Flame Princess asked in response.

"I didn't know you could apologize."

"Shut up."

* * *

_Princess Bubblegum walked past the Snail, who was reading his pilfered book._ PB was headed to her lab to do some research on strange matter, and did not notice the strange title of the book in the Snail's little hands. He read the eldritch pages and began to formulate a dastardly plan, but to enact it, he'd need to get into that lab. Moments later in the other room, PB had just gotten cleaned up and ready to go into her lab.

Inside the lab, there were dozens of large panels on the wall filled with buttons. PB put on here goggles and pressed a few buttons, and then turned to a pedestal in the center of the room which held a globe covered with advanced electronics, with a single viewing window.

"Alright," PB said into a voice recorder, "Strange matter generation test 1: high-pressure."

The Snail slowly crept into the room while Bubblegum was manipulationg the panels on the wall in preparation.

"Preparing to dissolve strong-force bonds in three."

The snail climbed up the far side of the pedestal, out of the Princess's sight.

"Two."

The snail prepared a small, hexagonal blue bottle with ancient sigils carved into its sides.

"One, zero. Dissolving color charge."

The globe began to hum and whirr, giving off an unnatural light. The water inside popped and hissed as it dissolved into a haze of elementary particles. As the globe calmed, the haze began to cool. As the haze cooled, the globe began to buzz, filtering out all the leptons and neutrinos and other bizarre particles beyond imagining. The haze finally cooled into a small orb of grey liquid, held in place and out of contact of the inside of the chamber by both the strong-force manipulators that created it, and a powerful electromagnetic field. When the orb had formed, the Snail quietly whipered as some of the liquid disappeared from the globe and reformed inside his bottle. He focused his mind for a moment and then teleported silently out of the lab.

Bubblegum, excited to see the results of her experiments, immediately walked over to the globe. She did her best not to explode with full-on nerd-pleasure at the fact that she had created stable quark matter. She giggled before picking up the globe and moving it to her mantle. She sniffed the air and smelled the same smell she smelled in Alan's room. "Meh. Probably just ionization."

* * *

_Alan and the Flame Princess stood before the King and Queen of the Seelie Court, Oberon and Tatiana._ "Welcome, young mortals, to our court," Oberon said warmly.

"Well, uh, I'm not so young. I'm actually a millennarian," Alan corrected.

"Only a thousand?"

"...I just realized how little that means to you," Alan said.

"Where are we?" Flame Princess asked.

"Why, you are in the realm of Faery, little Emberfolk." Oberon answered.

"Fairy?"

"No, Phary."

"Fairy?"

"No, I said Fairie!" Oberon said mischeviously.

"Oberon, stop teasing the mortals. You know they can't discern the difference," Tatiana rolled her eyes.

"I still don't know why we're here." Flame Princess said testily, her fire beginning to glow hotter.

"Accident. Narrative obligations. Bananas. It matters not. What matters is that you are here, and you can go on adventure for us!"

"Narrative...Is this all just some sort of story to you?" Alan asked.

"Everything is a story. I've actually been following you and your friends for a while. I'm a real fan..."

"Ah. Would you care for an auto-"

"Of your friend, Finn."

"Oh. Okay," Alan looked somewhat crestfallen, "I guess I can see that. He is pretty bad-A."

"So how do we get home?" FP was becoming increasingly impatient.

"Well, you see, due to the fact that it'd be more dramatic, the portal home is in the Unseelie Court's domain. At its centre. And heavily guarded."

"Well, duh. Alright, these guys are gonna be way too tough for me to handle on my own," Alan turned to FP, "So we'll have to train you so you can come with."

"What? Why?" Flame Princess flared up indignantly.

"You have no control, and that's especially dangerous here, because you can tip off Fair Folk to our presence any time you sneeze."

"Oh, splendid! A training montage!"

* * *

_Alan and the Flame Princess stood in a large, empty room._ Alan prepared a Flame Shield before walking up to FP. "Now. Hit me, but don't burn me."

"What? How? I'm made of fire!"

"That's no excuse. C'mon, I know you wanna hit me. Do it."

Flame Princess then slapped Alan in the face. He didn't even flinch as the Flame Shield absorbed the heat.

"That was pathetic. Control your power! Again!"

FP threw a punch to Alan's chest, knocking him on his feet. His Flame Shield easily sponged the energy away.

"This isn't working. How about I hit you," Alan said as he walked to the opposite side of the room. He flung a bolt of energy, shouting, "Avoid it!"

Flame Princess ignored his directions and tried to blast the bolt down. It ignored the flames and caught her squarely in the stomach. FP grunted as she was propelled across the room. She had no time to complain as a series of bolts flew at her from the tips of Alan's fingers. She tried to knock them out of the air, but it was no good. The fact that the force bolts were made of, well, _force_ made them immune to fire. Flame Princess was not amused by this and flared up.

"You don't get it! You can't just destroy these! You can't burn them or scare them! They're untouchable!" He let loose a flurry of bolts before finally switching tactics as FP simply tried to blast them down. He closed his eyes and focused on FP, saying"_greim oighreata_". She was immediately brought out of the air as an icy fog surrounded her.

"Entropy. Cold. Death. The universe see the energy you have inside you. Inside me. Inside everything! It wants it! It will do anything it can to steal it!" Alan shouted as FP began to shiver, her flames growing weaker.

"The universe is steling from you! Are you going to let it!? Focus your mind! Build a wall, and stand at its gate! You see the universe knocking at the door and you stand resolute. You tell the universe, 'Go to Hell. This energy is MINE.'"

The Flame Princess was on the verge of going out, when the words Alan said finally made it through. She saw the world taking her warmth, her energy, her very life-force. And she was sick of it. With a burst of defiance, she burst into a raging inferno, and then quickly focused her energy into her center. She was no longer a wildfire of emotion. She controlled the fire, no longer did it control her. She then threw of the effects of the spell, and punched Alan square in the jaw, knocking out on of the artificial teeth that replaced those he lost when Fionna punched him. The Flame Shield was unaffected, having no fire to absorb.

"Hahaha! You did it!" Alan said, patting FP's back. Flame Princess smiled, very proud of herself. Alan prepared for them to leave for the Unseelie Court, after popping the tooth back into his mouth. As they left, they were followed by Fred, who had apparently been assigned to follow them and provide comic relief.

* * *

_The trio set off across the void, which formed itself into a many-colored forest, filled with exotic animals and entrancing lights._ Alan decided to make small talk to occupy this point in the narrative until the next important scene came up.

"So, Fred. What was that about a Lich?"

"Oh, nothing. You'll probably figure it out in a later chapter."

"How do you know this isn't supposed to be the part of the story where I learn it?"

"Doesn't feel right. When you've read and written as many stories as me, you get a feel for it."

"But doesn't it kind of riun the narrative when the characters are aware of it?"

"Deadpool."

"Ah. I see," Alan nodded as he looked at the forest, whose light came not through the canopy, but through the ground.

Flame Princess decided to start talking, "Okay, I've been meaning to ask, but how did I get here?"

"You don't remember? Ugh. I hate amnesia expositions," Fred said before flashing back.

* * *

_Flame Princess was flying around the meadow when she saw the hole in the center of the world._ She could see the warmth of it and was drawn to it like a moth to a flamethrower. She floated down into the hole and saw a bright light that she mistook for a flame, hypnotizing her with its dazzling light.

Then when she touched the light, she found herself in a unidimensional point, which Fred will not go into for the convenience of the readers.

* * *

_"I'll admit, I thought it was pretty stupid, even for a mortal,"_ Fred said, ending the flashback.

Before the Flame Princess could respond, the group was beset by a group of Lovecraftian monsters.

Alan immediately turned and shouted "_fiaradh_", forcing the creaturs to stay in their mortally comprehensible forms.

"Ah! Using a falsehood spell to protect your sanity from their ture forms! Clever monkey!" Fred said, stepping back to watch the fight.

FP folowed up on Alan' spell with a fireball, scorching the beasts and a couple of trees, who immediately ran home to put on burn ointment.

Alan tumbled past one of the creatures and goaded it into attacking, before ducking and making it latch onto a tree. He made quick work of it with a bolt of electricity.

The two remaining creatures realized they were fighting the heroes of astory and immediately ran/floated/zeeblarkled off.

"Well, that was worth a few experience points," Fred said as the three continued their walk.

"Yes. Ha ha ha. We all love RPG references," Alan said, desperately wishing that Fred would shut up.

They continued through the forest until they came upon a clearing filled with jovial sprites, singing, dancing, and feasting. At the center of the clearing was a large bonfire.

"Ooh! That looks fun!" Fred said, drifting into the midst of the party. Flame Princess was about to follow, but Alan grabbed her shoulder, mildly burning his hand.

"Flame Princess, I would advise against that," Alan warned.

"Why?"

"I've heard many tales of people feasting with the Fair Folk and forgetting who they were. They were powerless to stop themselves as they lost their hearts and minds to the debauchery of the Fay," Alan explained. As he reached the end of his spiel, he realized that FP had already walked off.

"Why? Why do I have to be the only grown-up in all of Ooo?" Alan said indignantly as he went to go fetch Flame Princess.

Flame Princess flew off to join in the fun, seeing the light and energy of the Fairies. The bonfire then stood and stepped out of the pit in which it stood, and took the form of a tall and handsome young Jinn. He walked over to the Flame Princess and took her hand, "Hello. My name is Jamal."

"Hello. I'm the Flame Princess."

"A lovely name. Would you like to dance?"

FP blushed, although she wasn't sure why. She was certain she had no interest in this man, but for some reason, she was unable to say "no".

Jamal motioned to a group of satyrs, who began to play an otherworldy waltz.

The Flame Princess was entranced. She was sure she was forgetting something, some nagging bit of responsibility hanging on for dear life to the back of her mind, as Jamal's burning eyes held her in their gaze.

"Flame Princess!" Alan shouted, trying to break the trance. She didn't seem to hear. Alan rolled up his sleeves and said, "Well. Time to be the party pooper."

Alan then walked up to the band of satyrs and looked for the biggest, most obvious instrument he could find. He then yanked it out of the satyr's hand and immediately wailed away on it, making it screech and honk and crackle, ruining the song's spell.

Flame Princess snapped out of it and saw Jamal for what he really was: an ugly, smoldering creature, hunched and deformed. She pushed him back down into the pit, snarling in disgust and anger. Alan stop squealing on his instrument for a moment to say, "Alrighty! Clear out, or I'll keep playing!"

Not even the Pharies could ever misinterpret the sounds he was making as music, and happily left instead of hearing any more. Fred was left sitting on a toadstool, mildly annoyed. "Come on, Fred. Let's get going," Flame Princess said as she and Alan continued on.

"Hrmph. Fine, but only because of the narrative."

The three continued along before running into a few of the impossible things mentioned at the start of the chapter: Unseelies. The creatures took a single step each and were next to both Flame Princess and Alan, who were 30 feet apart at the time. Alan cast a bolt of magic that would have hit one of the beings straight-on, except that it didn't. Apparently it was a few feet to far to the garzoonkle, which is like left, only duckier. Alan realized that 3-dimensional thinking would be no good here. He then turned on his Wizard Eyes. This was very dangerous to his sanity, but far less so than getting eaten by a creature whose body is composed of 11-dimensional matrices. He, now able to see the creatures properly, did his best to destroy them before he could go nuts. He probably pushed out too much energy, but he didn't care, as long as they were gone. Some ancient, primal fear had reared up in him, and the only thing keeping him from panicking and completely losing his mind is that he was already just crazy enough to resist it. As he fought, he saw flashes of light. He felt hot, burning, as he saw charred skeletons fly past him. He felt his own body heating up. The bodies then disappeared, as he heard a scream, a woman's scream, that would haunt his mind for all time. He saw his very flesh being stripped from his bones. The blast was behind him, now, he felt pain, but also solace, and he knew not why. At this moment, he saw a great golden owl, with a countenance so bright, it outshone the firestorm behind him. It took him and returned him...Returned him to where? The lights died down, as he regained his sight. He closed his Arcane Sight, and saw that the beasts were dead, felled by his magic. He collapsed, entirely exhausted by battle, and by the terrifying vision he saw.

* * *

_Alan awoke at the door to the Unseelie Keep._ "Wha...How...How did I get here?"

"I had to carry you. You killed the Unseelies, and then you went all crazy! You were screaming, saying 'Hot! So hot! It burns! Oh God please kill me now! End this!'"

"Huh. Well, That's weird," Alan said quite matter-of-factly, standing up.

"The calmness with which you said that is deeply disturbing," Fred said.

"Maybe if you'd help us fight, you wouldn't be so disturbed."

"Nope. Can't interfere. It'd screw with the storyline."

"Fine, whatever. Just stay out of our way," Flame Princess grunted, walking up to the door of the Keep.

"FP?"

"Don't worry. I'm just looking for a crack in the door. Ah! Here we go!" Flame Princess then changed her form into a small flame, and she slipped through a crack in the wood of the door. Soon after, the door unlocked and quietly opened.

"Cool," Fred and Alan both said.

They quietly walked into the Keep, and managed to sneak past the Unseelie guards. They made it to the throne room, where the portal was kept, when a tall man in a white mask walked in and demanded, "Just _what_ do you mortals think you're doing?"

Alan turned around, tired of all this fighting B.S. and said, "Winning."

"What do you mean by that?"

"I'm the hero, you're a freak-of-the-week villain. I win by default. So don't even bother."

"Wait, let me check that. Scribe!" A small gnome with a scroll walked up.

"Am I this man's main villain?"

"No, sire," the Gnome answered after consulting the scroll.

"Recurring villain?"

"No."

"Rival?"

"Er, no Your Majesty."

"Very well. I suppose this makes the next plot twist moot."

"And that would be...?" Alan asked.

"Well, I'm the king of the Unseelies," He removed his mask, "And I'm also Oberon."

"And there goes my heroic sacrifice that immediately justifies my past uselessness..." Fred complained.

"Ah, quit yer whining and gimme the portal. And some loot." Alan said, holding out his hand.

"Loot? What is this, a D&D campaign?"

"Fine. Here's my offer: You can send a few Elite Mooks after me as I leave, in exchange for some sweet loot."

"...That sounds fair. But you're also barred from the land of Phaerie."

"Okay. Deal. I'll just hang here in Faerie."

"Crap! I mispronounced it! Fine. Just leave. You'll soon have bigger problems than me."

Oberon then tossed Alan a bag full of loot, and opened a portal home. He then summoned a few of his guards to chase them. Thus, we return to the beginning of the chapter.

* * *

_Finn and Jake stood at the edge of the Ice Kingdom, looking at the Ice King's house, which was under frenzied construction by the penguins._ It was at that very moment that Alan and the Flame Princess screamed smoking across the skies, followed by...things which are rather impossible to describe using modern geometry. They were rightfully confused, and gave chase, trying to avoid looking too closely at Alan and FP's pursuers.

"Flame Princess! What's going on?"

"Well, I'm not really sure, but these guys aren't happy with whatever we did!"

"Help us, you idiot!" Alan added, not reactingly well to being carried. Or the Eldritch Abominations who were chasing him. That really didn't help.

"Alright! I guess it's..." Finn began, as he hopped on Jake's extending back

"ADVENTURE TIME!" Finn and Jake both said, as Finn swung his sword at one of the things. His blade had little effect, and in fact broke against the Fey creature.

"Man! My sword broke!" Finn shouted. Alan reached into his bag and pulled out a strange black sword, bizarre and shifting, as if it existed in more than three dimensions. He tossed it to Finn and said, "Here! Try this!"

Finn caught it, jumped off of Jake's back, and landed on one of the Unseelies. He brought the Fay Blade down upon the creature, destroying it in one strike. He quickly leaped to another and killed it. He made very quick work of the creatures, and Flame Princess finally landed.

"Hey Finn! Hey Jake!" Flame Princess said.

"Hey, FP. What's up?"

Flame Princess then walked up to Finn and hugged him, leaving him completely unharmed.

Finn and Jake looked at each other, speechless.

"Yeah, I helped her stabilize her elemental matrix. She's pretty cool with me now."

Jake groaned at the pun, and then looked at Finn's new sword.

"Whoa! That's your old sword, man!"

"I think you're right, dude! And it's still all weird-lookin'!"

"...I am obviously not in on the continuity here," Alan said, "But you guys can explain it later. I'm off to find out about this Lich guy."

Everybody immediately turned toward Alan and dropped their jaws as he walked off to the library.


	15. It Hits the Fan

_Finn, Flame Princess and Jake stood, along with Princess Bubblegum, watching a frustrated Alan typing away on a keyboard connected to BMO._ He was grumbling something about a "paleolithic search system" and writing some kind of search program. When he finished, he hit "F5" and leaned back in his chair, ready to use the program. The three walked up behind him, and Bubblegum put her hand on Alan's shoulder.

"CRIMINY!" he shouted, nearly flying out of his chair, "You really shouldn't sneak up on me!"

"Alan? Who told you about the Lich?" Bubblegum calmly asked, her tone of voice belying the urgency of the words.

"A Fairy mentioned it in passing, and I get the feeling it has to do with that Snail."

"I told you, that snail is _harmless,_" Bubblegum insisted.

"Hyeh. So I suppose I blasted _myself_ into a terrifying existential void?" Alan said, turning back to BMO.

"I guess that explains those weird things that were following you," Jake said.

"Now hush. I've updated the library's search software, so finding info should be a breeze."

Alan typed "LICH" into the search engine, which turned up a few articles. Finn was about to say something, but Bubblegum held him back. She felt it best that Alan learn for himself. Flame Princes then clung to Finn like a security blanket, enjoying her new-found control of her powers.

Alan read. He read madly, and clicked from page to page, article to article, as his eyes widened. He learned about Billy, about the Fire Lord, about the Lich, and finally about the War. He stopped reading for a second, as painful memories came to the front of his mind.

_He saw his college, trying its best to keep calm in the face of possible annihilation. His friends slowly left, seeking safer country. Eventually, Alan, his roommate, a few other students, and the professors were the only one who remained_.

He pushed them back, and read on. He saw a map, and saw where the first tactical strikes began.

_They heard the sirens, but they couldn't believe it. They huddled together, as the bombs fell. They hid in a physics lab, hoping to use its structure for meager protection. It wasn't nearly enough._

He saw the photographs of burned survivors, and of people desperately trying to put together some semblance of a life in the rubble.

_The light was unbearable. It was so hot, he couldn't stand it. He stumbled back, and fell through a doorway. His whole body burned like a forest fire, as he fell into blackness._

He couldn't handle it. He pushed his chair back from the desk, as he sat there for a moment, quivering in terror. Finn and the others walked up to him, wanting to make sure he was okay. He was not. He turned away from BMO as tears rolled down his cheeks. He stood up, and ran out of the library, quietly sobbing.

* * *

_"Alan?"_ Finn knocked on Alan's door, "Are you alright?"

Alan responded only by magically locking his door.

Princess Bubblegum simply turned and walked away. "Hey, PB! Where are you going?" Finn called after her.

"To find the Snail."

"But Alan's all freaked out! We can't just leave him alone!" Jake said.

"I'm sorry. I really am concerned, and it hurts me as much as it hurts you to see Alan in this state, but my first responsibility is to my Kingdom, and if the Lich is loose, then finding him is paramount," Bubblegum explained, as she turned the corner to her tower. Finn, Flame Princess and Jake stopped following her, and went back to Alan's closet. PB walked up into her tower and picked up her phone, "Hello, Ice King?"

On the other end of the line, the Ice King picked up, "Yeah. Who is this?"

"Princess Bubblegum."

"Oh! Great to talk to you, PB! It's been a while!"

"I don't have time for your flirtations, Simon. Are you any good at scrying?"

"Uh...Why do you ask?" Ice King said slowly, while he put a cloth over his crystal ball, through which he had been watching...something...

"I need your helping finding somebody."

"Huh. Why don't you ask your pet _human_, Alan?"

"He's...indisposed. And I'm looking for the Lich."

"I'll be right over."

* * *

_Alan's room had grown silent, and the door unlocked itself. Alan then stepped out, smiling as if nothing had happened, his gray eyes red._ "Hey, guys! Now, what're we gonna do about that Lich?"

Finn, Jake, and FP had no response.

"...Not foolin' ya?" Alan said, his grin lessening, "I thought as much."

"Are you okay, man?" Finn asked, deeply unsettled by Alan's smile.

"Oh, yeah. Just some bad memories of college. I'm mostly over it."

"Okay...Well, I guess we should, uh, find Bubblegum?" Jake said, really at a loss.

"I bet you're right. She'll probs need my magic to find that snail."

The four hurried to Bubblegum's tower.

* * *

_Finn, Jake, Flame Princess, and Alan walked into PB's tower to find her and the Ice King._ "Oh, hey Finn, Jake. Who's the flaming girl?" Ice King asked, motioning to FP, who was still glued to Finn.

"Oh, hey man. That's Flame Princess." Finn said.

Bubblegum was about to say something, but paused for a moment.

"Wait, how is Flame Princess touching you?"

"Oh, that's easy," Alan stepped into the middle of the room, "Arcane meditative techniques blah stabilize the elemental matrix yada yada reverse the polarity of the neutron flow drivel drivel. So how do you propose we find the Lich?"

Bubblegum didn't really know what to say. She was confused that Flame Princess could control her flames now, and very worried that Alan was suddenly so cheerful after going into full-on PTSD mode. "Are...Are you alright, Alan?"

"Yes, yes, I'm fine. Now, from what I've read, the Lich can body surf, so scrying his body would be pointless. So I'll need to reach him telepathically, but I'll need some magical help to pull me out, just in case he notices me," Alan explained. He turned to Ice King, "Ice King, I think you'll be that help. If I need you to pull me out, You'll hear an old Lionel Richie song."

"Lionel Richie?" Ice King raised his eyebrow, mildly confused.

"Yeah, he's this one singer who-"

"I know who he was, but...seems kinda random."

"Says the blue man who rules over a kingdom of penguins and uses his beard to fly."

"Point taken. Alright," IK said, putting his crystal ball onto the table, "Let's get this show rollin'."

Alan and the Ice King sat opposite each other at the table, gazing into the crystal ball. They were muttering incantations, almost as if reciting a song. Suddenly, Alan's vision grew dark.

He opened his eyes, and saw that he was flying across the land of Ooo at incredible speed. He described what he saw aloud to the others.

"I see...a lake. Glacier Lake, I think. But he's not trying to cross it. He's ignoring his tower. I don't see any energy coming from it. He's just picking up something, a canister. I can't see the inside very well, but it appears to be holding a roll of vellum."

Bubblegum whispered in Alan's ear, "Where is he going?"

"Hush, PB. Psychometry is hard enough without you breathing down my neck. This is just an image...a cosmic recording, if you will. He's teleported away, and he's reappeared in the Mountain Kingdom. He's looking through the rocks in a canyon. He's found something, and he's...he's noticed me!"

Before Alan could alert the entranced Ice King, the Lich had seen and grabbed hold of Alan's mind.

"Why are you here?"

"What? I, uh...I'm here to haunt you! Ooh!" Alan lied.

"Hardly. Do not pursue me," the Lich said, as he disappeared.

"What, I'm not worth destroying?" Alan snorted.

"Not at the moment, anyway," The Lich then backhanded Alan's spectral form, knocking him back into his own head.

Alan gasped as he and IK regained consciousness.

"Where is he?" Bubblegum immediately asked.

"Mountain Kingdom. He looked like he was looking for something."

"I'll alert Aldous." Bubblegum said, reaching for the phone. Alan stopped her.

"No. We can't risk him killing anyone. I'll take Finn and Jake to deal with him."

Finn and Jake nodded, and the three prepared for a fight.

Finn and Jake returned from their home fully armed. Finn wore a steel helm with two large, triangular plates over the brows, reaching off the edges of the helmet. He wore makeshift armor made of wood from his tree. Jake wore a pair of metal gauntlets, whose plates were put together in a far more complex way than normal. Alan walked back from his closet carrying a wooden staff with a single gem held in its claw-shaped end. His normal green suit was exchanged for a far more grandiose one, which had scores of magical symbols stitched into it surface. Finn retrieved Billy's gauntlet from its cabinet, and Alan turned to Finn and enchanted his armor, "___Iarann foirne!_" Finn's junky wood armor turned a polished silver color, and began to shine like polished steel. "Sweet."

The three stood closely, and then Alan teleported them away.

* * *

Finn, Jake and Alan found themselves at the base of a titanic mountain, standing in front of a large and sinister-looking cave. Jake sniffed for a moment.

"What do you smell, Jake?"

"Death. And a bear. Mostly death."

"A bear?" Alan asked, raising an eyebrow.

"What!?" Finn almost shouted.

"Never mind. We have to stop him before he's at full power!"

They entered the cave, and were quickly waylaid by the bear from "In Your Footsteps".

Alan leaped back and raised his staff. Finn drew his blade. Then the skeletons on the floor became animated. Finn and Jake charged the skeletons, while Alan was left to deal with the bear. The fight, and the puns, began.

"I got a _bone_ to pick with you!" Finn said, swinging his extradimensional blade and reducing a skeleton to dust. His new sword had the powers of Faerie infused in it, making it a potent weapon. He kept swinging, as Jake expanded. His gauntlets unfolded to expand with him, hence their complicated structure. He brought his fists down on a skeleton, the gauntlets glowing brightly on contact. It was a simple solar enchantment, but it was sufficient to stun the skeletons. "You need to work out! You're skin and _bones!_" Jake said.

Alan jumped out of the bear's swiping range, and readied an attack spell. He threw a bolt of magic, but the bear was fast enough to dodge. "Ha! That was just a _bear_ miss!" Alan shouted as he took an opening from the bear's dodge to close in with his staff. He landed a solid shot on the bear, and it double back for a moment before charging him. "Looks like you wanna be the _guy in charge!_"

Finn kept swinging his sword, occasionally following up with a gauntlet blast, while Jake slammed their undead foes with his gauntlets. Alan was holding his own against the bear, but neither was making an appreciable hit. The bear was evading all of Alan's attacks, but Alan was quick enough to avoid the bear's swiping claws. Alan was stumped, but then he came up with an idea. He threw a bolt and then shouted "_Teagmháil lobhadh!_" before striking the Bear with his staff. The blow itself did little to the bear, but a necrotic rot began to spread from where it hit. "Well, that'd make your day go from _rotten_ to _unbearable_!"

The bear scratched at it before finally falling over and being consumed by the rot, leaving only bear bones. Finn and Jake, who had just destroyed the skeletons, turned and watched the horrific display. "Whoah..." was all Finn could say.

"Man, that was brutal," Jake said.

"Well, you guys were busy with the skeletons!" Alan said defensively. The three then continued further into the cave to face the Lich. In the inner room of the cave, the Lich had apparently transferred the power of his pit into a cauldron, and he was holding the bottle and was murmuring ancient, dark spells under his breath. He then let go of the bottle. Before it could fall into the cauldron, Alan reached out with his mind and focused on the bottle. He shouted "_Buidéal!_" and the bottle appeared in his hand. Alan stowed it in his suit pocket and loosed a flurry of magical bolts on the Lich. He simply waved his hand and made them disappear. His shell then shattered as he made his body grow to twelve feet in height, as it took on a more humanoid form. Bony spikes grew from his limbs, as his face contorted into the snarling form it bore before he was defeated by Finn. The Lich was back.


	16. It REALLY Hits the Fan

_[Don't worry about the emo stuff from earlier. It's not gonna spread out and suffocate the story, converting or destroying everything else in its path...or something.]_

___[Also, in the event that any Tropers read this, I encourage them to write a page for this story.]_

_When last we left them, Finn, Jake, and Alan found themselves facing their most powerful foe yet._ It was go time. Alan immediately put up a shield wall, and then propelled it at the Lich. The wall nudged him a little, but the monster easily broke it. Finn leaped into action, taking advantage of Alan's momentary distraction to run up the nearest cave wall, jumping down and slashing at the Lich. He stumbled back for a moment, the blade's power having caught him off guard. He regained his footing and headed for his cauldron in an attempt to regain his full power. Jake tripped him, allowing Finn to come in for a _coup de grâce_. The Lich rolled out of the way, wary of Finn's power. He leaped to his feet and focused his mind, the most powerful weapon in his arsenal at the time. Finn, Jake and Alan found themselves each cold and alone, in separate partitions of the Lich's mind. Finn and Jake were only there to keep them out of the way as the Lich went after Alan.

* * *

_"Aren't you cold?"_ The Lich asked, his words weaving insidious and profane magic as he whispered in Alan's ear.

"No, duh, smart guy," Alan said, not taken in by the "oogey-boogey" ominous darkness.

"Give me the vial."

"No."

"But you must...It is the only way."

"Hah. Yeah. Like I'm gonna give the card-carrying evil omnicidal maniac whatever he needs."

"You and I are the same, you realize," The Lich hissed.

"Yeah, you're right. We both sound exactly like Ron Perlman," Alan scoffed.

"No, I mean, we see the universe for what it is. A maelstrom."

"Yeah. So how does that make us the same?"

"We see the world, how bright it is, and we want to close our eyes. We hear its, popping and hissing and screaming, but we can't ever cover our ears. We both know that the chaos is eternal, that we shall never truly rest. The only way to break this endless madness, to silence it, is to kill it. To let entropy take hold, and force it where beings defy it."

"Uh-huh," Alan said, "Yeah. Keep on sayin' that. I guess you're right about one thing: The universe is big and loud and bright. And that scares you. You see all that life, and mistake it for chaos. Everything follows laws. _Everything_. Now leave," he thundered, as the Lich flew across the landscape of Alan's mind.

The Lich stood up.

"But the problem is, you can't ever understand life, because you left it behind. That was the first of three mistakes you made."

"Oh? The Lich said, as the empty dreaming around him became filled with his frost.

"Number two: You revealed yourself to me before your plan came to fruition," Alan stepped forward boldly, beginning to glow with his own mental energy.

"Finally, you tried to invade the mind of a thousand-year-old mad wizard who went to college as a Physics major."

Alan then raised his hand, and fired a tremendous bolt of psionic power that knock the Lich to the edge of Alan's mind. Alan then followed up with superhuman speed (for in the mind, wit is speed, and willpower strength), as he beat the Lich to pieces. As the Lich laid there and took Alan's abuse, he began to laugh.

"What's so funny, Skellington?"

"I just hypnotized you so I could steal back the bottle."

* * *

_Alan, Finn, and Jake awoke to find that the Lich was holding the bottle. _Instead of throwing it in the cauldron, he opened it and drank the strange matter it contained. Now, the funny thing about strange matter is that due to its composition, (that is, it is made up of equal parts up, down, and strange quarks, small elemental particles that ,ake up neutrons and protons), it has the uncanny ability to convert non-quark matter that it comes into contact with into strange matter. The Lich's body turned a dull, silvery-gray, as it took on a gelatinous composition, the spikes merging back into his form. The cave floor where he stepped began changing beneath him. Alan could see the particle reactions as they happened, and immediately freaked. He grabbed Finn and Jake and immediately teleported away.

* * *

_The three reappeared in Bubblegum's study._ Alan was terrified, and Finn and Jake were very confused. "What happened?" Bubblegum exclaimed.

"It REALLY hit the fan!" Alan said, running his hands through his messy hair.

"What the math is _that_ supposed to mean!?"

"Old Dusty-Bones got ahold of some strange matter! I don't even know where he could have gotten it! There are only, what, five labs in all of Ooo that..." Alan trailed off before turning to PB with a slackened jaw.

"I didn't know! The mass change in the experiment was within experimental error!"

"Jake, cover Finn's ears," Alan said. Jake did so, and Alan proceeded to let loose with an apparently long and profane diatribe. Bubblegum shouted back, and apparently, the language used in the argument was bad enough to make Ice King _and_ Jake blush profusely. Had Finn been to hear it, and had access to a dictionary, he would have learned a great many new profanities, and cheek-reddening ways to use nonprofanities as well. The two wove a tapestry of obscenities that as far as anybody knows is still hanging in space over Glacier Lake. They worked in profanity the way other artists might work in oils or clay.

They finished arguing, and Jake released Finn's ears. Apparently, Alan's fit was because PB had created strange matter in large enough quantities that somebody could steal it, without taking the proper security precautions. He rubbed his temples and muttered angry gibberish as he walked out of the room.

"Where the zarblob do you think you're going?!" Bubblegum shouted down the hall.

"Ammamaloogfizzybugs! Trabbasobbaprobbatan!" was all Alan could manage to articulate. What he said could be best translated as , "I'm gonna look at physics books! Try to solve the problem at hand!"

Alan continued to gibber as he reached the library.

* * *

_The Lich, at this point, had devoured the entire mountain and incorporated it into his form. _The air crackled with charged non-quark particles released in the reaction. He continued westward, to the Mountain Kingdom proper, absorbing any and all mater he came into contact with. He saw a full army of Marauders, eight hundred thousand strong. He immediately proceed to destroy them, simply by touching them. They screamed in agony as their bodies melted into the Lich's form.

He then assimilated the mountain that the army was attacking from. By the end of the day, the Lich had eaten half the Mountain Kingdom.

* * *

_"Anything, Alan?"_ Finn asked, staring over Alan's shoulder. He was sitting at a desk in the library, typing on a keyboard connected to BMO.

"No."

"You sure?"

"Yes. I've been working at this simulator for twelve straight hours, and I've got noth-" Alan paused as his makeup mirror beeped, "Hello? Marceline? Where are you?" Alan's face went from tired to terrified, "Sit tight, I'll get you out of there."

Alan took out a few powders, and used a focused blast of energy to burn an arcane circle in the floor. This would have been a much harder spell, but Marceline's demon blood made it much simpler to summon her. "_Glaoigh ar an banphrionsa diabhail!_"

Marceline appeared in the center of the circle, confused but relieved. "Alan! What is going on?"

"Lich."

Marceline's eyes got really big for a moment, "But...how did he-"

"Science experiment. I'll explain later. Let's just hope the Lich didn't track the-"

The ground shook as the Lich stomped over toward the castle at implausible speed. He happened to actually be larger than the castle itself.

"CRAP! Run! I'll slow him down," Alan shouted, teleporting out onto the courtyard.

Finn and Jake were carried by a fast-flying Marceline down a hall and out the window. In the air over the Candy Kingdom, she met up with the Ice King, who was carrying Princess Bubblegum. "We gotta get to the Ice Kingdom!" IK shouted over the wind, "I have an anti-tracking spell!"

Meanwhile in the courtyard, Alan stood resolute.

"**You dare to stand before me?**"

"You bet your slimy butt I do!" Alan raised his staff, holding it in both hands. Both the gem in the staff and the gem of Alan's ring began to glow intensely.

"**Then you will die.**"

"I'm a thousand years old! I think I have enough years under my belt."

"**You have made your choice,**" the Lich said, taking a step forward. His foot was met with a powerful force shield, beyond anything Alan had yet cast.

"You...SHALL...NOT...**_PASS!_**" Alan shouted, as he surrounded the Lich in a force shield.**_  
_**

"**How are you doing this?**" the Lich asked, more out of curiosity than surprise.

"The shields aren't made of any sort of quark, so they're immune to your corruption."

The Lich nodded in understanding...and then blew the wall open. He flooded out, and Alan barely managed to shield himself. As the kingdom collapsed around him, he was finally overwhelmed, being absorbed into the Lich's gargantuan body.


	17. The Fan Broke

_**Or, "The Fan, Under the Constant Stress of Things Hitting It, Finally Explodes in a Shower of Sparks"**  
_

_The group reached the Ice King's freshly rebuilt palace, somber and quiet._ In only two days, the Lich had succeeded at devouring two fifths of the continent and killing one of their close friends.

"Guys! Glad you made it! Where's Alan?" PB asked.

Finn and Jake just frowned.

"He...He didn't make it." Jake said.

"I...I..." PB was struck dumb. She'd seen her friends in danger before, but this was the first time any had died.

"Quit stammering. We don't have to for whining," Marceline said coldly.

That came completely out of left field. Marceline's been cruel sometimes, but this was a new level for her. Everyone turned and looked at her for a moment, before Bubblegum slapped her. Marceline caught her hand and said, "Alan gave his life to buy us time. To use it for anything other than stomping this creep would be an insult."

Marceline let go of her hand, and they all nodded in agreement. Bubblegum took BMO and walked into the living room, while Ice King went to his study.

* * *

Everyone searched desperately for a solution, Ice King attempting to find a spell, Finn, Jake, and Marceline poring over unreturned library books, and PB searching through Alan's notes on BMO's hard disk. After hours of work, Bubblegum ran up to the others and said, "I think I might have some-"

The whole place shook.

"Wait! How could he have found us? There was an anti-tracking spell!" Marceline shouted.

"He must have been attracted by somethin' else!" Jake shouted.

Outside the castle, the Lich ignored the heroes, going after a much more powerful threat: Gunther. The Ice King looked out his window and saw his people in danger. An anger welled up inside him, beyond anything he ever felt before. He would not stand idly by and watch his people be massacred. He flew out his window and raised his hands over his head. He released a powerful burst of cold, so icy that it froze the Lich in place. He did not simply coat the Lich in ice, he actually brought the Lich within a degree of absolute zero. He flew in and saved as many penguins as he could, while the Lich quickly began to thaw. Before he got away, the Lich had returned to his liquid form. The Ice King flew away at full tilt, stopping only to retrieve the others. He dropped a few penguins by mistake, but almost all were saved. The group flew far and wide, before finally finding themselves out of reach in the Cloud Kingdom, out of the Lich's reach. The Lich returned to massacring the Ice Kingdom's remaining inhabitants, his size increasing exponentially.

* * *

_Alan woke up in a scorched T-shirt and blue jeans in a makeshift shelter._ He was very confused, and even more confused by the horrible burn scars across the left side of his body. _Where am I?_ he wondered, getting up and looking around. He was alone. Completely alone. He left his tent to look around. On the ground, he found a small teddy bear with rounded ears. Most of it was stained and brown with age. "Bueno?" Alan said, as he began to faintly recognize the bear. It was a bear he had since he was child, and one of his few possessions to survive the blast in any way. He held the bear tight, before walking out to a broken clock tower in the distance.

* * *

_In the Cloud Kingdom, the danger of the Lich was ignored, as there was a party being overseen by the Party God._ The Ice King brushed himself off after dropping off the penguins and the gang. "Hey, guys! Welcome to the Cloud Kingdom! You here to party?"

"No time!" Finn shouted, before running to PB. Flame Princess was mildly annoyed. Party God, if he had shoulders, would have shrugged, before returning to the party. "So what were you saying?"

"I think I might have the answer! Alan's notes and the stored simulations on BMO's system show that the Lich could be destroyed! You see, because his body is made of strange matter, it should be color super-conductive, and if we can introduce a sufficiently strong color charge into his body, it should destabilize him!"

Finn, Jake, Ice King, Marceline, and Flame Princess were all utterly clueless. BMO nodded in understanding.

"If we use the right energy, we can make the Lich's body dissolve."

They gave a collective "Ohhhh!" as PB and BMO set to work calculating how to to it.

* * *

_Alan continued walking, before he finally reached the tower._ There was a skeleton clutching a small box labeled "MOVIES". Alan walked up to the skeleton and wrested the box loose from the skeleton's bony hands. Inside the box were a few old VHS tapes. Alan fished around in the box before pulling out a copy of _Toy Story_. He immediately noticed Slink, the dog with a Slinky body, on the cover. He suddenly remembered flashes of his past adventures. In the distance, he heard a girl crying.

He walked toward the sound, dizzy and confused. _Was it a dream?_ he wondered, _Or is this the afterlife?_

He came upon a strange sight, a blue-skinned girl with pointed ears, holding a torn stuffed bear. Alan looked to the girl, then to the bear, and gave the bear to the girl. The girl's sobbing subsided, and she thank Alan.

"Thank you, mister. My name's Marcie."

"I'm Alan."

"Well, thank you, Alan. I barely had enough string to fix one eye. I never would have been able to patch the whole bear."

"No problem. Just treat that bear well, I've had him for a while. Any idea where I can find some food?"

"Try the cellar."

Alan walked over to a nearby cellar and found a jar of pickled eggs. "Hey, Alan? What's the bear's name?" Marcie asked.

Alan tried to say "Bueno", but his mouth was full of pickled eggs, so it came out as something closer to "Hambo".

* * *

_Bubblegum had found the answer, but there was a problem:_ It only worked at close range. Somebody would have to risk everything to destroy the Lich. Finn immediately volunteered, but the Ice King cut him off.

"I've been jerking people around for a thousand years. It's time I do something good."

"...Alright. If that's what you want, Ice King. Now, the machine works by bombarding the target with cyan-charged anti-quarks, which should eradicate any red-charged quarks in the strange matter, destabilizing it and causing it to decay. The radiation that will get given off will be cazy strong, so you'll want to encase yourself in a thick ice shield, over this lead-line robe."

"Got it." IK said sternly.

* * *

_Alan left, carrying the jar of pickled eggs with him._ He saw a beautiful woman appear before him, tall, pale, and with raven hair.

"Who are you?" Alan asked.

"My name is Bellicent, and we are in terrible danger."

"What, you mean other than the _nuclear_ _fallout?_ Lady, you have no sense of surroundings."

"This is a lie. An illusion. A-"

"Oh, I get it. Either I'm having a hallucination brought on by stress, or I'm trapped in the Lich's mind, being fed my own subconscious."

"The latter."

"I'd get that answer either way. Well, this seems too consistent for a hallucination. Let's get out of here, Bellie."

"Bellicent."

"Whatever. Just help me clear out a spot on the parking lot over there."

* * *

_The Ice King flew out to the edge of the Fire Kingdom, where the Lich was easing himself into the lava._ "Hey Slimeball!"

The Lich turned to face the Ice King, who was carrying a large container covered in wiring and capacitors. The Lich snarled, as his face formed a more concrete shape. He then brought out Alan's half-devoured body. It gurgled in agony, as spasms occasionally shook it. It moved, like a macabre marionette, its face contorting into a grimace, as it raised its arms to cast a spell. The Ice King shook off the existential terror caused by the utter perversion of his friend's form in order to evade the gobs of strange matter that were being thrown at him. Every time the Ice King tried to dive in close to lay the bomb, he was stopped by having to avoid an attack.

* * *

_Alan and Bellicent stood in the center of a chalk circle, as Alan finished explaining the workings of his ritual._ "So, provided my math is right, this ritual should amplify our mental signatures long enough to take momentary control of the Lich's body. I don't know what good it'll do, but my gut tells me it'll make all the difference."

"Alan, if we ever get free, I'd quite like to meet you in real life. You'd probably be rather handsome without those scars."

"Yeah, sure, whatever," Alan shrugged. He was pretty sure she'd be disappointed.

Alan and Bellicent sat and focused, before their eyes glowed with power. Their breaths were filled with frost as they reached deep into the Lich's psyche.

* * *

_The Ice King was tiring as the battle wore on, his beard becoming frayed and ragged._ At that moment, the Lich froze, as if struggling against himself. The Ice King was confused, but he took his chance anyway and set the charge. He immediately wrapped himself in several feet of flawless ice as the charge went off. There was a huge flash, as the strange matter began to decay at the epicenter, spreading out to every part of the Lich's body. The ice and the lead robe were barely enough to protect the Ice King, and he was left with a rather nasty sunburn. On the ground, the only thing remaining of the Lich's carcass, sat Alan's body, half of it missing, and the other half badly burned.

* * *

_The Lich was destroyed, Ice King carried Alan to the Cloud Kingdom, where he was put under close medical observation by Princess Bubblegum._ Alan was inarticulate and in utter agony, often shrieking and squawking in pain. he clawed against the glass of his medical bed, which was covered in case he carried some necromantic disease. The people of the surrounding kingdoms took pity on the few survivors of the Candy and Mountain Kingdoms, and aided in their rebuilding effort. This went on for a few weeks. Finn and Jake had adventures, Marceline played some gigs, Princess Bubblegum and Ice King oversaw the reconstruction of their kingdoms, and the world turned without Alan.

And then Alan spoke. The nurses were stunned. They heard him say "paper", but then they wrote it off as their imagination. Alan didn't stop. The next day, he spent minutes grunting "paper-paper-paper-paper-paper!"

They finally believed what they heard, and set up an easel covered in paper, and taped a pen to his hand. He madly calculated, using formulae that would have made Hawking's head spin. He worked and worked for hours. Bubblegum burst into the hospital ward, amazed at what she saw. The equations she understood implied a unified field theory with _dozens_ of fundamental forces, in addition to the regular four. Alan then ceased calculating, and started drawing arcane symbols. Eventually, he stopped, before gurgling, "_An diabhail de Maxwell._" Suddenly, the world grew cold, as energy flooded into Alan's body. He quickly healed, returned to the condition he was in before his near-death. The spell didn't stop there, though. It did what physicists thought impossible for the past several centuries: It reversed entropy, repairing what was broken and undoing the past. The Kingdoms were fully repaired.

Alan stood up, in a hospital gown, gave PB (figuratively!) rib-crushing hug, and bounded out the third-story window, giving the nurses a cheek-reddening view of his behind as he left.

* * *

_"FINN! FINN! FINN!"_ Alan shouted as he sprinted towards the Tree Fort, his spell having filled him with a phenomenal amount of energy. He saw Finn, and immediately tackled him. "FINN! I'M BACK!"

Finn, understandably surprised, did what any rational person would have done: He threw Alan against the tree.

Jake, on the other side of the tree, was looking at some rotting bark, wondering what to do about it. The tree glowed with light for a moment before the rot immediately healed, and the tree doubled in size. "Huh. Guess that solved itself. Time for bacon."

"Hey, Finn! Good to see you've kept up your strength!" Alan shouted, popping his spine back in place.

"A-Alan? Is that really you, man?"

"Totally! Gimme a bro-fist!"

Finn obliged, tapping knuckles with Alan. Finn immediately felt healthier, and the few scars he had built up over the years immediately vanished.

"Whoa! How did you do that?"

"I'm still full of regeneration energy!" Alan said, before belching up a puff of glittering lights.

"Sweet! So what do you wanna do?"

"I owe somebody a favor!" Alan shouted, already half a mile down the road.

* * *

_Alan ran to the Ice Kingdom, where he found a small box in a cave._ He opened it and took out a single lock of raven hair. "Bellicent! Come on out! I got plenty of energy to go 'round!"

The hair glowed for a moment before flashing and generating a full Bellicent. Naked. Alan turned away awkwardly.

"Alan! You found that lock of hair! Why are you facing away from me?" Bellicent said in a calm English accent.

"You're not wearing clothes."

"Oh! My apologies. I thought the clothes would regenerate, too," she said. She waved her hands as a simple brown dress appeared. Alan turned back to face her. "My, you are rather attractive. A little too pale, though. You need a tan, love."

"That's better. Well, now that I think I've used up the extra life force, I think it's safe to go visit the one person I wanted to see this whole time. I wish you luck."

* * *

_Alan found Marceline outside her house, dully strumming her bass._ "MARCELINE!" Alan shouted, before tackling her.

"What the-Alan?" Marceline rubbed her eyes momentarily, "is that="

"Uh-huh! I'm alive!"

"How?"

"I took the spell the Lich used to be a Lich, and changed some of the variables!"

"Huh." Marceline said. She then gave Alan a kiss.

Alan's mind was blown. "What did I do to deserve that?"

"Heroic sacrifices are way hot."

"Huh."


	18. Galatean Love Story

_Finn and Jake sat atop their newly enlarged tree, looking out over the Land of Ooo._ Alan then ran up, panting.

"Finn! Jake! Need! Help!" he gasped.

"Wassup, Alan?" Jake asked, stretching down to the ground.

"Not much. Just wanted Finn's help on an adventure."

"Cool, I'll pack our things!" Jake said, turning toward the tree.

"Actually, just Finn," Alan said, "I need his muscle, and I think it might be a good idea for us to have a talk."

Jake looked somewhat let down. "Oh. Alright. I guess I'll see about clearing out some of those new branches. Maybe plan some extensions."

"Thanks for understanding. Let's roll, Finn!" Alan said.

Alan and Finn walked through the meadow, toward an abandoned subway. "So what's up, Alan? More girl troubles?" Finn asked.

"Well, not in the sense you're thinking of. I wanted to talk to you about _your_ eventual girl problems."

"Whadya mean?" Finn said, kicking in the solid stainless steel bars blocking the entryway.

"Well, you see, Finn, I-" Alan began, before he was interrupted by a cadre of stone golems.

"Hold that thought! Time to kick butt!"

* * *

_Jake walked back to the tree fort, a little dejected and a little bored._ He climbed up into the tree, grabbed some pruning shears, and set to work trimming the new branches in the tree. He was clipping a few twigs when he heard a clattering. He looked around, and when he saw nothing, he shrugged and assumed it was some unruly squirrels. He returned to snipping, and heard a giggle from behind him.

"Who's there?" Jake asked into the empty tree.

Silence.

"I'm serious! Marceline? Is that you?"

The voice giggled again.

"This isn't funny!" Jake shouted, holding the shear up defensively. He turned and ran toward the Candy Kingdom. As he ran, he turned to look back at his home, and while he was turned away, he ran into Lemongrab. Literally.

"Ow," Jake rubbed his head, "Oh, uh, hey Lemongrab."

"Ungh! Why did you run into me!?"

"Uh...It was an accident, bro."

"Oh...Alright," Lemongrab brushed himself off.

There was a rather awkward silence.

"So, uh, why were you running?" Jake asked.

"Just my daily jog."

"But I heard you screaming," Jake scratched his head.

"Just my daily screaming jog. Why were you running?"

"I think my house is haunted."

"A haunted house? In the Candy Realms!? UNACCEPTABLE! I will deal with this _PERSONALLY._" Lemongrab squawked.

"Are you sure you ca-"

"**PERSONALLY!**" Lemongrab screamed as he ran towards Finn and Jake's.

* * *

Finn and Alan were surrounded on all sides by five stone golems. "Alright, kiddo, these golems look like they're magic resistance, so we'll be in for a good ol' fashioned dust-up," Alan said. Finn nodded, grinning in anticipation of a good fight. Alan drew his staff and charged a golem. Finn leaped through the air, piercing a golem's chest with his sword. He landed on its head, quickly pulling the sword out and impaling its head. It went down, its scroll pierced. Alan knew his staff would be useless as a weapon, so he used it to leap over a golem, goading two others into attacking. The golems, rather stupid as they were, tried to slaughter, Alan, who used the second golem's body as cover, while three and four pounded it to dust. Alan immediately saw an opening in three's stance and leaped forward, pulling the scroll from its mouth, careful not to tear it. Four snarled and jumped forward, but Finn came to Alan's aid and impaled it with his sword. He then used the sword as a handle to swing four into five, causing them both to crumble.

Alan stood over Finn's impressive piles of rubble. "Jesus Christ. How are you so strong?"

"I eat lots of vegetables," Finn said, "Jake says they're really good for you."

"Huh."

"Who's this Jesus guy you keep mentioning?"

"My God," Alan said, looking over the Golem scroll.

"What? What'd I do?"

"No, I mean Jesus is my God."

"Oh. Huh. Kinda weird."

"I'll tell you more later, after we talk about the other stuff," Alan closed the scroll and put it into his backpack. The two continued down the abandoned subway, after Alan made certain the third rail was not electrified.

"So what did you wanna talk about?" Finn asked, stowing his sword.

"Well, you see, I've noticed that you kinda have a lot goin' on romantically."

"What do you mean?" Finn said, ever oblivious.

"Well, you've got a relationship going with Flame Princess, LSP and pretty much half the girls in Ooo are falling all over you, you still have some obviously unresolved issues with Princess Bubblegum, and I see the way you get sometimes around Marceline."

"No worries about Marceline, man. We're just friends," Finn said calmly.

"No, I'm not worried about that. I just...I'm worried about you, kid."

"Okay...?"

"Lemme explain. Back at Chicago U, I had a roommate who was really popular with the ladies. His name was Barney. You see, the thing with-Bats!" Alan shouted, as they both ducked, "The thing with Barns was that he never learned to really say 'no' to a girl. He had so many girls that he liked, and that liked him, he-Bats!-he couldn't handle it! He was pulled and tugged every which way by the girls, until they all got sick of competing for his attention, and they all left! They left him alone and sad up until-Bats!-up until, well, until the War."

"So...What are you saying?" Finn raised his eyebrow.

"Well, I don't want to see the same happen to you. I know I have no right to dictate your-Bats!-your life, but I worry about you sometimes, and I just wanted to voice my concern."

"Huh...That's a lot for me to-Bats!-for me to think about. Thanks, man.

* * *

_Jake was sprinting after a madly screaming Lemongrab, who had simply run up the side of the tree instead of climbing the ladder._ "MLEEUUUUGH! GHOSTS!"

"Slow down, man!" Jake called, _How does he move so fast?_

Jake met Lemongrab in the kitchen, where he was completely and utterly destroying it.

"Dude! What in Grod's name are you doing!?"

"LOOKING FOR THE GHOST! COME OUT AND FACE ME, GHOST!"

"Dude! There aren't any ghosts in the powdered sugar!" Jake shouted, trying to be heard over Lemongrab's mad wailing. Immediately behind him, sitting at the kitchen table, was a cheerful looking teenage girl made entirely of wood. She giggled and waved at the two.

"Huh?" Lemongrab stopped flialing his sword around and turned to face the girl, utterly dumbfounded. He was obviously entranced.

"Hi! I'm...Well, I don't know who I am. I just woke up in this tree!"

"You're...You're..." Lemongrab tried to find the word to describe his emotions, but in all his miserable life, he had never known beauty.

"Hello! What's your name, yellow shiny man?" the girl chirped.

"Uh...I am the Earl of Lemongrab, son of Princess Bubblegum, and heir to the throne of the Candy Kingdom," the Earl said, doing his best to keep his voice from cracking.

"Hm. That's a long name. May I just call you Lemongrab?" the girl asked, standing up and walking over to Lemongrab, putting a hand on his shoulder.

Lemongrab shuddered for a moment, holding back a thixophobia attack, and said, "Yes, that will do nicely."

"So, you're not a ghost then?" Jake asked, crossing his arms.

"No, I don't believe so. I just woke up one morning and realized I was alive. It took me most of the...Day! That's the word. Most of the day to figure out how to get out of the tree."

"Huh. Wonder if you have anything to do with Alan...?" Jake pondered aloud, while Lemongrab and the girl walked out of the house. Jake, having noticed that the two had left, went to get the phone and see if Alan's makeup mirror was able to take phone calls.

* * *

_Finn and Alan had just defeated a group of mole people, when Alan's pocket rang._ "Hello?" Alan answered his mirror.

"Alan? Is that you?" Jake said through the mirror.

"Yeah. Finn's here, if you're looking for him."

"No, I actually need to ask you a question. A girl appeared in the tree fort today."

"Okay...?"

"She was made of wood, and she says she came from the tree."

"Uh-huh," Alan said, "I can't say that I know what's happening. I suppose that the life energy may have "infected" the tree, but I wouldn't have expected that kind of reaction. Where is she?"

"She went off with Lemongrab. They were makin' all kinds of googly eyes at each other."

"Huh. Perhaps...How old is the tree?"

"Dunno. At least a century," Jake answered.

"Ah-huh," Alan said, "Well, you see, Japanese legend states that an inanimate item, upon reaching a century in age, may gain sentience. Perhaps the excess energy from my spell merely acted as a catalyst for an existing mystical process..." Alan pondered, "Well, whatever's going on, she seems benign. Just let her be."

"Okay, but she doesn't have a name," Jake explained.

"Huh. I suppose since she came from _my_ spell, that'd make her my _daughter_, in a weird, philosophical way. How about...Galatea?"

"Galtea. I like it. Alright, see ya man. You watch out for Finn!"

"Yeah, on it," Alan hung up as the duo continued down the tunnel.

"So what happened next?" Finn demanded.

"Next? Oh, yeah, well, you see, Judas was afraid that Jesus was getting too popular, and that he and the other Apostles might get in trouble with the Pharisees."

"So what did he do?"

"He went and turned Jesus in to the Pharisees."

"No!"

"Yes! He turned him in, and they paid him thirty-Bats!-silvers for the deed!"

"But...Jesus was his best friend! Why would he do that?"

"People-Bats!-do crazy things when they're scared. So, anyway the Pharisees took him to a Roman named Pontius Pilate..." Alan continued.

"Wait, uh, why are we in the cave?"

"What?"

"What's in this cave that we're going after?"

"Oh, uh, you see, there's a legend that a dragon lives in this cave who will bestow great riches on those who defeat him in battle, and I was hoping to see if I could get enough to finally buy my new place. And maybe pay for a nice dinner date."

"You brought me down here to beat up a dragon and take its stuff!?"

"No, the dragon would have to agree to the fight. If he says no, assuming he exists, we'll just leave. Alright?"

"...Okay." Finn said after a long pause, "So what did Pilate do?"

"Sh! I hear something!" Alan paused, putting his ear near the ground.

Finn listened too, and then the ground rumbled as a huge worm burst from the ground.

"Giant worm!" Alan shouted.

"Well, yeah."

Finn then tried to strike at the worm. His sword bounced off the hide, barely scratching it. Alan flung a few magical bolts, which broke a few pieces of hide off, but the panels quickly were replaced. Alan then got a terribly stupid and genius idea.

"Finn! Fastball Special!"

"What?"

"Throw me in its mouth," he explained, "and I'll blow it apart from the inside!"

"Okay!" Finn yelled, as he grabbed Alan and tossed him into the worm's mouth. The beast swallowed him without even chewing. It then twitched and convulsed, until it finally exploded, leaving Finn and Alan coated in worm guts. "Eugh. Well, I guess it's better than digestion."

* * *

_Lemongrab and Galatea roamed the meadows arounf the Candy Kingdom._ This was a rare moment were Lemongrab felt truly happy despite his tormentuous existence.

"So, Lemongrab, what do you do for a living?"

"I am royalty. I do not _need_ to make a living."

"Well, same here, 'cuz I'm a tree!" The two both laughed for a bit.

"Galatea?" Lemongrab asked.

"Yeah, LG?"

"Do you...Do you believe in love at first sight?"

"What's love?" Galatea was perplexed at the new word.

"...Nevermind," Lemongrab sighed, as he sat in the meadow grass, "I really like you, Gally."

"I like you too, Lemongrab."

"...Good," Lemongrab smiled, closing his eyes and smiling.

* * *

_Alan and Finn continued down the tunnel, which had take on a more natural, stone-hewn feel._ "I think we're gettin' close, dude."

"Yeah. I can smell the shed dragonskin. Oh! There's a good piece!" Alan went and picked up a large sheet of dragon sheddings, "That could make some good armor."

"Armor? From dragon skin?"

"Oh, yeah. It's a lot like leather, only magical and hard as steel."

"Cool."

At that moment, they heard a snarl down the hall. The dragon was awake, and he knew that there were challengers in his domain.

"**WHO GOETH THERE?**" The Dragon thundered down the hall.

"Uh...'Tis I, the mighty Archmage Alan, and my associate, Finn the Warrior!"

The two rounded the corner and saw the dragon, who was large, but not as big as was expected. He stood at about 7.3 meters (just under twenty-four feet) in height, and his bottle-green scales gleamed in the dull light of his fireplace. Behind him stood a gleaming pile of gold and gems, some of the gems as big as a man's head.

"**FOR WHAT PURPOSE HAVE YOU COME, HUMANS?**" The Dragon thundered, blowing smoke out his nose.

"We have come to challenge you for your riches!"

"**VERY WELL. I ACCEPT.**"

"See?" Alan turned to Finn, "He's cool with-Whoa!" Alan was cut off by the fact that the dragon's tail had sent him flying into the ceiling. He caught hold of a stalactite and hung there, not interested in falling. Finn parried the dragon's clawed hand with his sword, before taking a step back and leaping forward, his sword cutting off one of the dragon's many horns. The dragon lowered his head, getting ready to spray fire from his mouth. At that moment, Alan finally lost his grip on the stalactite, falling and landing on top if the dragon's head, landing hard enough to force his mouth shut. The dragon coughed and spit out a puff of smoke. The dragon bucked and flailed, trying to throw the young wizard from his head. Alan refused to budge, and was screaming like a little girl. He then got a hold of himself and shouted, "_briathar dhalladh!_" The dragon was blinded, and Finn took the opportunity to lop off the remaining horn on the dragon's head before taking a lasso from his pack and binding the dragon's mouth.

"We win!" Finn said.

"Y-y-y-yeh. We win," Alan said, still shaking from the "dragon ride" he had endured. Finn unbound the dragon's mouth.

"**WELL PLAYED, YOUNG ADVENTURERS. TAKE WHAT YOU CAN CARRY AND BE GONE.**" the dragon said, stepping out of the way and waving toward the treasures. Alan mostly grabbed gemstones, being somewhat lighter than gold coins, but he did grab a few minor magical artifacts as well, fitting as much as he could into his pack. He and Finn, loaded down with treasures, ran home grinning.

"This was _derivative_, man!" Finn shouted, "I can't wait to tell Jake about that whole crazy 'Jesus' story!"

"I doubt you know what a derivative is, but that's okay! This was awesome! And I get to meet my sorta-kinda daughter!"

Finn immediately turned to head home, while Alan stopped and scanned the meadow for Lemongrab, knowing that he was with Galatea.

Alan walked up to the two, who had apparently dozed off in the meadow.

"Hello, Lemongrab, Galatea," Alan woke them, "Galatea? I think I'm your dad."

Galatea woke, rubbed here eyes, and said, "What's a dad?"

"I'll explain later. Right now, I need to meet with a real-estate salesman. I was thinking of getting a place in the mountains, possibly be closer to Marceline."

Alan and Galatea walked off, but first, Galatea pulled a flower from her hair and left in on Lemongrab's lapel.


	19. Alan's Fetch Quest

_[I'm sorry if you guys have been waiting for updates, but I just got into college and I've been writing a screenplay, so I'm pacing myself...Anyway, enjoy!]_

_Finn and Jake stood at the top of a hill and surveying the land before them, as the wind swept through the grass._ "Pretty nice day, Huh, buddy?" Finn said, content to just let the sun shine.

"Yeah. I'm bored."

"Come on, man. The one time I wanna chill, and you're bored?"

"Yup. I'mma go see if there any goings-on in the Candy Kingdom."

"Oh. Okay." Finn mumbled, watching the birds fly through the cotton candy trees.

Jake walked to the Candy Kingdom, where he ran into Alan.

"Hey, Jake!" Alan said.

"Hey, man. 'Sup?"

"Well, Galatea's settled in. I had to let her have my room while the extra bed ships."

"Good..." Jake said absently.

"Bored?"

"Yeah. Finn's all calm today, and I'm lookin' for adventure."

"Huh. Well, you could come with me an' Gally to the Goblin Kingdom. I have a diplomatic mission, and I don't really trust her alone."

"Why?"

"Well, she's kinda...curious. And she handles curiosity like I do. This morning, I woke up to Galatea surrounded by a pile of toaster components."

"Oh...Glad I'm not a dad."

"Heheheh...Yeah." Alan chuckled, "Say, uh, she needs a godfather."

"Yeah?" Jake said, raising his eyebrow.

"Well, you were the first person she met. I'd like you to be her godfather."

"Aw...I'd be honored," Jake said punching Alan's shoulder. Alan then motioned to a doorway.

"Alright, I guess we should go before it gets too late."

"Yeah."

* * *

_Finn still sat on the hill, his legs crossed in a lotus position._ He closed his eyes for a moment, before Peppermint Butler walked up.

"Hello, Finn."

"Hey, Pepps."

"Meditating?"

"Kinda."

"May I join you?"

Finn shrugged, and Peppermint Butler sat down next to him.

The two were silent for a moment, before Finn saw flashes of light. He focused on them, and they came into focus. There was a person, he couldn't see clearly who, glowing with blinding light. They were surrounded by fire, and screams could be heard in the distance. The person shuddered and let out a single tear, which boiled before it hit the ground.

Finn snapped back to reality. "Whoa. That was freaky."

"What?" Peppermint asked.

"I saw something kind of..._onimous_..." Finn said, glowering.

"Like, a bunch of flaming marmosets with bad allergies?"

"What?"

"Oh, uh, nothing..." Pepbuts covered.

* * *

_Jake, Alan and Galatea made it to the Goblin Kingdom with little hassle...aside from Galatea's constant questions._

"Why won't she stop talking!?" Jake whispered.

"She's only existed for a few days, Jake. Ya gotta give her time to adapt!"

"What's that hissy sound that Uncle J's making called?"

"It's called whispering, hon. It's how you talk when you don't want to be overheard."

"Oh. Okay. Where are we?"

"I told you, Gally, we're in the Goblin Kingdom."

"What's a Kingdom?"

"It's a country where a King or Queen is in charge."

"What's a country?"

"It's a place where a bunch of people live and follow the same laws."

"What are laws?"

"Really strict rules that you can go to jail for breaking."

"What's jail?"

"I'll explain later, hon," Alan said, noting Jake's impatient glare.

"Welcome to the Goblin Kingdom! You must be emissaries of Princess Bubblegum!" a guard said.

"Yes, I was sent to retrieve a borrowed book."

"Oh, no need to be so business-like, sir. We were actually going to have a celebration! The Prince was hoping you would stay!"

"What do you think, Jake?"

"Right behind you, man. I'm always up for a party!"

"What's a party?" Galatea asked, much to Jake's annoyance.

* * *

_Finn returned to his meditation, wondering what his first vision meant._ He focused, the thoughts clearing from his mind more easily as the sun crawled downwards through the sky. His mind blanked as a woman appeared, tall, pale, and dark-haired. She was running, but it was uncertain whether she was fleeing or chasing. The image was silent, and it quickly faded, to an image of the tree fort, blazing in an inferno. Finn gasped and snapped back to consciousness, immediately getting up and running home.

He saw the tree fort, completely unharmed.

"Phew. Well, I wonder what that meant?"

"What what meant?" Marceline said, drifting lazily toward him in the twilight.

"I've been having these weird visions when I meditate."

"Have you been eating tomatoes?"

"What? No. It's just...I saw the tree fort on fire."

"Well...I've had visions before. Maybe it wasn't literal."

"Huh. Not literal...Then what could a flaming tree fort mean?"

"I don't know," Marceline shrugged, "I'm just wondering where Alan went."

"Oh, he took Jake and his daughter to the Goblin Kingdom."

Marceline, who was entirely unaware of the circumstances of Galatea's birth, was very confused.

"Da-duh-daughter?"

"Yeah. Her name's Galatea. I think she's pretty nice."

"Daughter? But...He's never even had a...I mean he couldn't..."

"Couldn't what?"

"I'll explain when you're older," Marceline said, Scratching her head and floating to the Goblin Kingdom.

* * *

_The Goblin Prince stood next to his father's empty throne, holding a glass of a strange, almost glowing blue drink._ "I'd like to thank all of you for coming! It has been a long, difficult time since my father passed, but I am glad to finally say his works have been completed! To the King!"

The goblin socialites in the room raised their glasses with the Prince in a toast. Alan was leery of the drink, largely due to...interesting experiences he had in the past with unknown drinks in college.

"So,your majesty, what is the occasion?" Alan asked, largely unaware of the goings-on of the goblin kingdom.

"Ah! You didn't know? My inquisitors have destroyed the last group of Jehovites!"

"Je...Jehovites?"

"Yes, followers of the cult of Jehovah. They've been a thorn in my father's side, and my own, for decades."

"Jehovah, as in, 'God of the Hebrews' Jehovah?"

"Yes."

"As in, 'Our Lord, Heavenly Father, Creator of All, and Father of our Savior, Jesus Christ'?"

"Yes...You speak as if you were one of them!"

Alan grimaced, rubbing his temples. "That, sire, is because I am."

"You...You are a heretic!"

"Excuse me? My god's been worshiped for far longer than yours."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, guys! Alan, you don't wanna fight in front of your daughter, do you?" Jake tried to defuse the argument.

Alan relaxed his shoulders. "No, I suppose that would set a bad example. Gally? Where are you, honey?"

"Daughter? But...you look not a day over twenty!" the Goblin Prince said, momentarily surprised away from the argument.

"Yeah. Long story. Have you seen her? She's made of wood."

"Oh! Well, uh, we do not allow Treefolk in the castle."

"_What!?_"

"Oh, nothing racial, it's just that the insurance has a thing about fire hazards."

"...Alright. Well, where did you put her?"

"The dungeon."

Alan immediately lost his cool. He grabbed the Prince by his lapel and lifted him up to eye level. There was fire in his eyes.

"You put my daughter, only days old, in a dungeon, to save on_ insurance premiums_?" Alan said, so cold it burned.

"Y-y-yes?" the Prince squeaked.

Alan tossed him aside and walked off, before returning to ask for directions. "Where is the dungeon?"

"Follow the leftmost corridor, go down the third staircase on your left."

"Thank you."

Alan left. the Goblin Prince got up and brushed himself off. The guards walked over to the Prince. one of them whispered in his ear, "Shall we have him killed, sire?"

"No. I shall avenge myself later."

* * *

_Alan followed the directions the Prince gave him._ He came upon the dungeon, which was guarded by a small group of Goblin guards carrying spears. "Sir, do you have identification?"

"I'm Alan Sanders, High Mage of the Candy Kingdom, and you are holding my daughter without cause."

"I care not if you were Grod himself. if the Prince ordered it, there was cause."

"Move, or I shall move you myself."

Alan and the head guard stood opposite each other for a moment. The guard could tell Alan was not playing, and he gave. Alan walked into the door and blasted open the lock.

"Gally, are you okay?"

"Yeah daddy! This room is nice and cool, and there are all these cute squeaky things running around! I don't know what they're called, but I love them!"

"Those...are rats. This is a dungeon, and the Prince had no business putting you here. This is a place where bad people go."

"So, am I a bad person?" Galatea's eyes got really big, like she was about to cry.

"No, dear, the Prince is just a jerk."

"Oh. What's a jerk?"

* * *

_Jake, Alan, and Galatea left the Goblin Kingdom, but they were certain that was not the last they'd hear of the Goblin Prince._ This was probably because Alan forgot to retrieve the book. "Wait here for a second."

Alan then flew into the Goblin Prince's study, took the book he was looking for, and then blew a gaping, truck-sized hole in the side of the study, burning the words, "This is for the genocide. More will come."

Alan, Jake and Galatea then returned to the Candy Kingdom. Jake bade them goodbye, and Alan walked into Bubblegum's castle with Galatea.

PB turned from a conversation and waved Alan over. "Alan! I see you got that book!"

"Yes. Now, I need to talk to you in private."

Alan and PB then walked discreetly into a side room.

"What is it, Alan?"

"Were you aware that your closest ally is a tyrant?"

"Excuse me?"

"A tyrant. He murdered an entire religion. _My_ religion."

"That is a very steep accusation to make, Alan."

"I heard him say it, and as your adviser, I suggest you cut off all ties with him."

"You are my magical adviser, not my political adviser. You don't understand the delicate-"

"Don't gimme that necessary evil, political dance BS. I've heard it before and it's all crap. You could wipe out the worl ten times over with your technology. You don't need that monster."

"It's more compli-"

"No. No it isn't. Drop the creep like hot rock. Or better yet, invade and overturn his reign."

"You're not serious, are you?"

"Does this look like a joke? He jailed Galatea. He killed a religion because it annoyed him. He had the gall to call me a heretic to my face. He-"

"He's going to propose to me."

"What."

"He and I both need to marry to inherit our crowns, and such a marriage would consolidate our power."

"I will not support such a marriage. Plus, he'll probably be after my head after I humiliated him and blew a hole in his study."

"...Alan, go home. I'll deal with you when I get the feeling back in my extremities," Bubblegum walked away, doing her best not to absolutely lose it at Alan. Tyrant or not, Alan was way out of line. Alan walked out and stepped over to Galatea, who had fallen asleep in a chair. _Aw,_ Alan thought, _Now that's just precious._


	20. School Bells: Part One

_[Oh my Gob, over 2500 hits! Thanks for reading, and keep reviewing!]_

_Finn and Jake were sitting by their backyard pond, fishing._

"Finn?"

"Yeah, man?"

"Why are we fishing here if there aren't any fish?"

"They're here. They're just hiding."

"...No, We dug this pond ourselves. There aren't any fish here."

"Really? Ya sure?"

"Yeah."

"Hey, I wonder what Alan's up to...," Finn changed the subject, feeling rather stupid.

"Yeah. He hasn't pestered us all day, and I haven't heard any explosions."

The two then went to the Candy Kingdom in search of Alan. They entered the Candy Castle.

"Hey, guys!" Manfred called down from the ceiling.

"Hey, Manfred," The two replied.

"What are you guys up to?"

"You seen Alan?" Jake asked.

"Not since last week. He looked mad."

"Huh," Finn stroked his chin, "Okay, have you seen Peebles?"

"Oh, yeah. She's up in her room."p the ma stair

"Thanks, man," Jake said.

"No problem."

The two walked up the very long flight of stairs to PB's bedroom, and after about two hours, finally reached the top. Finn and Jake paused for a moment to catch their breaths, before Finn calmly knocked on the door.

"Hello? Who is it?" Princess Bubblegum called through the door.

"It's us! Finn and Jake," Jake replied, opening the door.

"No! Don't open that! I just got out of the shower!"

"Oh. Okay. Have you seen Alan? Manfred said he hasn't been here in a week, and nothing's blown up."

"Well, uh," Bubblegum opened her door in her pajamas, with her hair wrapped in a towel, "He's taken a sabbatical."

"A what?" Finn asked.

"Vacation. He and I had a bit of a...personal disagreement."

"Huh. What about?"

Bubblegum would have spilled everything, but she knew Finn would have taken it badly, and she didn't want to lose herself any more friends.

"Oh, well, uh, it's _really, really_ personal."

Finn stood and thought for a moment, but eventually just shrugged. He and Jake turned to leave, but PB stopped them.

"Wait, before you go, I need you guys to help take the census. Normally, I'd have the banana guards do it, but their track record hasn't been so great lately."

"Okay. What's a census?" Finn asked.

"It's a measure of how many people live in the Kingdom, and lots of information about them. I particularly need to know how many children live in the Kingdom so I can hire enough teachers for the schools," Bubblegum explained.

"Wait, you have a school system?" Jake asked.

"Yes, of course!"

"And why hasn't Finn been enrolled?"

"You never signed him up."

"Wait, what? Why should I have to go to school! I'm plenty smart, man!" Finn protested.

PB turned to him and said, "five times eight."

"Forty-eight. See?" Finn said, his arms crossed.

"Uh, dude, five times eight if forty."

"Oh. Nuts."

And with that, Finn was registered to enter Langley H. Gumball Not-Yet-Memorial High School.

* * *

_The next day, Finn found himself alone at the door of the school._ It was a large, gray building, with windows in the walls every few yards. The door itself was large and made of oak. He opened the door, not certain of what he'd find. He entered the door, and saw the last people he'd expect to see here: Alan and Galatea.

"Finn! What's up, man?"

"Jake enrolled me here."

"Awesome. Maybe you'll get some classes with Gally!"

"Not awesome. I don't wanna sit and read all day! There are adventures to do!"

"...That's stupid." Alan said after a pause.

"But-"

"Nope. No buts, it's stupid. School is the reason I'm so awesome at magic! In fact, I took a sabbatical to teach magic and physics here."

"Okay. Why's Galatea here?"

"You need to listen man. She's being enrolled."

Alan then walked out of the room, muttering about candles, while Finn entered the main office to schedule his classes.

* * *

_Marceline yawned and scratched her stomach as she walked down the stairs to her kitchen._ She poured a bowl of red cereal, which could quite probably have been flakes of dried blood, but probably wasn't. She poured the milk, got herself some OJ, and had her breakfast. She had just gotten up to go brush her teeth when she heard a knock at her door. She stumbled in the dim evening light to answer it. Outside the door stood everybody's favorite Sign Golem, Ducky! He was holding a note, which he promptly handed to her.

"Huh? What's this?" Marceline asked.

"A note. Goodbye."

_Weirdo._ Marceline thought to herself as she opened the envelope, which was sealed with a green "A". Inside the envelope was a carefully kerned and lettered letter.

_Dear Marceline,_

_With Galatea around, life has been rather...frantic. I have grown rather lonesome without you, and we have yet to go on a real date. It is with these in mind that I ask you to come to my house for dinner Friday night at ten. I would ask that you dress nicely, please._

_-Alan_

Marceline read the short letter and reread it. _A...A date?_She thought to herself, _I guess I could go. I'll have to find a dress..._ Marceline then went to finish her morning ritual, wonder what Alan, who wore a silk suit on a regular basis, could mean by "dressing nicely."

* * *

_It was Monday, and classes had begun at Gumball High._ Finn dragged his feet on his way to first period, where he would grapple with his eternal enemy, mathematics. He entered the classroom, where a large, somewhat pompous-looking ginger snap. The name Mr. Leibniz was written on the board. He addressed the class.

"Hello, class, my name is Mr. Leibniz. That's not Mr. Leib, or Mr. L. We will be studying mathematics in this course. Now, get out your books and we'll start with with transformations."

Finn raised his hand.

"Please hold your pointless questions until the _end_ of the lecture."

Finn put his hand down and sighed in annoyance.

The rest of his day was not much better, with the teachers moving too quickly and the students uninterested in helping him keep up.

* * *

_Eventually, he got to science with none other than Alan._ He was not looking forward to his brain being pumped with technobabble.

"Okay, everyone! Get to your seats, guys. I need some space!"

Everyone got to their seats before Alan took out a large metal canister with a valved hose attached and an apple. He pointed to the canister and said, "This here is called liquid nitrogen. You see, nitrogen is a gas that makes up most of the atmosphere. It's about three-quarters of the air you breathe. Just like steam on a cold window, nitrogen can condense into a liquid, but it has to be crazy cold (seventy-seven Kelvins, or about minus three-twenty degrees Farenheit)."

He pointed the hose at the apple.

"This is an apple. It does apple stuff." This was met with a few chuckles.

Alan then opened the valve on the hose, blasting the apple with quickly evaporating liquid nitrogen. When he closed the hose, and the nitrogen fog cleared, the apple was covered in frost. Alan then put on a glove, picked up the apple, shouted "FINN! Think fast!", and chucked the frozen apple at him. Finn reflexively drew his sword from his backpack and struck the apple, which shattered. The other students talked among themselves, truly amazed by what they just saw.

"Ya see how that apple shattered instead of slicing cleanly? That's because the liquid nitrogen froze it solid. By the way, Finn, you're not supposed to have swords at school."

Alan officially became the "cool teacher" at that moment.

* * *

_The week worked out roughly along those lines, with Finn despising every class up until the end of the day._ Finn struggled with the homework, often getting help from Jake or Princess Bubblegum, scraping by with D's and C's on his first few assignments. Friday had come, and Finn was relieved to be able to just relax and kick some butt.

* * *

_At the base of a small mountain in the Mountain Kingdom, Alan was cleaning his house in preparation for Marceline._ He helped Galatea with her homework before sending her off to bed, and started cooking. Nothing complex, just some spaghetti (no garlic), and warming up some rolls. Alan's heart was in his throat, mostly because this was his first real date, and he wanted things to go well. While the pasta cooked, he went to get changed into one of his better suits, a bottle-green one, a bit more understated than his usual attire. _Alright, got the food, the clothes...Candles!_ Alan went over a mental checklist, before running off to get some candles. He grabbed a bunch of candles, of varying heights, widths, shapes, and colors. He quickly sorted them and decided on a pair of light blue candles with runes etched into the sides. He set the table, and had just drained the pasta when he heard a knock at his door. "Alan? It's me!" Marceline said.

"Door's open. I'm just getting finished setting up."

Marceline walked in. She was wearing a black dress, cut asymetrically so that the leftmost edge of the skirt fell a few inches further than the right. It was suspended from her right shoulder. It was well-fitted, but comfortable, and it flattered her figure well. Needless to say, when Alan turned and looked at her, he momentarily and literally forgot how to breathe. His face would have turned beet red, if not for the fact that it was turning blue.

"Alan? You okay? You're turning blue..."

"Uh, wha? Oh, yeah, I, uh, I'm fine. You just...you look...er, your dress is..."

"Too much?"

"No, no, you look great. But could you let your hair down? it looks better that way."

"Uh, alright. What are we having?"

"Spaghetti."

"You know I can't-"

"Eat garlic? Yeah. I made sure not to use any."

"Huh."

A somewhat awkward void appeared in the conversation, as Alan served the food.

"So, how are you, Marceline?"

"I'm alright. Been a while since I wore this dress. How's teaching?"

"It's alright. The magic classes didn't have more than twelve people interested," Alan said, as he sat down at the small dining room table.

"Sorry to hear that," Marceline replied, pouring some lemonade from a carafe on the table. Alan lit some candles. They were blue, with runes inscribed on the side. Instead of a normal flame, it glowed with a strange, astral light, like if somebody caught a star and held it over a table. A few pale embers floated away, dissolving into the air.

"It's actually been a boon, really. A small class means that I can pay each student more attention. Like this one exchange kid from the Duck Kingdom, Armand, has a real gift with divination, but he can't mix reagents to save his life!"

"Huh. So how does your magic work, anyway? I can't feel any ley lines here, but your aura's the same as always."

"Ah. That's the thing. My magic doesn't rely on external power sources, but on my own soul. Magical nullifiers still work, but not power barriers."

"Huh."

The two ate and talked for a while, but Marceline felt a little uneasy the whole time. Eventually she finally said the one thing she had meant to say this whole time:

"So what's this I hear about a daughter?"

"Oh, Galatea? Yeah, she's my kid."

"But...How would that...How did you...You've never had a girlfriend, right?"

"Unless you count yourself, that is correct."

"Then how did you..."

"Finn's tree."

That response pulled many bizarre images to Marceline's mind, but she shook them away.

"Wha...Finn's...Finn's tree?"

"Yeah! I came back to life, and I went to say 'hi' to Finn, I startled him, he threw me into his tree so hard my spine shattered, some of my extra energy spilled into the tree, I healed, and Gally came from the tree."

"Oh...kay?" Marceline was just way too weirded out by this. She let it go, though. The dinner finished, Duck Xing cleared the plates away and returned carrying a guitar. Alan took the guitar and proceeded to tune it.

"Alan? What are you doing?" Marceline said, as Alan magically lowered the light of the candles.

"It took me a while to learn this thing, but I think it'll be worth it."

Alan then began to strum "More Than Words," gently singing.

"_Saying 'I love you' is not the words I want-"_

Marceline blushed profusely. She walked out of the room. Alan dropped the guitar and followed.

* * *

_Monday morning, Alan walked into his afternoon physics class a full ten minutes after the bell, with dark circles under his eyes._

"Hey, Alan!" Finn called from his seat, "What're we learning today?"

"My name, within the confines of this school, is Professor Sanders," Alan said tersely. He walked to the board, wrote some page numbers on it, and said, "Complete the reading and the questions that follow. There will be a test on it on Friday." Alan then sat heavily at his desk and started reading. The expression he wore was the grimace of somebody who had lost a part of their soul.

The physics classroom quickly became Finn's least favorite class, as Alan came in to class in a worse state each day for the rest of week. Eventually, Finn got sick of the combined forces of soul-numbing boredom in his classes and worry over Alan's emotional state, and confronted him in the hall after school.

"What's wrong, Alan?"

"That's not your concern, Finn. And you do not address me as Alan in this building."

"You're bringing everybody down, man! What's wrong!"

"Oh, I'm sorry. Is my heartbroken despair getting in the way of a fun physics lesson? How rude of me. Let me get the ghost of Bill Nye to fill in," Alan fumed.

"What is wrong with you! I just want to help you out, and you're being a total wad!"

"I'm in pain! And unless you can turn back time, you can't help."

"What. Is. WRONG?"

"Marceline dumped me! Apparently, I came on to strong, and she was weirded out by the fact that I'm a parent! My one chance at love, and I blew it sky high!"

"Do you feel better now that you've talked about it?" Finn asked naïvely.

"NO! I feel _WORSE!_ Now I can only think about the pain! You have only succeeded in making me more miserable! Goodbye, and good luck with your substitute teacher! I quit!" Alan shouted as he walked down the hall. He kept walking down the road, into a cave, and the screams of random cave monsters.

Another student walked up to Finn and said, "Dude, what's up with Professor Sanders?"

"He's...He's in a funk."

The student shrugged, "Whatevs."

* * *

_Without Alan's teaching, the magic classes were cancelled indefinitely, and physics became exactly as dull as every other class._ Finn's grades slowly slipped, and he became the subject of teasing, being called "the dumb kid." As anyone who knows Finn could predict, this meant he got into a lot of fights. After one such fight, he was sent home to Jake. Jake was annoyed.

"Come on, dude. Another fight?"

"They kept calling me stupid!"

"You broke a guy's arm!"

"They were ganging up on me!"

"You have to control yourself, man! These guys don't know what kind of dragon they're pokin'!"

"Maybe if I didn't have to go to that school, I wouldn't be getting into all those fights."

Jake just rubbed his forehead. Long story short, it was a poor week for everyone. For the most part though, the next would be better.

* * *

_Alan walked into his house, his anger finally burnt off._ When he opened the door, he was greeted by a familiar face.

"Hello, Marceline," Alan said cheerfully. His expression then became very dark, "Get out."

"Alan, please wait."

"I will ask one more time. And then I will remove you from the house."

"I'm sorry."

Alan's face moved quickly from anger to confusion. "Why are you apologizing?"

"I kinda dumped you."

"That was your prerogative."

"So you're okay?"

"_Yeah._ I spent six straight hours after you left crying for fun and profit." Alan rolled his eyes.

"Six hours?"

"Yeah. People kinda react strongly when you crush their hearts for stupid reasons."

"You said 'I love you' on the first date!"

"It was a song!"

"I-well, I just...I wasn't really ready. My last relationship ended badly, and-"

"And that gives you free rein to make _me_ suffer?"

"Yes! No! I...I'm sorry. I've been around a long time, and it's gotten hard to tell right from wrong, and I hurt people."

"Oh, you're old, and that makes cruelty acceptable? Honestly, I am sick and tired of people who use immortality as an excuse for wanton cruelty and hedonism! It's disgusting!"

"Argh! I came to apologize and now you're lecturing me on morals? You are so...miserable!"

"Yeah, yeah I am! Surviving a nuclear war, sittin' alone in a tower for over a thousan' years, bein' consumed by a giant malevolent incarnation of death, learnin' that you are not only the last of yer religion, but also your _species_, and _having your heart crushed_ by the **_first person who ever returned your affections on any level_** will do that to you! The point is that regardless, I get up every day and try to do some good, regardless of how horribly agonizing my life has become, no matter how much I want to sink back into the void from which I came, no matter how much I _want to die_, I can't. I have to put on a brave face and keep fighting my own self-loathing and emotional damage in order to just get through the day! So before you complain about how much it sucks to be an unaging, eternally sexy, hedonistic creature of the night with exactly zero responsibilities, stop and shut up instead."

Marceline stopped and processed Alan's tirade for a moment.

"You think I'm sexy?"

Alan was momentarily furious, but instead of screaming a long string of very crude epithets, he started laughing. He laughed, not a slasher laugh, or cathartic laughter, but actual, comedic laughter.

"Yes, I do. Now, can we please just move past this and patch things up?"

"So you're not mad anymore?"

"Nah, I've let it all out."

At that moment, Galatea walked in from school. "Hi, Daddy. Who's this lady?"

"Gally, this is Marceline. She's my..." Alan turned to Marceline, who nodded, "...girlfriend."

"Hi, I'm Galatea. Do you wanna be friends?"


	21. School Bells: Part Two

_[As my friend Knuckles pointed out, the previous chapter was rather dark. Well, here we go: "School Bells, Part Two," or, "How Alan and Finn Nearly Got Themselves Killed for Math."_

_Finn awoke one fine Saturday at about noon, but not of his own accord._ He was awoken by the boombox that was placed next to him and was blaring disco. He rubbed his eyes and saw Alan by the bed, wearing blue denim shorts, black sneakers, and a T-shirt which read "Bageler to the Stars." That's right, people, the silly T's are back, baby! He appeared to be exercising.

"Wha...What are you doing, man?"

"Squat-thrusts!"

"No, I mean," Finn turned off the boombox, "What are you doing _here_?"

"Well, I looked at your grades, and I thought I'd help you learn. _Your way._"

"Whatcha mean?"

"Well, I told the entire army of the Robot Kingdom that their collective parents were garage-sale blenders. They're on their way. Say, quick quiz: They're about 150 miles away, and they'll be here in about thirty seconds. How fast are they going?"

"Uh..." Finn thought for about twenty-nine seconds, "thirty miles a minute?"

At that moment, Alan grabbed Finn, jumped out the window with him, and told him to start running. "Nope! 300 miles a minute! You were off by a decimal place! Now run!"

The robots were gaining, but Finn and Jake were powered by pure adrenaline. They wound some horses and took off toward the Mountain Kingdom before the robots eventually lost interest. Alan then turned them toward a cliff, where they stopped. "Yo Finn!"

"Yeah?" Finn panted.

"If we jumped here, and there was no air resistance, how fast would we be going when we hit the ground? Just for the record, this cliff is about 270 meters high."

"I dunno."

"Well, let's figure it out!" Alan said, before shouting "_Craicinn Bhuitreach!"_ grabbing Finn, and leaping off the cliff.

"Dude! Why would you do that!?"

"The formula is √(2gd), where g is the gravity of Earth, 9.80 meters per square second, and d is the distance in meters!"

"You _are INSANE!_" Finn shouted.

"Answer and we teleport away, safe and sound!"

"I dunno, uh...seventy-two!"

"Label your units!" Alan shouted. Mind you, they were speaking very quickly, as this was only a medium-tall cliff.

"Seventy-two meters a second!"

"**BINGO**! _Tharaingt Asal!_"

The two found themselves on the ground at the base of the cliff, unharmed. For all of you nerds there that will complain that momentum was not conserved, Alan used the kinetic energy to partially power the spell, so hush.

Alan then held out his fist. "Nice job, man! You did that all in your head!"

"I used a lot of guesstimating."

"And...?"

"Prime factoring..."

"And...?"

"And multiplication!"

"See! When life is on the line, math is easy!"

"Is that how you got so good?"

"Nah. I'm just a nerd. Now. Hey, canyon monsters! You all wear pink frilly undies!"

"Come on, man!"

"Alright, watch. My shield can take about 50 kN of combined force. Each monster's gonna have fists that travel at about twenty meters per second. I want you to count how many times the shield is hit before it shatters and figure out the average mass of their fists, assuming no overflow."

At that moment, a bunch of big, burly trolls came out and got ready to whomp Alan, who had placed a shield dome over himself. The trolls struck a grand total of thirty-eight times before Alan's shield gave out. Alan then transported them to a nearby beach. Finn picked up a stick and started doing math in the sand. First, he divided 50,000 N (50 kN in Newtons) by 38, giving each strike a total force of about 1300 N. He then divided 1300 (kg*m)/(s*s) (aka Newtons) by 20 m/(s*s). This came out to 65 kg, the average mass of each troll's fist. This, in Imperial units, means that each fist weighed a whopping 143 pounds. They were big trolls.

"Wait...This can't be right...only 65 kilograms?"

"No, that's right. It's a lot more than it sounds like. Metric units are funny that way."

"I never got metric units." Finn said, sitting in the sand and relaxing for a moment, "I mean, gimme a third of a meter."

"Gimme a tenth of a foot."

"Touché."

"Okay, here's a little statistics. Say this bag of gemarbles," Alan produced a small bag, "Has twenty-five marbles. Five of them are explosive. What are the chances of taking an explosive marble out of the bag? Keep in mind, if you get this wrong, I will make you try it."

"Easy, man! 1/5!"

"Okay, now, if I split this into five groups, each with one explosive marble, what are the chances of pulling the explosive marble out of each group?"

"Huh. Okay, I have a one in five chance of pulling one out of one group, so I should have the same chance pulling 5 out of five groups!"

"BZZT! Wrongo! You don't add these probabilities together; you multiply 'em! so it's not 1:(5*5), but 1:(5^5), or 1:3125. So pull a marble from each group. And don't worry. The explosion won't be dangerous unless you get all five."

"Dude, you're nuts."

"Okay, if you do this, and we don't get blown to Hell, I'll wear a disco suit for a week."

"Deal. But first, where's Hell?"

"It's like the Nightosphere, but more layer-cakey, at least according to Dante." Alan shrugged. Finn reached into the bags, which had split from the original bag. He pulled out a marble with a skull. He pulled out another. And another. And another. He had four skull marbles. One more, and they would both be badly burned at the least. He reached in, and pulled out a marble with...an American flag in the center.

"God bless America!" Alan said.

"Phew. Looks like you're stuck with disco suits."

"Joke's on you. I look great in those!"

At that moment, the robots, the trolls, and just random people who had been having a bad morning and were in the mood for an angry mob finally found Alan and Finn.

"Oh Sh-"

"GET THEM!" the mob shouted, drowning Alan out.

"RUN!" Finn shouted. He probably could have beaten them all, but it simply wouldn't have been practical.

The two ran for the rest of the day, eventually just running their pursuers to exhaustion. They finally came to a stop on a hill, where Alan turned, pointed, laughed, and said, "Ha! That's what you get for chasing members of a species with some of the greatest natural endurance and distance running ability in the animal kingdom, JACKWAGONS!" He then wheezed, sat down, and took off his shoes.

"So, what was the whole point of this again?" Finn asked.

"14 times 12."

"168."

"There ya go. Ya see, the brain is a powerful computer, but it's very tricky. You have to know just how to work it. It turns out, you learn best in high-risk situations, so I thought that the best way to tutor you would be to nearly kill you. Repeatedly."

"That's...That sound kinda psycho."

"Yeah, but it worked, dinnit?"

"...Whoa. Mind. Blown."

"That's what I thought. So, I hope you do well on your test."

"Test?"

"Oops. Well, I'm off to get some disco suits. Bye!"

Finn watched as Alan walked into the distance.

* * *

_Finn came into school rather nervous on Monday, as he was not looking forward to the surprise test that he had accidentally been tipped off to._ When the test was placed in front of him, it looked as nonsensical as always, until Finn thought about the events of Saturday. He then got hit with a stroke of genius and went straight to work on the test.

The rest of the day flew by as Finn went through his classes, wondering about his grade on the test. He entered physics, where the students were muttering something about Professor Sanders and his "new look."

The murmurs had subsided moments before Alan entered the room in a white disco suit with a bottle-green tie and silver buttons. He wore a gold medallion on an equally golden chain, and he actually did look pretty good. "Alright class, today, we'll begin by shooting things out of this here air cannon," Alan grunted as he lifted a very large compressed air cannon out from behind his table.

* * *

_Finn was putting his things away, when Alan asked him to stay after class, to the amusement of the rest of the class._

"What's up, Professor Sanders?"

"Go ahead and call me Alan, bro. It's after school. Just wanted to tell you that you passed your test."

"What?"

"Yep. C+."

"Sweet! I gotta tell Jake!"

"Have fun, dude!"


	22. Jake Vs Me-Mow: Round 2

_Finn and Jake sat on the top of their tree fort, watching the sun rise._ "You know what dude?" Jake said.

"What?" Finn replied.

"I'm proud of you, dude. You brought your grades up, and you're still the best swordsman in Ooo."

"Thanks, man. But don't get all gooey on me."

"No probs," Jake punched Finn's shoulder.

At that moment, a small circular disk of light appeared in front of them. Alan's face was visible in the center. He had deep bags under his eyes, and he was pale as death, with his veins glowing a fluorescent green through his skin. "Guys," Alan wheezed, "Come to my house, but don't come in," Alan stopped to hack and cough for a moment, "I need your help."

* * *

_Finn and Jake came as quickly as they could. _Alan was obviously in danger.

"Alan? What's going on?" Finn pounded on the door.

"Finn! Come on in, but leave Jake at the door. I don't wanna infect him."

Finn walked into the house, and, upon entering the living room, saw that it was filled with an impromptu laboratory. Alan was looking through books frantically.

"Alan? What is it?"

Alan turned to Finn. He looked even worse than in the message, the veins in his face casting a sickly green light. "I've been poisoned."

"POISONED? By who?"

"I don't know. I don't even know what kind of poison it is. All I know is that it's attacking my magical ability."

"Okay...Can't you go to the library and look it up?"

"I don't even know if it's contagious! I don't want to infect everyone with magical properties, man! I need you to investigate a note I found left on my pillow," Alan said, holding a plastic bag containing a parchment. The parchment was blank except for a single, dark-rimmed eye, with the letters G-O-A written beneath it.

"I recognize this note. It's from the Guild of Assassins."

"Well, that makes sense."

"Makes sense?"

"With all the crap I've pulled, I'm surprised I don't have ten kingdoms after me. Alright, you'll probably wanna infiltrate the guild and find out who called the hit. I'l contact PB and see if she can help me identify this"

Finn left the house and filled Jake in on the details.

"Assassins, huh? I gotta bone to pick with them."

"Okay, be we gots to be on the down low, dude."

"Way ahead of ya," Jake said, putting on a black outfit strongly reminiscent of El Zorro.

* * *

_Finn and Jake found themselves in the place they believed would be most likely to house the Guild: _Thief City. The unwashed masses bumped past our heroes, instinctively sensing the danger about them. Finn and Jake played up the part to the best of their ability, swaggering and snarling at those who met their cold gazes. The pushed open the door of a nearby saloon, The Angry Bedpan. Clearly this was an establishment of great taste and culture.

"We're looking for the Assassin's Guild!" Finn shouted in a less-than-subtle manner. He was met with a saloon full of annoyed glares.

"What's it to ya?" the barkeep replied, his sweaty, acne-ridden face glistening in the grimy lighting.

"What's it to _you_, pimple-face?" Jake lashed back.

The barkeep shrunk back. Everyone else resumed their business, taking care not to meet their gazes. A wolf-man in a dark cloak sat in the corner, quietly chuckling.

"What are you laughin' at, punk?" Finn said, walking toward the lupine chuckler.

"Who wants to know?"

"Bitterleaf," Finn said.

"Greenhilt," Jake followed up.

"The name is Moontail," The wolf said in an easy Californian accent, "Head recruiter for the Assassin's Guild."

Moontail held up his hand, which had an eye tattooed on its palm. He was very careful to keep his voice down, as he had enemies, like any high-ranking member of his organization would. "I can tell just from looking at you that you are both skilled killers. I am in a position to offer two such skilled and willing applicants a once-in-a-lifetime offer: Permanent guild membership, and an immediate promotion to first-degree assassins."

"What's the catch?" Jake raised his eyebrow.

"You need to take care of somebody."

"Who's the mark?" Finn asked.

"Eager ones, eh? I suppose I can tell you...It's a cat, who's been a thorn in my side for a while."

"Cat?" Jake asked quizzically.

"Yes, a recruit that has repeatedly failed her test to become a full guild member. I have been tasked with either making certain she kills her next mark, or having her killed."

"And why do you want her dead?" Finn asked.

"You ask a lot of questions, but I'll chalk that up to being new to the assassin game. I have a bet that she'll lose. I won't be in debt, but I could use the extra shekels. You're looking for a cat named Me-Mow. Kill her before she kills her mark, and you'll both be full members. Fail, and I'll disavow you and hunt you down for attacking one of my students. Capisci?"

"Capiamo, Moontail. This...Me-Mow character...Who's she after?"

"Some wizard named Alan. One of the teachers at Langley. Shame, an educator ends up in our cross-hairs. No rest for the wicked, I guess."

* * *

_Alan is working furiously at his study, a laptop open next to him._ Bubblegum's concerned face is on the screen, while a series of complex formulae and obscure poisons and diseases were projected on the wall.

"I don't see why you can't use magic for this, Alan," Bubblegum said.

"I don't even know what this is doing to me. I have to conserve my magic in case that makes it worse. Did you get those cultures I mailed you?"

"They just came in by owl. Based on the way it's affecting you, it may be a retrovirus."

"Ah, good, we know what it might be. I might be able to whip up an alchemical reverse transcriptase inhibitor. I just need you to analyze it and see if we can manufacture antibodies."

"Alright, I'll keep you posted. Where, may I ask, is Galatea?"

"She had a quote-'girls night'-unquote with Marceline, so I'm having her stay there. Those two have really hit it off."

"And, uh, are you still mad about the thing with Gar-I mean, the Goblin Prince?"

"Mildly."

"Oh. Alright."

Bubblegum's video feed closed and Alan set to mixing some reagents, if only to slow his demise.

* * *

_Finn and Jake reported to Guild HQ, to receive instruction in Guild Rules, and to find intel on Me-Mow_. They stood in a line with a group of prospective assassins, all looking very excited to get out of the squalor of the city and into the well-kept hall of the Assassins. Moontail walked in, and any chatter ceased as each new recruit immediately stood ramrod straight. Moontail walked up to the first recruit and touched his chest. "You're dead. If I had been an enemy, you would have been killed immediately. Get out."

The recruit looked crestfallen, but did not dare defy Moontail's word. He walked toward the door, and Moontail snapped. The ex-recruit became an ex-person, with dozens of arrows in his back.

"Nobody leaves the Guild. The Guild is your new family. It is your new home. It is your Gob. You do not leave the guild. You do not reveal its workings to outsiders. You protect your own. You kill the mark the _first_ time. And remember, Nothing is true, _everything is permitted_."

He then handed everyone a Guild manual, giving Finn and Jake a subtle wink.

"Report to the armory for sparring! Now" Moontail barked.

Finn and Jake walked where Moontail pointed, and were in awe of the huge wall of weaponry before them. It was to two experienced warriors what a rack of unguarded adult magazines would be to a twelve-year-old boy. There were more swords, knives, halberds, glaives, stave, axes, maces, hammers, morningstars, longbows, short bows, crossbows, shuriken, slings, dirks, daggers, nunchaku, sai, khopeshes, Talwar, Meteor hammers, spiked and unspiked chains, katana, wakizashi, nodachi, oodachi, whips, and all manner of weapons even an omniscient viewer like me, the narrator, could not reasonably identify.

"Whoa..." Finn and Jake both said, amazed at the selection before them.

They spent an hour fighting while Moontail barked at them.

First, Finn was to spar with a gray cat person. The cat extended his claws, and Finn drew his sword. The cat lunged, and Finn dodged. Finn lined up an attack and swung, but missed. The cat waved his hands momentarily and muttered a few words, and the two were plunged into darkness.

"Whoa! What's going on?"

"This is the Spell of Darkness. Assassins who have the brainpower can learn useful magic effects. Maybe one day you'll know it too, trainee," The cat sneered, before drawing in close with his claws. Finn caught his paw and tossed him out of the ring, as the darkness faded. The cat got up and snarled angrily at Finn and leaped at him. Finn evaded, and then pommeled him with his sword. The cat slumped to the ground in a daze.

Jake was busy fighting one of the larger students and wasn't afraid to beat him down. The thug swung and nearly hit Jake's fast, while Jake ducked and stretch-punched the thug in the teeth. He was out in one shot. The first day of training went on like that for a while, before Finn and Jake were dismissed for the rest of the day. It was at that point that they left to search for Me-Mow.

* * *

_Alan shivered in his house, even though he had a 103°_. "I gotta...gotta find..." he murmured, his veins now pulsing with bluish light. His alchemical brew had slowed the progress of the disease, but it was still ravaging his body. He heard his laptop jingle, and he pulled up the video chat.

"Alan! I know what the disease is!"

"Ugh."

"It's call the spellrot, and it only effects arcane and divine magic-users. It comes in five stages: Itching, fever, loss of magical ability, delirium, and death."

"Cure?"

"Still looking. Just...just hold in there, and keep fighting."

"Sure. Lemme get some ice," Alan grunted, before walking over to his freezer and sticking his head in. He sighed in relief, and returned to his work. He gazed into a microscope, hoping his Wizard Eyes could give him an insight that was beyond Bubblegum's senses into the structure of the virus. His eyes burned for a moment, and then his whole body, as magical energy leeched from his body. He coughed and retched and then his body was calm. He took out his magic mirror and tried to call Finn. No response. "Damn. Dead. And I might be in the same boat.

* * *

_"WHERE IS SHE?"_ Finn screamed at a terrified snake.

"Who?"

"Me-Mow!" Jake shouted._ They had searched through Me-Mow's room earlier and found a photograph of her and the snake._

"I don't know who that is!" the snake lied through his fangs.

"No dice, buddy! We found a photo of you together! Now where is she?" Finn shouted, slamming the snake against the wall.

_They returned to the Angry Bedpan, where they terrified the bartender into telling them where the snake was._

"I don't know!"

"Bull-plopsky! Tell us where she is, or we'll taer out your fangs!" Jake shouted.

"Dude, that's pretty dark."

"You heard Moontail! She dies or we do!"

_They found him, and followed him into an alleyway. Jake morphed his hand into a knife and pushed the snake against a wall._

"I'm just tryin' to scare him, bro." Jake whispered.

"Looking for me, creeps?" Me-Mow called down the alleyway.

Finn and Jake turned to face her.

"Let. The snake. Go."

"Alright. You're the one we want anyway," Finn said.

"You two couldn't take me in a hundred years, newbies."

"Let's see about that." Jake said, removing his mask and throwing a punch at Me-Mow.

"You!" Me-Mow evaded the attack, leaped atop Jake's hand, and rode it back to Jake's face. She drew a dagger and sliced Jake's face, leaving a small nick.

"Hahahaha! You can't hurt us, Me-Mow! Your knife can barely break the skin!"

"Greater Invisibility!" Me-Mow shouted, before vanishing from sight. Finn yowled in pain and clutched his leg, which had a large gash in it.

"Where is she?" Jake shouted.

"I dunno! She must have sneak attacked me!"

"I can do much more than a sneak attack, Human! Given enough time, I can kill you in a single-" Me-Mow was interrupted by Jake's fist, as he had used her blabbering to identify her location. She landed against the wall, where she faded back into view. This is we you don't talk while you're invisible.

Me-Mow got up and ran out of the alleyway, shouting "Obscuring Mist!" and leaving a cloud of fog behind her.

The two gave chase, running out of the alley behind her. She ran up the side of a nearby building and into the window. Finn grabbed onto Jake as he stretched into the same window. They found themselves in a living room. The resident, a greenish man, was very surprised, mostly because he was in his underpants.

"Holy fuzz, man! What the math is wrong with this city!?"

"Sorry dude! Chasing a tiny cat with a knife!"

"Oh! Whatever, just don't get dirt on the rug."

Me-Mow leaped out the window, climbing up the fire escape. Finn and Jake ran in pursuit, covering the rug in dirt.

"Argh! I said not to get the rug dirty, man!"

The two ignored him and chased Me-Mow, the three of them running along the side of the wall. Me-Mow jumped across the gap onto a nearby clothesline, using a pair of boxers to zip-line over to a nearby building. Finn sheathed his sword and swung over, using Jake as a rope. They saw Me-Mow jumping of the edge of the building. She shouted "Dimension Door!" and vanished in a flash of light.

"Jake! Do you have her scent?"

"She spent ten minutes in my nose. Of course I know her scent!" Jake retorted, sniffing the air.

Jake pick Finn up off the ground and carried him off in the direction of Me-Mow's scent.

* * *

_Alan sat at his desk, quivering in fear and mania._ "I...I...I can't...I can't think!"

Alan was plunged into a nightmare of his own mind. He stood in the center of an empty white room, alone and silent. The room went dark, except for a dim, eerie red light. From the shadows rose several darkened figures, humanoid in shape. "Who's there?"

The figures remained silent.

"Who are you?" Alan shuddered. He could hear the figures breathing, a rasping, wheezing breath. The figures shuffled around him, coughing and muttering. One of the figures stepped forward. He was a horribly disfigured man, his body burnt and his limbs misshapen. He had a clump of red hair on his head.

"B-Barns?" Alan gasped, backing away a few paces.

"Why? Why did you get to live?" Barney moaned.

"I...I don't..."

"Why!" another figure stepped out of the shadows. It was once a woman, her back bowed and her torso burnt down to the bones.

"Guh-guh-Gloria," Alan said. He recognized this woman as the last in a long line of women who ignored him, before the war.

"Why? Why? Why?" the rest of the figures came out, all his dearest friends and family. Their faces were contorted into looks of hatred and pain, "Why did you live? Why did we die?"

"I don't..." Alan was in tears, pulling at his hair. He was in utter agony, and he could feel blisters growing on his skin. The room was spinning, as the red light got brighter and brighter. He was burning, at first figuratively, and then literally. His own flesh and the flesh of his past both burned, wreaking a huge stench. The people were circling him, collapsed on the floor, their bodies burning into charred bones, chanting, "Alan! Alan! Alan!"

"Alan!" Bubblegum shouted, trying to bring Alan back to Earth.

"Gah! Huh? PB?"

"Alan! You've already slipped into the fourth stage! You have to try and keep a clear head!"

"Clear...Head? Hahaha! You're made of candy!"

"Yes, I am."

"Haha! Candy face!"

"Alan!" PB slapped Alan in the face, "You need to focus!"

"Focus? Hocus-pocus-locust-chokus-brokus-smokus-jokus-focus!" Alan giggled.

"Alan! You're scaring me!"

"Why! I'm having fun! I want to ride the indigo pony! IT'S...VENTURE CAPITAL TIME!" Alan laughed madly.

"Alan! Stop!"

"Stop what? Moving? Singing? The Funk? Living! Yes! I'm gonna stop living! That's it! I'm dying! Hahahaha! DYING!" Alan cackled, almost gleefully.

"Alan, please, stop laughing! This is serious!"

"Serious? What are you talking about? I had a good run! I'm honestly a few centuries past due! Impressive, huh?" Alan laughed giddily, and his laughter slowly decayed into tears. He calmed down after a moment, hugging PB and shaking.

"Are...Are you okay?"

"Yeah...I'm alright now. Thanks for helping me snap outta that. Now let's try and cure this before I push up daisies," Alan said, stumbling back to his chemicals.

At that moment, Me-Mow leaped in the window.

* * *

_Finn and Jake followed Me-Mow's scent trail for miles at full tilt._ Me-Mow was moving as quickly as she could, and shouted, "Pass Without Trace!"

"I lost the scent, Finn!"

"No problem! I figured out where she was headed! High-tail it to Alan's!"

They screamed forward, trying to beat Me-Mow to Alan's.

"Are...Are you okay?" Bubblegum asked

"Yeah...I'm alright now. Thanks for helping me snap outta that. Now let's try and cure this before I push up daisies," Alan said, stumbling back to his chemicals.

At that moment, Me-Mow leaped in the window.

"You! How are you not dead yet?" Me-Mow demanded.

"I'm rather gifted with," Alan coughed for a moment, "alchemy."

"Die, wizard!"

"PB! Try to figure a cure, I'll hold her off!"

"How? You don't have your magic!"

"I have a staff."

Finn and Jake burst in the window. Alan, Finn and Jake occupied Me-Mow, who had gained quite a bit more competence since her last battle with Finn and Jake.

"False Life!" she shouted, while ducking past Finn and landing a cut to his side.

Alan and Jake both tried to strike at her, but Alan was too out of it, and Jake barely missed. Finn raised his foot and stomped, narrowly missing. Every attack the three tried to make missed, but they kept Me-Mow on the defensive. Alan was getting slower and clumsier, and he eventually slumped over on the floor. Me-Mow laughed cruelly. "It's useless! There's no cure for spellrot! And even if there was, it's beyond your reach!"

"Only...barely..." Alan said, before uttering two bizarre words.

"_**QYBWLT**_** MWGBRT!**"

Suddenly, Princess Bubblegum had a stroke of genius, and began madly mixing chemicals. She quickly had a glowing orange concoction in a syringe, which she brought to the dying Alan. She injected it into his throat, and he immediately opened his eyes. They glowed as brightly as ever with magical power. Me-Mow stepped back in surprise.

"H-h-how? How did you cast a spell? Your magic was gone!"

"Only Arcane and Divine." Alan cast a lightning bolt at Me-Mow.

"You were a fool to think I'd only use those types of magic! I've dabbled in nearly every form of mystical power, including the use of truespeech." He created a hand of force, which held Me-Mow firmly.

"And by the way, now that I have a hold on you, you're going to jail. For good."

"I might have something to say about that!" Moontail jumped in the window.

"And you are...?" Alan said, charging a force bolt.

"Her handler. I'd have a word with these two," he glanced to Finn and Jake, "But they weren't breaking the rules...Protect your own and all that."

Moontail then picked up Me-Mow, hopped out the way he came in, and the group sat and rested.

* * *

_"Have you found her?"_ A voice called to Moontail in the darkness.

"Yes. Where shall I bring her?"

"Leave her in a cave in the Ice Kingdom. I will repay you soon."


	23. This Isn't What It Looks Like!

_[Sorry about the slow updates, but I've been working on another fic, college, my GURPS campaign, a friend's D&D game (If you couldn't tell, I enjoy RPGs), and it's been nuts. I'm still psyched that this fic has gotten over 3,200 hits, rib-crushing hugs for the support, and please review and enjoy By the way, in case you were wondering, Alan is level 50 (Wizard 10/Archivist 10/Soul Magus Prestige Class 20/Loremaster 2/Exemplar 4/Archmage 3/Contemplative 1). And he's still a dozen or so levels behind Finn and Jake.]_

Alan and PB were hiding beneath a large oak desk in a stone room. "This is the LAST time I ever invite you to one of my tea parties!" PB whispered angrily to Alan.

"Oh, hush! Your boyfriend was the one who got Rico all riled up!" Alan hissed back. There was a pounding at the door, as if an angry mob was trying to break it down. Luckily, it was huge, solid, and reinforced with magic.

"I mean, seriously! Who invites eldritch horrors to a tea party?!"

"Well, me, obviously," Alan snarked. Bubblegum frowned in annoyance. "But I didn't invite him. He kinda...followed me there."

"We know you're in there, Alan! Come out with the Princess, and we promise you a fair trial!" Peppermint Butler's voiced echoed through the chambers.

Alan and PB looked at each other, and then Alan whispered "_amhailt_ _cóip_," as illusory doubles of Alan and the Princess appeared. Alan opened the door magically, and after it closed behind them, the two heard, "Get him! Tear his legs off! Wait a minute! This is an illusion!"

"So much for a fair trial,_ jack-wagon_s!"

"You will be made to answer for your crimes, Sanders!"

* * *

_11 hours 30 minutes earlier..._

"Yo Peebles! You up for a game of Card Wars?" Finn said as he walked into the main hall of the Candy Castle. There was no answer. Finn walked down an empty corridor. "PB?"

"Princess Bubblegum! Where are you?" Finn called, searching through the castle. He listened carefully, and heard talking from the other end of the castle, in the East Tower.

In the East Tower, Alan, Princess Bubblegum, and the Goblin Prince were having tea.

"I'm glad you could both come over."

"It is a pleasure to be here, my dear," GP replied, smiling and sipping his tea.

"Pah. Cut the affable facade, Slimebag. we both know you hate being here as much as I do," Alan snarled.

"I disagree. I simply wish to put this behind us, Master Sanders. And if you must call me by anything other than my title, please call me Jareth."

"Well, Jareth, genocide is not easily forgiven," Alan scowled.

"I don't understand. What exactly are you accusing Jareth of?"

"He admitted to killing all those who worship Jehovah, e.g. Christians, Jews, Muslims, and Rastafari."

"Is this true, Jareth?"

"Perhaps he misunderstood what I said. I said I destroyed the Cult of Jehovah, but perhaps I would have been better understood if I said 'converted'."

"See Alan? He's harmless."

"Yeah. Except I know how to cast _Legend Lore_, so I saw the past. Back before Xergiok usurped the throne, his father led armed raids on Jehovites. There were no arrests, only killings."

"Alan, we all know fibbing won't help your position," Jareth subtly smirked over a scone.

Alan stood up and looked at PB and Jareth. "You make me sick, Goblin Prince. And trust me, when the time comes, you will regret everything. Bubblegum, I appreciate you trying to patch things up here, but never do that again. Farewell, Jareth, and enjoy your eventual stay in Hell."

Alan turned to walk out before he felt an alien presence. _Crap!_ Alan thought.

"**HI ALAN! IT'S ME, RICO!**" shouted a large, tentacled beast who was roughly the color of embarrassment (no, not blushing cheeks, the emotion itself). It was probably smiling stupidly, but it was honestly hard to tell just by looking.

"Bubblegum, run. Jareth, stay right there."

"Alan!" Bubblegum scolded.

"Sh! Hey, Rico, what's up, bud?"

"I made a stinky last week! It looked like a kitty cat!"

"Excuse me! You cannot barge in on a Princess's tea time! I demand you leave at once!" Jareth shouted.

Rico turned and looked at Jareth. He then squealed like a pig and tried to tackle him.

"Aaaaand we're outta here!" Alan said, as he picked up Bubblegum and ran off. Jareth did the smart thing and jumped out the window.

Alan continued to run until he came upon his old broom closet. He tossed PB in, stepped in behind her, and closed the door, and said "_cheilt na doras_!" The door became invisible from the other side. I should point out that since Alan left, most of the closet was filled with cleaning supplies, so it was very cramped.

Finn ran down the hall, having heard some of the ruckus. Peppermint Butler also heard the noise and was coming in from the other direction. The two collided in front of the hidden closet door.

"Hey Peps. Did you hear that noise too?"

"Yes, I came to check on the princess."

"Ow! Owowowowow! That doesn't bend that way, PB!" Alan squawked from the behind the closet door, which became visible.

"I'm sorry, jeez! Just turn your leg like this, and put that there!" PB responded.

"Here?"

"No, that-ow! Come on, Alan! This is so easy!" Bubblegum grunted in annoyance.

Finn and Peppermint Butler were very confused.

"Okay, the thing's there, now what?" PB said.

"Okay, just turn the knob," Alan grunted.

"It's stuck!"

"What?"

Finn's expression remained solidly set in confusion, but Peps's turned to shock.

"I said it's stuck!"

"Lemme try!" Alan said.

"Ow! That's not it, Alan!" Bubblegum shouted.

"Sorry, lemme try something!" Alan grunted, as the contents of the closet shuffled loudly.

"No, just smash it!"

"But that'll hurt!"

"I don't care! I just want to be done with this!"

Peppermint Butler's expression was priceless. Finn's was still confused. The door flew open, cracked from Alan and PB pushing against it. The two tumbled out of the closet, their hair disheveled and clothes rumpled. Peppbut's white stripes were turning completely red.

"Uh...It's not what it looks like?" Alan said.

"Ugh. That was awful, Alan! Never do that again!"

"PB, hush!"

"What does it look like?" Finn asked, still very confused.

"Uh...I'll explain later," Alan said. Peppermint Butler got on all fours and started hissing and snarling. "But right now, I have to run.

Meanwhile, Jareth hung from a branch outside the window, where Rico had eventually lost interest and gone home. "Hello? Could I please have some help?"

At that moment, Galatea walked beneath that very tree. She looked up and saw the Goblin Prince hanging, and proceeded to giggle.

"What are you doing up there, silly man?"

"I, er, I fell out of the window. Could you please get some help?"

Galatea giggled a little more and touched the tree, which slowly bent down until the Goblin Prince was on the ground. He let go of the branch and it reurned to its former shape.

"How did you do that?"

"Daddy's been teaching me magic! He says I'm real talented with nature magic...Wait! I know you! You're that guy that sent me down into a dungeon!"

"Yes, and I'm very sorry. Would you like to come to my house for tea?"

"...Okay, I forgive you. I have to check with daddy first."

Alan and Bubblegum then ran out of the Candy Castle with Peppermint Butler and a small posse.

"Daddy, can I go over to-"

"Sure, just be safe, hon!"

"Well, then it's settled. Shall we depart?" Jareth said.

"You talk funny!"

The two walked off toward the Goblin Kingdom, but they were not alone. Lemongrab, who had come to visit Galatea, was following them.

* * *

_Alan and PB were running for a good while when they found a young couple walking down the road._ Alan, being a little too panicked to think clearly, screeched, tackled them, and proceeded to take their clothes.

"Alan! What in Grob's name are you doing?!" Bubblegum said, attempting to be a voice of reason.

"We need to lose these clothes until we can sort this out, and I'm certainly not running around in my undies!"

"But Alan! We can't just take their clothes!"

"Don't worry," Alan said, taking off his suit, "They can wear our clothes."

"I'm not sure if I feel comfortable with this," the gentleman said.

"It's pure spider-silk," Alan said.

"Oh. Sounds good. What do you think, honey?"

"That dress is gorgeous! Let's go with it!"

"There, see? Nobody gets hurt here. Happy, Bonnibel?" Alan said.

"...Fine. But this never happened."

The other three nodded, as PB stripped to her skivvies. No, I won't describe them, you creepers.

In mere moments, Alan and PB were indistinguishable from the average person, and the couple was _very_ distinguishable from the average person.

"I can't wait to go to the masquerade ball next month!" The lady said, walking down the road. PB and Alan walked the other way. In the distance, they could hear the couple having the crap beaten out of them by Peppermint's posse.

* * *

_Finn was left scratching his head in perplexity. _"What...The math...Just happened there?"

Finn walked out into the main hall, where he found the Ice King.

"Hey, Finn! Where's Princess Bubblegum?"

"Not now, man. My head hurts."

"Did ya bonk into something?"

"No. I'm just...I am very confused."

"Well, just tell me what happened."

Finn related the hilarious tale involving PB and Alan, all the way up to when Peppermint Butler chased them out of the castle.

"Oh, oh my..." the Ice King trailed off, "That _is_ confusing. Whatever, you wanna help me gather some spider eyes?"

Finn pondered for a moment.

"It'll be an adventure!"

"Okay, why not?"

The two walked toward the Dark and Scary Forest to find some spiders.

* * *

_Galatea and Jareth eventually reached the Goblin Kingdom, where a manservant was ready to meet the Prince._ "Welcome back, sire! Did all go well with your betrothed?"

"As well as anything can go with that heathen Human around."

"What's a heathen?" Galatea asked.

"And who is..._this_, sire?" the manservant waved in Galatea's general direction.

"This is Galatea. She is to be treated as an esteemed guest."

"An esteemed guest, or an _esteemed guest_?"

The Goblin Prince sighed and placed his hand on his forehead. "Whichever one means she doesn't get put in the dungeon."

the manservant nodded, and the three walked into the castle. They came to a small table with a chess board set on it.

"Are you familiar with chess, Galatea?"

"Yeah, but daddy doesn't like to play it. I always beat him!" Gally chuckled. The two played chess for a while when they heard the sound of glass breaking, followed by Lemongrab jumping in the window, screaming like the madman he is.

"MLEEEEEUUUGH!"

The Goblin Prince and Galatea both responded by screaming like teenage girls, which was certainly less humiliating for Gally.

* * *

_Alan and PB headed toward the Mountain Kingdom (again) in order to seek refuge._ They seemed to have lost their pursuers. "Mind telling me what the fire truck that was about?" Alan panted.

"I think you may have an idea," PB replied testily

"Well, kind of. I mean, I understand Peppy's misunderstanding, but I fail to see the reason for the armed posse. I mean, that's way over the line," Alan said, stroking his chin and walking at a slow pace.

"That means nothing to them! They may look adorable, but sometimes the candy people are downright bloodthirsty!"

"Just to be clear, what exactly are they gonna do to us?"

"Well, they'd naturally assume I was innocent, and probably rip you to shreds."

"Well that figures. Maybe Aldous can help us clear this up."

The two continued down the road for a while, when a small group of Raven Knights flew in from the east.

"No! For CHRIST'S **SAKE, _NO GODDAMN RANDOM ENCOUNTERS!_**" Alan shouted. He then lifted up his hand, traced an arcane sigil into the air and shouted "**INPHLÉASCADH**" as the Raven Knights were dragged into a miniature singularity and crushed into a single point before being painfully ripped out of reality.

Bubblegum was dumbfounded. "How-"

"How did I do that? I've learned a lot of spells over the time I've been out of the tower. This was one I gleaned from the Lich. A very difficult evocation technique, but I felt it was worth it to save time." Alan explained, continuing forward like a fine howdy-do. Bubblegum was so used to hanging with Alan, the lovable but emotionally crippled goof, she never realized his power.

* * *

_Finn and the Ice King found themselves in the midst of the Dark, Scary Forest._ A horned toad whistled and hollered at Finn as they passed.

"What was that about?"

"Uh, I won a beauty pageant."

"Oh. Okay. Well, Anyhow," Ice King shook off his mild confusion, "the spiders should be about this way."

Finn heard a rustling in the bushes. "Yo, IK! I think I hear something."

The Ice King readied a frost bolt, and Finn drew his sword. a tiny spider silently climbed down on a strand of webbing, landing undetected on Finn's shoulder. He bit Finn and leaped to Simon, biting him as well. The two quickly lost consciousness, the world fading into shades of gray.

They awoke in a cave, stuck to the wall with spider webs.

* * *

_Lemongrab was screaming manically, and scaring the bejeepers out of everybody but Galatea._ "Lemmy!" Galatea squealed in delight.

"HELLO, GALATEA! I AM HERE TO RESSSSSSSSCUE YOU!" He hissed loudly.

"You know this man!?"

"Oh, yeah! He's, like, my best friend!"

"...What. How can you possibly be friends with somebody as...loony as him!?"

"SILENCE! I WILL DEFEAT YOU, AND SAAAAAAAVE GALATEA!" Lemongrab squawked, unsheathing his Sound Sword and training it on Jareth.

"Guards!" Jareth squeaked.

Dozens of guards appeared from the balconies, and drew back their bows. They let fly, in an attempt to create a lemon-flavored pincushion. Lemongrab would not have it, however, and simply ignored the arrows, his hardened lemon shell immune to the projectiles. His attention was diverted toward the guards, and he blasted them with his weapon, forcing them to their knees in pain from the focused hypersonic waves. Their ears and noses bled slightly as he blasted them down, before returning his attention to Jareth.

"You are insane! You know that?" Jareth shouted.

"STOOOOOOOP! SHOUTING AT ME!" LG shouted back, before tackling the Goblin Prince. before he could do any serious damage, Galatea tapped his shoulder, giggled, and said, "Hi, Lemongrab!"

"Huh? Oh, hello, Galatea." Lemongrab was hypnotized. He _really_ liked Galatea.

"So how have you been?"

"Alright, I suppose. It is rather lonely at Castle Lemongrab."

"Hee-hee! Maybe I should come visit sometime!"

"I'd like that."

"Uh, excuse me, but your knees are digging into my chest, and also YOU'RE A GOB DOBBED FREAK!"

"Hm? YOU!" Lemongrab returned gloriously to his usual insanity.

"YES ME! Why in the Nightosphere are you doing this!?"

"I have watched your Kingdom for years! I do NNNNNNNNNOT APPROVE!"

"Wha-I-You're jealous, aren't you?"

"YEEEEEEEES!"

"Huh. Well aren't _you_ forward, Lemongrab."

"YEEEEEES! I do not wish to see her come to harm! YOU WILL NOT TOUCH HER!" LG squealed, his voice cracking.

"Well, I am a prince, and you are an earl. I outrank you."

"Well, I, bu...but, uh..." Lemongrab was locked inside his own brain for a while, trying to maneuver the conundrum of conflict between rules and Galatea's safety.

"So, tell me Galatea, do you enjoy dancing?"

"Oh, I love it! All the guys at school say I'm really good at it!"

"Hm. Well, we shall see."

* * *

Finn and Ice King woke up stuck to a wall with spider silk. Finn grunted and strained against the silk, but it was no use.

"Hey Finn, lemme try something," Ice King said. The webs chilled quickly, becoming covered in frost. Finn pushed against them again, and they shattered. The spiders came out of the shadows, hissing angrily. Finn drew his sword and was ready for a fight, when a voice called out from the shadows.

"Now, now, spiders...No need for violence!" A beautiful woman appeared before them, tall, pale, and with raven hair. She wore a green dress which reached just down to her knees and bared her shoulders. She was barefoot.

"Who are you?" Finn asked, not letting his sword down.

"I am Bellicent, Druid of the Dark, Scary Forest."

"Well, I'm the Ice King, and this is my friend, Finn."

"Ah! Good! Alan told me about you, Finn!" Bellicent's eyes lit up.

"You're a friend of Alan?" Finn asked, sheathing his sword.

"Oh, very much so. He and I helped stop the Lich!" Bellicent said enthusiastically, "So what brings you to this forest?"

"We're looking for spider eyes. You have any?" Finn answered.

"Of course, deary. Let me go get a jar."

Bellicent turned and walked out of the room, the spiders in tow.

"Something seems off to me, Finn." the Ice King whispered.

"What?"

"There aren't any spirits in here...it's quiet."

"Yeah? What does that mean she's evil or something?"

"No, but it's really weird."

"Wondering why you don't see any spirits?" Bellicent said, walking back into the room.

"Uh, yes. It's very unusual."

"Ah, yes, it's a consecration spell. Time-consuming to make, but well worth it. Well, here you are! Have fun!"

Ice King and Finn were escorted to the mouth of the cave.

* * *

_Lemongrab had been confused for so long that he found himself outside the gates of the Goblin Kingdom when he came to his senses._ "Argh! How did I get here!?" LG squawked. He then remembered what happened. "I! Must finnnnd! A MONARCH!" he cried, running off. He was making good time, too. I suppose insanity cuts down on wind resistance. In a relatively brief length of time, Lemongrab found himself at the edge of the Mountain Kingdom, sprinting past a young couple, which he never realized was PB and Alan.

"Lemongrab!" Alan shouted.

Lemongrab was too busy screaming to hear.

PB and Alan sped up in pursuit, but eventually gave up trying to catch him, instead running from the posse, which managed to catch up with them.

On the other side of the Mountain Kingdom, Ice King and Finn were flying about, looking for annoyance fruit.

"You hear that, Ice King?"

"What?" the Ice king said. His ears had long ago ceased to function at full capacity.

"I hear shouting near the Mountain King's castle! Let's check it out!"

"I dunno...The Mountain King's still a little upset at me for accidentally freezing his begonias."

"Heheheh...begonias," Finn chuckled, "Irregardless, We need to go check it out!"

PB and Alan found themselves standing at a moat, which Lemongrab mus have somehow jumped.

"Oh, no! The posse!" PB said.

"No worries, provided there's no warding spells on the castle, I should be able to teleport us in. _Tharraingt asal!_" Alan shouted, grabbing PB's arm. The two vanished right before the posse caught up with them. They found themselves in the dungeon.

"Ohohoho! Clever man! He had a diversion ward set up!"

"What? What does that mean?" PB asked irritably.

"It's a special anti-teleport spell that reroutes incoming teleports to another location! We must be in the dungeon," Alan explained, "But the problem is, the lock is warded, so I can't break it with spells."

"Uh, Alan? The bars are spaced for Mountain People. You could probably slip through."

"Oh, hey. Lookit that," Alan said, noting the widely spaced bars, "Wait, why am I going through?"

"I wouldn't fit."

"Oh, right, your butt."

Bubblegum blushed indignantly and said, "Yes, my butt."

Alan chuckled and slipped between the bars, just being able to fit, and looked around. He found some keys and unlocked the cell. The two then made their way out onto the main floor, and turned toward the Mountain King's private study, PB leading the way.

Outside, the posse had tied a rope around Starchy's waist and thrown him across the moat, where he had grabbed the end of the drawbridge. He managed to squeeze in, letting out a bit of gas as he did so, and soon, the bridge came down to meet them.

Lemongrab screamed manically down the corridor, where he was spotted by two large and burly guards. "Oh, math. It's that weird lemon guy again," One said.

"I'll get the net," replied the other, pulling a net out of his bag.

"Lemongrab! If we've told you once, we've told you a thousand times, you're not allowed here!" The guards threw the net at him. Lemongrab didn't break pace, simply drawing his sound sword and blasting the net to pieces. The guards sighed in annoyance and gave chase, while the posse had a toffee hound sniff out PB and Alan, following them towards the Mountain King's study.

* * *

Alan and PB were hiding beneath a large oak desk in Aldous's study. "This is the LAST time I ever invite you to one of my tea parties!" PB whispered angrily to Alan.

"Oh, hush! Your boyfriend was the one who got Rico all riled up!" Alan hissed back. There was a pounding at the door, as if an angry mob was trying to break it down. Luckily, it was huge, solid, and reinforced with magic.

"I mean, seriously! Who invites eldritch horrors to a tea party?!"

"Well, me, obviously," Alan snarked. Bubblegum frowned in annoyance. "But I didn't invite him. He kinda...followed me there."

"We know you're in there, Alan! Come out with the Princess, and we promise you a fair trial!" Peppermint Butler's voiced echoed through the chambers.

Alan and PB looked at each other, and then Alan whispered "_amhailt_ _cóip_," as illusory doubles of Alan and the Princess appeared. Alan opened the door magically, and after it closed behind them, the two heard, "Get him! Tear his legs off! Wait a minute! This is an illusion!"

"So much for a fair trial,_ jack-wagon_s!"

"You will be made to answer for your crimes, Sanders!"

At that moment, Finn and the Ice King flew into the window.

"Finn! Thank Grob you're here!" PB shouted.

"Hey, Peebles! What's goin' on?" Finn asked.

"There was a bit of a...misunderstanding...with Peppermint Butler."

"Hm?" Ice King raised his eyebrows. "Wazzat mean?"

"Well, they appear to believe Bubblegum and I were...uh...making out, and doing that with an engaged princess is a-mpf" Alan was cut off by Bubblegum's hand over his mouth.

"A _what_ princess?" Finn asked. He wasn't _quite_ over PB yet.

"Nothing. I think Alan hit his head on the way here. Now, we just need to get past the-"

"NYAAAAA! WHY ARE YOU ALL CROWDING THE HALL! YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BLOCK HALLWAYS! MLEEEUUGH!" Lemongrab screamed as he crashed through the foot-thick solid oak door. It's really amazing how powered-up he gets in his manic moments.

"Wow," was all anyone had to say. Even Finn was impressed.

"MOTHER! I NEED YOUR HELP!"

"Okay, okay, calm down Lemongrab!" Bubblegum said.

Lemongrab was quivering in lunacy.

"Now, take a deeeeeeep breath, buddy," Finn said.

Lemongrab inhaled.

"Now let it out, _slooooowly,_" Alan added.

"Tell us what's wrong, Lemongrab," PB coaxed.

Lemongrab exhaled and said, "Galatea is in the Goblin Citadel with the Goblin Prince."

Bubblegum immediately got an "oh, crap!" expression on her face, while Alan let off a burst of magical sparks.

"**What?**" Alan said in a voice normally reserved for Eldritch terrors from beyond reality. He rose a foot into the air, wreathed in green magical flames, his eyes aglow. The others stepped out of the way as Alan waved the doors open. The crowd saw him and readied their pitchforks and torches.

"**If you wish to die, continue to advance.**"

The crowd shrank back. Alan disappeared with a word and a flash. He reappeared inside the Goblin Kingdom's Castle. He walked toward the tower, his flames dying down. He climbed the staircase to the highest room.

Inside, Gally and Jareth had just finished playing a dancing video game which I cannot legally refer to as Dance Dance Revolution, and were sitting on a couch.

"You were brilliant, Galatea!"

"You were pretty good, too, Jareth!"

"Don't be so modest, dear. It'll take me years to beat your score."

There was a knock at the door. Jareth got up, opened the door, and nearly soiled himself.

"Hello, Jareth. I'm here to pick up my daughter."

"Daddy!" Galatea said, walking up and hugging him.

"Alright, head out to the door, I'll meetcha there, honey."

Jareth looked side to side. "So, you're not mad she was here?"

"Nah. I'm glad she had a good time," Alan smiled. He then lifted Jareth up by his throat and snarled, "If you come near my daughter again, I will drown you in your own blood."

He walked away leaving Jareth with his thoughts. _A lovely girl. __Perhaps once my plan comes to fruition, I will take her as my odalisque._


	24. 50 Shades of Nerd

_[I have read your reviews, and I'm glad people generally like my writing. One complaint I heard, though, was that I didn't follow up on plot threads soon enough. So here's an episodic chapter that will barely mean anything! *trollface* I kid, I kid. This is gonna be my last chapter for a while, due to various other projects, including writing for an MMORPG which may or may not never actually see the light of day. Wish me luck!]_

_Bubblegum was sitting in her throne, utterly engrossed in a book._ "Princess?" Peppermint Butler said.

"Gah! Peppermint Butler!" PB sputtered with a start. She hid the book and blushed profusely before quickly regaining her composure. "What is it, Peppermint Butler?"

"A letter came for you today."

"Oh, very well, Peppermint Butler, you may go." She set her book down on the small table beside here and opened the envelope, sealed with green wax. The letter within was written in a delicate, flowing script.

_Your heighness,_

_My name is G. W. Toadblatt, and I have received word that you are a fan of my writings. It would be an honor if you would come to my book signing this week in the Mountain Kingdom Convention Center._

_-Toadblatt_

Bubblegum straightened up in her seat. G. W. Toadblatt just so happened to be her favorite author, and the writer of the very novel she was reading at the time. She was excited, but she held it in check.

* * *

_Finn and Jake were battling a group of Duck Barbarians on a hill._ The Ducks were strong, and they wouldn't let up. Jake attempted a wrap attack on one of the Barbarians, but was blocked and tossed aside. Finn saw this and screamed in anger. He whirled around, his Faerie Blade glowing with power as he struck down the Semi-aquatic warriors. He slammed one hard with the pommel, stunning it, before quickly moving to cut down a second, cracking its armor open immediately. A third duck tried to fight back, but was countered by Finn's blade, as the Duck's axe's blade cracked. Jake got back up in the brief moment that this took place in and took advantage of the distraction to bind the two remaining Ducks Barbarians. Finn then said "Alright, guys! great fight! Let's all eat lunch." Everybody then got out their lunches. As the Duck Barbarians limped off into the distance, waving goodbye, Jake talked to Finn. "That was righteous, Finn! You opened all kinds of butt-whip cans on them!"

"I know! It was way Tangent!"

"How did you do that glowing-sword-thing?" Jake asked over a cup of yogurt.

"The what now?" Finn said through a mouthful of salmon.

"I believe I can explain that!" Alan panted, scurrying up the hill.

"Hey! Alan! Wassup, bro?"

"Found this book!" Alan said, holding up a large tome. It was bound with precious metals and was obviously a book of great power and knowledge. Its cover read, in ancient and flowing script, "The Book of Nine Swords." Alan was visibly pleased with himself for having it.

"Okay, what? New spellbook?" Jake asked.

"No, man, that's the Tome of Battle! The book written by the first nine great warriors of Ooo! Where the math did you get that?" Finn said in awe.

"Long story. Short version: The Library God is not on good terms with me anymore." Alan said, rubbing a bruise on his side. "But the important part is this: Finn, you're magic."

"Okay. I'm outta here," Jake said walking away, "You know random twists like this always wreck stuff."

"...Hold on! _I'm_ supposed to be the Genre Savvy one here!" Alan called after Jake. "Never mind. Meet me at the convention center later this week and we can crack this book open!"

"Righteous," Finn said, taking a sip from his water bottle.

* * *

_The Knight stood beneath the window of the Princess, his armor gleaming in the morning sun. "Princess! More truly know it I now than ever before! Thou art my beloved, now and evermore! Be thou my paramour, that we may ride together unto the dawn!"_

Bubblegum read intensely, her eyes darting from word to word.

_"Yes, sweet Knight, we shall ride together! But what of my duties to the Kingdom?" The Princess called down, her rosy cheeks flushed._

_"To Hell with the Kingdom! Is not love the noblest duty one can perform?" the Knight shouted back, his very form the personification of defiant grace._

_"Oh, Reginald! Thou settest my heart ablaze! Come hither into my chambers, so we may speak more freely!" The Princess gushed passionately, beckoning the Knight to her chambers._

Bubblegum was visibly blushing, when Alan walked up quietly and said, "Hey, P-Bubs!"

"Gah!" Bubblegum squawked, quickly closing her book. She sputtered in surprise for a moment before saying, "Alan! What are you doing here?" She tried to be as nonchalant as possible.

"Sorry to interrupt your uh, 'reading time,' but, did you want to come with me and Finn to LitCon this Friday? I have a booth in the Sci-Fi section, and it'd mean a lot if you came."

"LitCon? Oh, uh, I was already going to go this Friday. I'll see if I can stop by your booth, though," Bubblegum said.

"Okay, cool. So, uh, whatcha readin'?" Alan asked, attempting to get a look at the cover of the book behind Bubblegum's back.

"Oh, nothing, really."

"_Iompair an leabhar._" Alan muttered offhand, as the book appeared in his hands. He opened the book, creatively titled "_The Knight and the Princess_" and leafed through the pages. His eyebrows climbed higher and higher on his face until it looked like they were about to fall off. "Sheathed his sword...Roaming the astral plane...Okay, that _can't_ be considered Kosher by the Rabbinical Assembly...," Alan said, completely straight-faced, as PB became increasingly indignant, "Huh. I suppose that would work from a Newtonian standpoint...Okay, that's not how you're supposed to use a Star Wand...Oh...Oh, wow."

Bubblegum snatched the book back. Here ears were burning.

"Huh. Interesting read, but not my thing. Marceline might enjoy this, though," Alan said, clearly clueless as to how irritated PB had become.

"Out." Bubblegum pointed to the door.

"Huh?" Alan said.

"Go away. I'll meet you at LitCon."

Alan shrugged and walked out of the room.

* * *

_Alan sat at his laptop, tapping furiously at the keyboard._ "Come on, Alan," he murmured to himself, "You wrote the next '_Known Space'_! You can do this."

At that moment, Galatea walked in, engrossed in a book. "Hey, daddy."

"Hello, Gally. What are you reading?"

"Oh, just some book one of my friends gave me. It's really weird." Gally scratched her head and closed the book.

"Huh. What is it?" Alan closed hi laptop and turned toward Galatea.

"It's called '_The Rogue and the Knight_'." She held up the book, whose cover consisted of a lovingly painted image of an attractive young woman in peasant's garb staring longingly at a handsome, aloof knight. The author was none other than G. W. Toadblatt.

"Huh. Author sounds familiar. Lemme see." Alan picked up the book and leafed through it. He put it down, looking both intrigued and confused. And perhaps a little queasy.

"What is it, dad?"

"Ye gods. That's worse than that E.L. James series."

"Huh?"

"Old pop culture. Mayhaps you'd best not be reading this, hon."

"Okay. I didn't get it anyway. Chapter 10 was extra weird."

Alan, leafed through the book, paused for a moment, shook his head and returned to work, when he got a phone call. The Caller ID said it was Jake. Alan picked up and answered in a woman's voice, greatly confusing Galatea as she walked upstairs to her room.

"Hello? Yes, Jake it's me."

"Do you have that new novel for me yet?" Jake asked over the phone, hushed so Finn couldn't hear.

"Er, almost?"

"What in Gob's name does _that_ mean?"

"Well, I've hit a bit of writer's block." Alan said, visibly embarrassed.

"Well, unblock! I need that manuscript so we can announce at the Con this weekend!"

"Fine! I'll BS it for now. Who knows, it might still be pretty good."

"Okay. But I still need to talk to you about that stunt you pulled with Cha-"

Alan hung up, and wiped the sweat from his brow before returning to writing.

* * *

_Finn and Jake walked into the Candy Kingdom Convention Center that very weekend._ He saw before him massive droves of nerds. Nerds at stands, nerds watching presentations, nerds in funny costumes, and nerds he couldn't even identify.

"Whoa," Finn said.

"It's a sea of dorks!" Jake replied. "So when do we meet with Alan?"

"Not 'till later. He said he had some big presentation," Finn answered.

"What do you wanna do?"

"I dunno. Walk around?"

The two shrugged and kept walking until they happened upon a rack of carefully sharpened swords. Sitting prominently in the center of the display was a skull-pommeled long sword with a gold-plated hilt. Beneath it was a plaque which read "Nothung."

"Hey, Jake!" Finn whispered, nudging Jake's ribs.

"Hey, easy on the ribs, man! They're tender!"

"No time for puns, bro. I think that's Billy's sword!"

Jake gestured to it lazily, scoffed, and said, "Nah, man. That's some crumbly replica."

The operator of the stand, a short, jovial man, turned to Finn and Jake, gingerly lifted the sword from its stand, and said, "Oh, no, good sirs! This is the real deal! I found it in a cave, filled to the brim with riches! I pried this blades from the hand of a skeleton, tall as a giant it was!"

Finn and Jake looked at each other in abject terror.

"Yes, it's a quality piece! And judging by the blade on your hip, you must be a connoisseur of fine blades!"

Finn snapped out of his surprise and replied, "Yeah-yeah-yeah. How much?"

"What are you doing, man? We didn't bring any cash!" Jake admonished

"I did. I was gonna buy books for the shelf," Finn replied.

"Why? You don't _read_."

"Yeah, but if you gots books on your shelfs, the girls think you're smart!"

"...I've heard that somewhere..." Jake trailed off.

Finn turned back to the salesman, "How much?"

"I appreciate your interest, young man, but I don't think you have the money to-"

"How. Much. Does. It. Cost."

The sword-monger sighed and said, "570 platinums."

Finn laid a large bag of coins on the table. "Will this cover it?"

The seller turned the bag's contents onto the table and began to foam at the mouth slightly at the sight of the large pile of coins.

"So, is this en-"

"SHUT UP AND TAKE MY SWORD!" the iron monger shouted, pulling the coins toward himself.

As the two walked away, Jake asked, "Why'd you bring so much money?"

"I just grabbed a couple bags of coins when we were walkin' out. We have ton o' money, man."

"Oh yeah."

* * *

_At the other side of the convention, Princess Bubblegum was entering the building._ She was wearing a simple white dress under a dark green corset. Her hair was carefully braided and hung down her back. She looked carefully through the crowd and spotted a man holding a sign which read "Bonnibel Bubblegum" an block letters. She wove her way through the crowd to the man, who stood next to a curtained-off area.

"You Princess Bubblegum?" the man said, peering down at her from his stilts.

"Yes, that's me."

"Alright, step in here," he said gruffly, motioning to the curtain.

Bubblegum stepped behind it and saw none other than Marceline lying half-asleep on the couch. There was a painter nearby at work.

"Marceline?" PB said, a look of confusion spreading across her face.

"Yeah?" Marceline yawned, being careful not to move.

"Why, uh, what are you doing here?"

"I'm modelling for a painting. Duh," Marceline snarked.

Bubblegum grunted in annoyance, "No, I mean, why are you _here_, specifically?"

"I do modelling work when I'm between gigs."

"Huh. Never figured you for the model type."

"Well, when you got it, flaunt it."

"I've heard that somewhere..."

"Probably," Marceline shrugged "So what are you doing here?"

"I'm here to meet Ms. Toadblatt," PB answered.

"Gretchen? Yeah she called. Said she wouldn't be here for another couple of hours."

"Hours?" Bubblegum repeated in exasperation.

"Yeah, she's finishing the manuscript for her next book. Said she's gonna have a ginormous announcement later."

Bubblegum stood and thought for a moment.

"Hey, unless you brought something to read, I'd go find something to do. Nice Dahlia cosplay, by the way." Marceline motioned to PB's clothes.

Bubblegum thought of Alan's stand in the Sci-Fi area. Then she remembered exactly how obnoxious he was earlier. She elected not to go visit him.

* * *

_Alan sat at his stand next to a stack of books, feeling rather let down._ His booth had half of the Sci-Fi fans, which would be rather impressive, except that there were exactly twenty-eight people in the Sci-fi section of LitCon. The fourteen people before him were swamping him with questions about the particulars of his book series in progress, the Orphan Planet cycle.

"Oh, Mr. Sanders! At the end of book two, did Lucius and Mandy hook up?"

"What's the _Ironside_'s fuel source?"

"How the heck does it do FTL?"

"What are Sylvia's measurements?"

Alan stood up, rubbed his temples, and answered each question rapidly in the order they were asked.

"That's intentionally ambiguous, anti-matter, negative energy manipulates space-time in order to mke two locations closer so the ship doesn't need to move faster than light, and if another person asks me one of the character's measurements, I'm snappin' necks."

As he finished that long compound sentence, he saw Finn and Jake approaching. He turned, pointed at thin air, and said, "Hey, is that the ghost of Kate Beckinsale?"

The nerds all turned around long enough for Alan to escape to Finn and Jake.

"Alan! Hey man! Listen, we-"

"Sh! Not now! We gotta get away from my fanbase!"

"Your...whole fanbase?" Finn said, looking at the dozen or so people standing at Alan's booth.

"Yeah. Not a lot of them. Jake never bothered to see if Sci-Fi would sell before publishing...They're even more obsessive than Browncoats, though."

"I said I was sorry, man!" Jake replied defensively.

"Browncoats?" Finn and Jake both asked.

"Before your time. Let's go!"

The three scurried outside.

"So what was it you wanted to say?" Alan said, straightening his suit.

Finn silently held up Billy's sword. Alan grabbed it and examined it.

"Nice balance, straight edge, no chemical impurities, good mix of hardness and flexibility. A superlative blade. Now what about it?"

"That's Billy's." Finn said seriously.

"Billy? The ancient warrior? The guy who beat down the Lich with only his gauntlet'd fists? Why would he sell this?" Alan stroked his chin thoughtfully.

"He didn't. He's dead," Jake said, "Or, at least that's what the sword salesman said before Finn broke his brain."

"...Broke...Nevermind. We'd best get to training," Alan said, waving his hand and producing the Tome of Nine Swords. He paused before opening it and asked, "Say, uh, did you guys happen to see Princess Bubblegum?"

The two shook their heads. Alan sighed and opened the book.

* * *

_After about fifteen minutes of reading, Alan and Finn stood up._

"I...have no idea what most of that said," Finn said, his head not quite on straight.

"Yes, sorry, it's martial notation. It'll flow easier when you're used to it. Let's start with an easy one. It's an attack called Crusader's Strike," Alan said, preparing a small force shield.

"Okay, so, uh, what do I do?" Finn scratched his head.

"Draw your sword, focus your energy, and let it loose."

"Loose...on your shield?"

"Yeah. Go for it, man!" Jake said.

"Wait, I thought you thought this was stupid?" Alan responded.

"Hey, if Billy's dead, he could use the power boost."

Finn shook his head and focused. He swung his sword, and nothing special happened. Just a crack in the force shield. Alan repaired it and bade him to try again.

Finn took a breath and focused inward. He felt a small inkling of power warming his chest. He felt that warmth move to his hands as he shouted and swung his blade, cracking the shield. The only difference here was that a flash of light burst forth from the sword.

"There we go! Alright, now we need you to channel this power defensively. Widen your stance a bit, and hold your sword a little lower," Alan said, as he casually lit his hands on fire.

He let fly with a small series of blue bolts of fire, which followed Finn when he tried to dodge. His hat was slightly scorched by a low-flying ember.

"Finn, just keep your feet apart and let them come! And focus!"

Finn stood still for a moment and focused. He opened his eyes and saw the fireballs hit his chest without leaving a mark.

"Whoah! That's trigonometric!"

Alan answered in his usual snarky fashion, "Technically, it's thermodynamic. That's the cool thing about this type of magic. It's designed specifically for warriors. You see-" Alan and Jake's pockets beeped. They each took out a beeper and read it.

"Uh, I gotta go. Nerd fight. I'll explain more," Alan said before walking off.

"I gotta go too. Big presentation," Jake turned and followed.

* * *

_Bubblegum filed into her seat at the front row of the room._ On the stage stood a podium. Next to the podium stood a very nervous Jake, staring at his watch.

A tall, middle-aged woman with a wavy red bob scurried up to the podium. She spoke with a pleasant Liverpool accent. "I am so sorry, I'm late loves! I was just working on a new novel!"

This was met with raucous cheers from the fans.

She waved down the audience, waiting for relative calm before continuing.

"Alright, dearest readers, this book's a little different than my others. It's about an immortal being who only wants to write science fiction novels, but he's ignored in favor of other works of vastly lower quality."

The crowd hushed down a little and started murmuring to each other.

Princess Bubblegum stood up and asked, "Alright, but what about _The Vampiress_?"

"What about it?"

"We were promised a sequel."

"Ah, yes, well," She snapped and disappeared in a puff of smoke to be replaced with a somewhat sullen Alan, "We don't always get what we planned for."

Everybody immediately shut up. Bubblegum's jaw hit the floor, as did Jake's. Marceline drifted into the room and saw Alan on the stage, turned around, checked the room number, scratched her head and floated into her reserved seat. Finn was still hanging outside.

"Yeah, that's right! Those filthy novels you've been reading were written by me! And frankly, _I didn't care about them_! These stories were a cash flow and nothing more! You people will sit and read this dreck when there's a whole world of literature out there, and honestly it's pathetic! I mean, I've poured my heart into my science fiction literature and what did I get? Fourteen awkward basement dwellers!"

Most of the crowd then responded with the worst possible thing you could ever say to a partly-omnipotent science fiction writer: "**Sci-Fi isn't Literature!**"

"What. What! WHAT!" Alan stood saying that, a bit of foaming spittle at the corner of his mouth.

Jake, finally getting over his massive confusion over two of his publishing clients being the same person, grabbed Alan's arm and calmly said, "Alan keep it cool, man!"

In the auditorium, all that could be heard was Alan shouting, and the huge "boom" of a flame jet. The room shook with the blast, and a moment later, Alan walked back in, his hands covered in soot. He looked much calmer. "Alright, fine. If you people can't agree that it's literature, tell me, have any of you, in your sublime literary sophistication, bothered to read any?"

The group mumbled awkwardly before collectively shaking their heads.

"Go read some. I have some free copies of my Orphan Planet books you could read," Alan said, stepping down and handing out the novels. "They're signed, too. I'm not asking you to like them, just read them. Okay?"

Alan approached the exit, and turned to the audience and said, "Oh, yeah, and, um, I'mdonedoingromancenovelskayby e." He then ran out and slammed the door behind himself.

The others followed him to Finn and Jake's. They slowly climbed the ladder, except for Marceline, who simply floated up. They found Alan in the kitchen, under the table.

"Hey guys! Anybody following you? I don't wanna be killed by a bunch of rabid romance fans right now."

"Nah, you're good," Jake said, "But...how did you come up with all those things for the novels?"

"Hrm?" Alan grunted in response.

"I mean, well, Marceline was your first kiss an' all, so I don't see-"

"Oh! Yes, well, my college friends led very interesting lives. Anyway, on to more pressing topics, what are we gonna do now that Billy's dead?"

Bubblegum immediately shouted, "_Billy's dead!?_"


	25. Threefold Chapter

_[I'm back! School is winding down, and so I find myself with a bit of free time. Time to ruin all your lives! MOFFAT TIME! HAHAHAHA!]_

_[Disclaimer: I am not Steven Moffat.]_

_Alan sat in his recliner, watching old episodes of childhood cartoons._ "Hahaha! Oh, Ed. What is it with you and buttered toast?" He chuckled to himself. He decided to take a day off, and was entertaining the thought of returning to work for Princess Bubblegum.

* * *

_Finn was hard at work, investigating and training_. He knew that anyone who could kill Billy was powerful, indeed, and he needed to be his best in case he found the murderer. He held his blade, waiting for his opponent, a very territorial Lionraptor, to make the first strike. The great bird, its feathery mane ruffling in agitation, stood tall as a house, squawking and clawing the ground. It charged, screeching furiously. Finn leaped to the left, striking at the bird's feet. It howled in pain, blood streamin from its right claw. It took to the air, before diving in to gore Finn with its jagged beak. Finn jumped before the attack landed, lodging the bird's beak in the rocky ground. Finn landed on the bird's head sword-first, impaling its skull and killing it immediately. He stepped down and surveyed his kill. "Dude. That was math!"

Jake climbed the rocky crag, having lagged behind Finn for most of the morning. "Dude, you gotta wait, man! I had a big breakfast."

"Sorry man! This big bird thing wasn't gonna wait!"

"Fine. Whatever," Jake grumbled. "I remembered the map."

Jake flattened his hand into a sheet, and raised markings on it which showed a map of a cave system, namely, the one the lionraptor once guarded. "The secret entrance to Billy's place is right here," Jake said, pointing to an "X" on the map hand. "If we wanna get there by this afternoon, we need to get going."

Finn shrugged, retrieved his sword, and then entered the cave alongside Jake.

* * *

_Bubblegum sat in her throne, awaiting an important message._ Finally, it arrived, in the form of a meek-looking Goblin carrying a scroll. "Hear ye, hear ye," He said in a surprisingly booming voice, "I bear a message from the Goblin Kingdom!" Bubblegum stood, walked up to the Goblin, and held out her hand, waiting for the courier to hand her the scroll. Instead, he read aloud from it.

"Hear the words of this humble courier, for I bear words better than I! The Exalted Prince Jareth Pendragon, first child of the late King Adric of Aragorn, who was deposed by Xergiok the Usurper in the Second Year of Wicked Troubles, the Prince and eventual King of all he surveys, the chosen of Grob, Gob, Grod, and Glob, wishes to ask her Highness, the Rose Lady Princess, Ruler of the Saccharine Realms, Benevolant Mistress of Sugar and Candy, and Crystalline Sun of the Candy Kingdom, for her hand in marriage! What sayest thou, your highness?"

"Huh? What was...Oh! Oh," Bubblegum had to sort out that sentence for a bit before she realized this was the Goblin Prince's pretentious way of proposing marriage. Bubblegum was waiting all morning for this.

"Well, Mistress? I'm tipped based on speed," the messenger spoke plainly.

"Tell him that I accept," Bubblegum said, giving the courier a few silvers as a tip. She didn't look happy, so much as relieved.

* * *

_Meanwhile, on the outskirts of the Mountain Kingdom, Alan had just been joined by Galatea on his cartoon binge._ Alan's hair stood up on end, quite a feat, considering how copious and tangled it was.

"What's wrong, daddy?" Galatea turned and asked over Tom and Jerry's wacky antics.

"I...I don't know. I feel a disturbance. I need to go."

"But, I don't wanna be alone! I've never been alone!"

"Go find Marceline. Tell her I sent you."

Alan then waved his hands, which called forth a flying throw pillow (we can't all afford Persian carpets, you know).

* * *

Finn and Jake crept through the chambers above Billy's home. They would have entered through the front, but there was the possibility that something could be lying in wait there. The room was dark, save for a small lantern tied to Jake's head. They heard a grumbling coming from a nearby corner. Jake twisted around, shining a light on the source of the noise. There stood a tall, darkly-colored humanoid, with glowing violet eyes. It simply stood, silently screaming at Jake. Jake turned to Finn and tugged on his sleeve. In the moment when Jake turned, it disappeared. "What's up Jake?"

Jake was flabbergasted. "It's gone! It was right here!"

"What, man?"

"A tall guy, with glowing eyes! He was just staring at me, but when I looked away it-Argh!" Jake grunted, as the creature hissed and clawed at his back. Finn turned and swung at it, but his blade hit only air. Jake stood up and turned to see the creature standing behind Finn, holding a large, roughly square hunk of rock. Jake immediately stretch-punched it, knocking it over. Finn turned around and started kicking it. It moaned an almost metallic moan, as the life slowing spiled out of it onto the ground. It lay there, broken, on the floor.

"What was that, Jake?"

"I dunno, man. But whatever it was, it's dead."

The dynamic duo continued slowly down into the tunnels, crushing occasional monsters along the way. The creatures became more and more deadly as they progressed, from mundane golems and undead, to more exotic creatures such as Kappa. They finally made their way to the chamber directly above that of Billy's place. "Alright Jake, you know what to do," Finn said, marking an "X" in the dirt. Jake nodded and turned his hand into a drill, twisted his arm, and then let it spin, grinding into the stone floor. "Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow!" He whispered, as he could still feel his hand.

* * *

_Bubblegum was being fitted with a white dress while Jareth watched._ He had paid a wizard to teleport him to Bubblegum's castle the moment he heard what he though of as good news. "Excellent," He commented, while the seamsters, seamstresses, and tailors were hard at work, "But do you suppose we could cut the back just a tinge lower?"

"This is a wedding dress, Jareth," Bubblegum grunted as the laces in her corset were tightened.

"No, not completely backless, Bonnie, just showing a bit more of your back."

"Jareth, we need this to be as official as possible. There can be no question to the legitimacy of this marriage," Bubblegum turned and said the Jareth, scowling, "And my name is _Bonnibel_."

Jareth shrugged and leaned back in his chair, placing his feet on a nearby ottoman. "Fine, fine, fine. Alright. If that's what you prefer. You know, the way you talk about this, it's almost like it's _not_ legitimate." Jareth smirked as he said this, leafing through a nearby magazine.

At this moment, Alan flew in the window, dangling awkwardly from his throw pillow. "Bubblegum! I felt a disturbance in the Schwartz! Are you-" Alan stopped when his brain finally clicked things into place. He continued, "...Are you alright?"

"Oh! Uh, Alan, yes, I'm quite fine! I'm just here for a _fitting,_" PB subtly nodded toward Jareth, who had been heretofore unnoticed by Alan.

"Oh. Oh... OH!" Alan turned and gave a mock salute to Jareth. _Be civil, Alan. Now's not the time yet,_ Alan thought to himself, as the pillowed slowly drifted downward.

* * *

_Galatea roamed the Mountain Kingdom, trying to figure out where Marceline's place was, as she had never actually been there._ Oops. She actually got so turned around that she strayed into a forest, where it was dark. Very dark. She skipped along gleefully, singing along with the trees around her, whose leaves always sang on warm days. She turned for a moment, and found herself facing a tall, skinny woman, made of wood like her. "Oh, hello! can you point me to Marceline's house, miss?"

The woman just stood there, gazing into the distance. Galatea walked around her, surveying her. Upon closer inspection, she was not just skinny. She was emaciated. She touched the woman, and her bark was cold. She fell over like a twig blown by the wind. Galatea had never seen death until today. She looked around, and saw many more such figures, some living, some dead, but all emaciated. The living ones shrank back into their hiding spots, as the song of the leaves grew discordant, a chill wind blowing through the forest. Gally heard a voice, a woman's voice, floating dreamily through the discord, calling out to her. It was a wordless song, but the entrancing notes held some secret meaning she could not discern. She walked slowly toward the voice, and then everything went dark.

* * *

Jake had, after three hours of methodical grinding, worn a small hole in the floor. He and Finn peered through it, seeing mostly darkness. A narrow line of light poured in from the entryway, which suddenly widened as somebody entered. It was a humanoid figure, not like the strange one they encountered earlier, but more natural in shape. It was whistling as it begin to sift through the piles of treasure in the room. Finn immediately smashed the hole, making it large enough to jump through, before dropping in and training his sword on the intruder. Jake stretched down behind him, shouting, "FREEZE, SUCKA!"

The creature turned out to be a young man, with light skin, red hair, and pale blue eyes. he held up his hands, dropping the empty bag he carried. "Hold on, now," he said cautiously, "I don't want trouble. You guys can take whatever you want. I'll stay out of your way, okay?"

"What are you doing in Billy's house?" Finn asked, not lowering his sword.

"Well, I had hit hard times, and learned there was a store of treasure here," the man cautiously edged to the side.

"This is Billy's house. Leave," Finn was very angry now.

"Fine, you leave me with no choice!" The man's hands fizzled with energy.

* * *

"So what bring you here, mister Sanders?" Jareth asked, pouring himself some tea.

"Oh nothing. I simply wished to congratulate you on your upcoming nuptials," Alan said between bites of a muffin.

Bubblegum crossed her arms in frustration. She just _knew_ Alan was going to find a way to screw with this. She just didn't know how or when. So she proceeded to have a nonverbal conversation with him while Jareth chattered on about his favorite subject, himself.

_Alan! What are you doing here!?_ Her glare conveyed.

Alan glanced back and shrugged, _Nothing, nothing. Just stopping by, saying 'Hi!', gotta fly, apple pie._

Bubblegum scowled, _Now we both know that's a load of shullbit. What are you up to?_

_Nothing! Jeez, you're paranoid!_ Alan's eyes got big for a moment before he rolled them.

_Fine,_ PB Rolled her eyes, _but if you try something, I'll demote your arms and legs to separate offices from you._

"Demote my what now?" Alan couldn't quite get the subtl body language behind Bubblegum's message.

"Hm?" Jareth said, returning to the world outside himself.

"Oh, uh, nothing," Alan waved Jareth off, "Anyway, any chance I could come back to working for you, Peebles? The Sci-fi novels aren't really bringing in much money."

"Working for you? I was unaware that you two knew each other," Jareth raised his eyebrow, "I assumed he was just some freelance agent."

"Nope. I was previously her, oh what was it, the 'Chief Minister of Arcane Studies and Advisement', or some such," Alan replied.

"Well, I hope you aren't advising against our union," Bubblegum warned.

"No, no, if it's what you like, you can do _whatever_ you _want_," Alan said, sounding exactly like a passive-agressive old Jewish lady.

_Oh well. Even with the heretic here,_ Jareth thought to himself, _the plan will proceed._

* * *

_Finn evaded a spark that the intruder lobbed at him._ He then charged, shouting along the way. The man quickly raised a knife, made of a gleaming, onyx-like material, to parry. He riposted, narrowly nicking Finn's cheek. Jake stretched his body, propelling himself into the robber's legs. This man's reflexes were uncanny, as he side-stepped at the perfect moment. "Who are you!?" Finn demanded, attempting to knock his opponent's blade from his hand.

"You may call me Mertens!" The intruder shouted back, evading the disarm attempt and slashing at Finn, only succeeding in slicing the strap of his pack.

"Oh, yeah? How 'bout JERKENS!?" Jake grunted, landing a solid stretch-headbutt on Mertens, and sending him flying into the cave wall.

Finn and Jake thought they had defeated him, based on the man-shaped hole in the wall, but they were proven wrong when he stepped out of the hole. "Wow, that's the first time in a long time that _that's_ happened!" Finn and Jake stepped back and discussed their strategy while Mertens dusted himself off.

"Okay, dude, you distract him, I'll go in for the win," Jake whispered.

"Wait, I distract things all the time!" Finn protested.

"Okay, fine. I'll distract him," Jake grunted.

"No, I should distract him!" Mertens interjected.

"Good call. Okay, so Mertens will...Uh..." Finn trailed off before he and Jake were propelled into a pile of treasure in a burst of lightning.

Jake then sprung into action, blowing a raspberry and shouting, "Hey nerd! I heard your compiler's off by one!"

"Huh?" Mertens turned, not because he fell for it, but because that's just a weird insult. It was at this moment that Finn leaped on him, punching and kicking him hard. the two grappled for a moment before Mertens realized he'd be no good in this fight. He shouted a few gibberish syllables before disappearing.

"Whew, what a fight!" Finn said, wiping a bad of blood from his lip.

"I know, man! Let's get some root beers," Jake replied, heading for the entryway.

"Alright man. Hey, he left his knife!" Finn followed, picking up Merten's knife on the way out. Something bugged him about the assailant, and his name, but he shook it off.

* * *

_Alan was regaling Jareth and Princess Bubblegum with quirky tale from his childhood, Jean Shepherd style, when he sat ramrod-straight._ "Alan?" Bubblegum waved her hand in front of his face. "Alan, are ya still there?"

"Does he do this normally?" Jareth asked.

"Not really. He's usually fairly anim-" Bubblegum was cut off by Alan flashing out of existence.

"Well. That solved that. Now, on the subject of guests. I want your half of the list," Jareth held out his hands.

"Alright, here," PB grunted, handing him a scroll.

"Hm. Pen," He snapped, as a nearby servant fumbled for a pen in his pocket. The butler handed it to PB. Jareth began hastily scribbling on the paper, murmuring, and occasionally frowning. He handed the list back to Bubblegum.

"But...I-You crossed out the entire list!" the Princess irked.

"I know. You, for some reason, associate yourself with all sorts of rabble. I refuse to have such boorish guests. You may invite only those bearing titles."

"Fine. I'll bring Finn, Jake, and Marceline," PB said, realizing she'd get nowhere arguing.

"Wait, I suppose I understand Marceline's...questionable title, but the boy and the dog aren't nobles!" Jareth protested.

"I knighted them. Ergo, they are considered nobility," Bubblegum smirked.

* * *

_Alan found himself sitting on a tree stump, frozen momentarily._ He snapped out of it, and realized what happened. A spell he hoped would never be used had been activated, a contingency that would alert him if Galatea was in danger.

"No," Alan said, dreading what he saw. Before him was a forest, utterly dead and petrified.

"No!" He rifled through the dusty underbrush in a panic.

"NO!" Alan screamed as he ran through the forest, searching. He tripped and fell. He righted himself and sat on his knees, panting in terror and anguish.

"**NO!**" He shouted, as the forest fell before waves of magic flowing from his untempered emotions. Tears streamed from his cheeks. He jumped when he felt Galatea's hand on his shoulder.

"Gah! Buh-Dah-Muh-Feh-Nyuh-Guh...Gally!" Alan sputtered, drying his tears.

"Hi Daddy! Why so explode-y? That time of th-"

"Don't finish that sentence, Gally. Where were you?" Alan chuckled, turning to see Bellicent standing next to her.

"That's a bit on me, actually. I was calling out to nature spirits in this area. She must have gotten the signal," Bellicent said apologetically.

"Yeah, Dad. Miss Bellicent says that something called a Bite-Lord killed this forest," Galatea added.

"You mean a Blightlord," Alan and Bellicent both corrected. Alan continued, "Okay, well, as long as you're alright. I'm gonna teleport you to Marceline's. Just, please don't scare me like that again."

Alan muttered a few incantations, and Galatea disappeared. He turned to Bellicent and said, "I wish you luck in your investigation, but I have...stuff...to attend to."

As Alan walked away, Mertens cautiously emerged from the dead foliage. "Does he suspect anything Mistress?" He whispered.

"No. He's clueless. You're missing a knife," Bellicent murmured.

"The brat and his dog took it."

"Fine. Just remember," Bellicent's voice gained traces of venom, "That knives aren't the only things I can afford to throw away.

Mertens nodded and bowed, before stealing away.


End file.
